I Can't Fix Us Two
by Steffx621
Summary: They'd promised forever to each other, yet forever was cut short for her. She'd told him that not because the dream died he had to stop dreaming. He'd believed her words; he just didn't know how to go on without her. None of them did. LP
1. Stuck

**Summary : **They'd promised forever to each other, yet forever was cut short for her. She'd told him that not because the dream died he had to stop dreaming. He'd believed her words; he just didn't know how to go on without her. None of them did. LP

**Author's Note : **As promised, here's a new story! It's not something I ever thought I'd write, yet I _had_ to do it anyway. This was one of those story-ideas I honestly couldn't get rid of until the idea was put into paper. I genuinely hope you can give it a go; this story is far too different from everything I'd written so far, yet it's been the story I'd tried to be the most careful about.

I'm writing completely out of my comfort zone {i.e. fluff} yet, I'm trying my best so you'd find in here a fic that is worth reading by all LP fans.

I can assure you that everything you need to learn you would learn it as the story starts moving along. This is an LP story, yet you will also find many dynamics I was excited to explore this time around with this story. Portraying a strong sense of what family is, and what friendship used to mean in the show is perhaps what I am aiming to reach successfully with this fic. We'll see how that goes, and I sure hope you can let me know how I'm doing it.

This story also stands as the sequel to my first story **"Far Away"** yet even though there are a few mentions to that past, this story in my opinion can stand alone. Honestly, I just needed a very strong LP+Kids family foundation and that story sort of gave me that.

I suppose I'd rambled enough for now; you gotta understand though, kicking this one out of the nest is not so easy, so I'm honestly hoping someone out there finds it worth reading and good enough. Don't mind me anymore, and please carry on reading. _Thanks so much in advance._

**···**

* * *

_I know how much you love me,  
As much as I love you,  
And each time that you think of me,  
I know you'll miss me too;_

**Stuck**

That was to a great extent, the exact word that could describe the way they were all feeling at that moment. Gray clouds were filling the sky; it seemed as though it was going to start raining soon, but in all honesty, they really just couldn't move away from there. The wind was picking up fiercely; the girls' hair was blowing freely to their faces, but they couldn't care about that either. Both their sets of eyes were fixed in one thing and one thing only.

There they were, all four of them, standing right beside the other, holding at whatever piece of hope each of them still had left.

Now they were alone, but mere minutes ago they were surrounded by mainly the whole town. Or at least that was the way it might had seemed for whomever stranger that had walked into the cemetery only some mere minutes ago. It had seemed as if everybody had showed up. They had felt crowded by them all. They didn't know half of those people. Hell, they didn't even know a quarter of them, yet they were there. They had shared their sympathies and tried to give them some sort of comfort, but in a way, they were doing the total opposite.

All four of them were feeling suffocated by the people. They wanted to tell them all to go away and just left them alone with their grief, but...none of them did it. They tried to wrap their minds around the idea that all those people who came were there because they _did_ "care."

But still, how could they _really_ care if they had barely even met her?

She was never a woman of people, she would be kind, she would try to be nice, but outside her family and loved ones, she wasn't the open type of woman and everybody that knew her knew that much. What mattered in the end, however, was the fact that she still _tried_. Working among noisy-40something moms was never her thing, yet she still did it because at some point, she knew that was exactly what her girls wanted, and more-so needed from her.

She'd always tried anyway.

Then again, maybe the reason they couldn't find comfort in those people was genetics. Maybe they weren't women and men of people either. They still were trying anyway. Just like _she_ did once upon a time too.

Everybody had left already though. They did it soon after '_paying their respects'_. It just...It just felt surreal. People you don't even know coming over to you and telling you, _repeatedly_, how sorry they were. Like if they words really meant something, or could make the pain go away magically. _Nobody,_ except for the four of them, could really understand how it felt. And in fact, not even they could understand it themselves, it just _hurt_.

That was the _one_ absolute.

It hurt.

Thousands of people come and go from our lives, and most of the times it is never a big deal. You are used to it. You are used to say goodbyes; people leaving because they are chasing their dreams, or any sort of other different reasons. But you still get it. You get it because you had been there too. You know what it is like to want to know everything that is out there in the '_big-wide-world'_.

At some point, they had left too, but they had also found their way back the same way they found their way out. Actually, maybe it had been easier finding the way back. _She_ had been there waiting for them after all.

She always used to tell them how they would change the world someday. Little did she knew, _she _was one who changed it all. She had changed it for _them_ anyway.

Many people may come and go, but what really is important, the people who _really_ are important are the ones who manage to leave a footprint to your heart. An effect so big, that no time, no person, no nothing could ever erase it from their hearts.

That's maybe the quiet satisfaction they all have. Being able to say aloud how a woman was able to change their lives for something so much more than just '_the better'_.

_I thought of all the yesterdays,  
The good ones and the bad,  
The thought of all the love we shared,  
And all the fun we had._

She knew the four of them the best. They were her family, so knowing the littlest of things was just what she did. Even without trying sometimes. She knew them better than anyone else they could think about did. Sometimes a hell of a lot better than what they knew themselves.

She had seen them at their best, although she'd always said they'd do better than that in the future. That she simply knew it. She had been proud of them all, and she'd told them so. She had also known them all at their worst. But even then, she hadn't back out, not for one second. She'd remained constant for them, the same way they tried to remain constant for her through it all.

She had been the person with whom they had laughed the loudest; but also the one with whom they'd cried the hardest. She had been the _one _who all four of them had loved the most. Now it was just hard to believe that she was no longer in the world with them. She'd _always_ taken their sides. She stood right beside them even when her own problems were overwhelming her. She'd been selfless, and noble. She'd dealt with grace through all and every problem they'd seen her deal with.

Or so that had been the way they always felt her; brave and passionate about every little thing she did.

She'd tried hard not to show any weakness and vulnerability when they were around, and although in the end that wasn't a fact they appreciated, they would still always remember her as a person who _always_ put them first. Even before herself when it had been necessary.

And even when it hadn't; even when it had been _their_ job to take care of _her_ and her every need, she'd still put them first.

She'd taught them all she knew, but she'd also let them learn for themselves. From their own mistakes. She'd been there for them every time they'd needed her, but she'd also know when it was better to back off. She'd criticize them, but she'd _never _judge them. She'd scolded them, but she'd never patronize them.

She was just another '_ordinary_' human being in their lives they happened to love more than anything else in the world.

She was simply the one who was _always_ there, until the day she just...couldn't be any longer.

_If I could relive yesterday,  
Just even for a while,  
I'd say good-bye and kiss you  
And maybe see you smile_.

They were supposed to be prepared for this. They were given early '_heads-ups'_, as if knowing what was going to happen for a while would help them in any way to deal with the pain now.

It doesn't.

It's still crazy. You start learning about death from the moment you can make sense of the world surrounding you. You learned the facts really early in your life. People are born, people live, and then people _die_. It sounds as such simple concept. Just the way things are, but for some reason it is of course, simpler say than done.

Death hitting you right in the face, front and center, feels as though you are basically trapped inside your own body, and all these feelings you just can't make sense of. You are simply unable to move or really react about the events that happened. You start to wonder how are you suppose to get past all those rough days from now on, if the one person who always made sense in your world is simply…_gone_?

There are no more smiles, or chocolate-chip cookies to cheer you up. There are no more late night talks about everything that can't be said in the light of day. There is no more laughter, or hugs, or anymore caresses from her...

_For all my life, I'd always thought I didn't want to die.  
I had so much to live for, so much left yet to do.  
It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you._

The moment they found themselves _really_ without her, they'd felt lost.

People always tell you that missing a person is supposed to get easier as the days passes, that's what you supposedly "know." That time would heal your heart, and soon enough you'll be…okay again. That time will surely close all those wounds; and that one day you'll just wake up and it won't hurt anymore.

But what they never tell you is what are you supposed to do in the meantime? What to do when the pain in your heart is so unbearable that you feel as if you just cannot breath without her at your side? There is never someone there telling you how to live in a world without that person you are '_missing_'? They said you'll miss her a little less with each passing day, but how are you suppose to miss her less if she is the only thing you can think about?

Your heart misses her, your mind misses her, your skin misses her. You miss everything about her. From the slightest of things to the sound of her voice, and the way she said _'I love you'_ to you every night.

How are you supposed to just... get past it? Her smell somehow still haunts them. Her voice lingered in the air. Her touch on them at nights remained constant for some reason. Her image flashed as soon as their eyes close.

There is no textbook that would tell you when you have grieved too much. When you have been miserable enough. When you are ready to _move on_. You are supposed to figure out that by yourself and at your own time.

But the knowing doesn't stop the aching and hurting your heart, and every bit of your body is feeling. They had never felt such big pain as the one they were feeling at that moment. None of them seemed to be able to pronounce a word. They were standing in an unearthly quiet that for most people would be even scary, but that for them was necessary.

She'd been buried next to her own mother's grave. It hadn't been fair. None of it was fair; both had been extraordinary women, yet the two of them had been taken away from the people they loved all too soon.

Maybe they were supposed to feel lucky since they have had her for a longer time than the one Peyton did with her own mother. They spent over twenty-years with her. Well, at least most of them did.

It still hadn't been enough. It could never be enough. She was supposed to be with them forever. She was supposed to see them all grow up and become the kind of people she always knew they could grow up to be.

Forever wasn't supposed to be cut short. Forever was supposed to last forever and it just hadn't been fair.

To none of them.

_I've dreamed many dreams that never came true.  
If tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see,  
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;  
I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today,  
While thinking of the many things, we didn't get to say_.

"We should go now."

He had tried to sound firm, but he'd failed. His voice was at the edge of cracking; he hadn't really spoken with anybody for about three whole days now. He'd only said what was absolutely necessary, and when he just _had_ to do it. He wasn't shutting them out, he just couldn't make sense of what was happening, and until he did, silence seemed to have become his solace.

Both girls had stayed quiet for most part of the time too, but the big difference between them and their father however, was the fact that they still had each other. They'd cried in the each other's shoulder, and hadn't let the other break down.

They were each other rocks, and that was just the way it had always been. Her mom had taught them that early enough in their lives. She'd told them how for as long as they had each other they could get past through _everything_.

They weren't ones to protest, much less now when all that was left of her were memories, but... It just seemed as though she hadn't thought of this precise scenery when she had said those words.

Yes, they had each other; they loved each other and it was a fact that they were going to be there for the other through _everything_ and even more, but…They still needed her. There had been so many things left unsaid, so many things yet to ask, and so many memories yet to create.

It just wasn't fair.

Sometimes it felt as though her main purpose in the world had been to make everything better for them with a smile, or some words, or a simple silence, but now…now she was just gone. Gone for good, and they were still here. Stuck, and trying as hell to figure out what to do next.

Figure that out _alone_ for the very first time in their lives.

"Yeah, come on Ellie," She said grabbing her little sister's shoulders, and attempting to pull her away from the sight they all had been staring at for a good couple of hours now.

However, Ellie wasn't one to leave quite yet, she couldn't, so she did as much as she could fighting Sawyer's hold. She shook her head strongly, as her eyes fell shut, and she knelt on the ground right next to the fresh dirt her mom had just been buried under. "I can't go." She muttered under her breath, as fresh tears started falling freely down to her cheeks.

Sawyer shakily sighed, and fighting back her own tears knelt down on the ground next to her sister. Ellie had always been the one that was the most like Peyton; not only on the outside, but mainly in the inside. Their mom wasn't the one who used to claim that as a fact, it was actually Lucas. He'd always state how it was only natural; one Peyton Sawyer in the world couldn't be enough so that was why Ellie had been sent to them. For a reason they never really understood, he used to say how their way of _feel_ was the same. He bragged for the longest of time how Sawyer had gotten all the better genes since she got a lot from her father's personality, but he never ever really meant it. He loved them both just for the way they were, whether they got it from him or Peyton.

Especially when they got it from Peyton actually.

He'd sat them both the evening of Ellie's sixteen birthday, just a few moments after Peyton had done her toast for her '_little girl'_. He'd said, looking right into both their eyes, how he'd been '_ridiculously_' blessed with them both in his life. That if he'd die the next day he'd die a happy man since he had the peace of knowing he helped to bring such extraordinary women into the world.

That had been the first time he called them '_women_' and not '_little girls'_ as he still would do from time to time, but…in the end, he had been right that night, they were not little girls anymore, and although it hurt more than anything else had, they were going to keep going.

And they would.

It was now their turn to be strong. They owed their mom that much.

Heaving a sigh, Sawyer pulled Ellie strongly into her arms. She rested her chin against her sister's head, as her sobs only grew harder. "Shh, it's going to be okay." She whispered into her hair, biting strongly her lower lip keeping her own tears at bay.

A soft sniffle then made Sawyer look up where the other two stood. It wasn't Lucas who was crying, yet she managed to smile sadly in his direction. Lucas simply nodded his head in return.

"We'll meet you two in the car in just a bit." Sawyer informed quietly, looking up at Lucas, but never losing her hold on Ellie.

Lucas in response offered her yet another nod of his head. However, he stayed still for some other good moments just looking down at the two of them. After just a few minutes, he closed his eyes tightly, and started walking in the opposite direction from where his girls stayed behind.

His _three_ girls.

"I don't wanna leave her," Ellie cried just as their father was out of sight. "I can't," She said weakly, looking up at last at her sister's eyes.

Sawyer nodded as her own eyes started welling up with tears one more time today. She still managed to mask them with a broken smile. "We ain't leaving her, Ellie." She stated, gently wiping a few tears off of her sister's cheek with her thumb. "We _never _will. She's always going to be with us, and you…you really should know that by now, Elle." She said as contentedly as she could sound given the circumstances.

In any way, Ellie's head kept shaking from side to side, as she looked over to their mom's grave. She didn't say another word, but burrowed her head deeply in the crook of her sister's neck once again.

Sawyer wrapped her arms tightly around her frame, holding on to her for dear life. She didn't know how to do this all either, but she still knew they _had_ to. "We gotta go home now, Ellie. Mom...mom, she wouldn't want us to be here like this. Come on," She nearly pleaded lifting her sister's chin with her forefinger. "We got to do this for Dad. He needs us. He needs us both more than ever now." She stated brokenly, right before a sob of her own escaped her lips.

This was by far the hardest moment of their lives, but they weren't giving up. They were better than that and Peyton had done a hell of a job showing them that much.

If there was one and one thing only Sawyer still could do, that was fight with all her might for her family. They weren't letting Peyton down, and she was the one to make sure of that.

She'd promised. She'd fixed them all; even if that were the one thing she still could do.

She wasn't going to let her mom down. She simply _couldn't._

_So when tomorrow starts without me,  
Don't think we're far apart,  
For every time you think of me,  
I'm right here... in your heart._

* * *

**AN :** I'm sure you're rather confused - maybe? But here's what you should bear in mind nonetheless: sometimes is not about the ending but about the road to that end. I believe that from time to time that can be worth it.

This story doesn't have a "regular" timeline per se; it would be filled with flashbacks and allusions to different times in the past, present, etc, so despite this chapter, you would get a LOT of P·Sawyer love with this fic.

All in all, chapters to this story would be kind of snippets of their life together through the years, and _how_ & _why_ they got to the place they got in the end.

To all of you who read, I can only say; thank you very very much and I really hope you can give this story a go **:)**

******PS : **Given there is not only one timeline, at the end of each chapter I'll give certain clarification as to their ages and where exactly in time we are just in case the chapter hasn't been clear enough.**  
**


	2. Change

**Author's Note : **Even though I am still feeling a little "shaky" about this story, your reviews totally did my day and made me feel a little more confident about keep writing. **_LuPeyluv03_**; You totally got it right and I loved the way you put it: _"The beginning is the end and the end will be the beginning..."_ Something like that is how I'm thinking this story! Thank you so much to all of you for the reviews, favorites and alerts so far. It makes me so happy to know you are actually reading this stroy! :) It is close to my heart, and hopefully it'll be close to yours too some time =)

Last chapter was a bit like a prologue, in this one, though the story doesn't move along per se (flashback) it is still here to help you understand the characters you don't know (i.e. Ellie and Sawyer a bit)

Forgot to mention the last time; poems! I'm using poems instead of songs to help me with the chapters this time. Every once in a while we'll get song lyrics too (I am indeed a music freak to my every bone in the end, can't help it lol) _but_, mostly, I used poems and beautiful pieces of writing one of my boy best friends helped me find to this story! Hope you like those.

Anyway, without further ado, I leave you all to this chapter! I'm sorry I didn't update sooner, took some reviews into consideration to "review" myself the story and the chapters already written, so yeah, that's why I'm updating until today. Let me know what you think, and thank you very much for reading again.** :)**

* * *

_Your presence is a present to the world.  
__You're unique and one of a kind.  
__Your Life can be what you want it to be.  
__Take the days just one at a time._

**Change**

"I'm gonna miss this," Her voice was quiet, and it was carrying all kinds of nostalgia with it.

Although you know, or at least you suppose you know, how change is most of the times a good thing, it is still hard to accept it from time to time. Especially in nights like these when letting go and move on seemed a little bit harder than it allegedly is.

"Me too, mom," She replied just as quietly, and with a soft smile on her face as Peyton settled down beside her on the couch. Sawyer moved only slightly allowing her mom to get under the tiny blanket just a bit too.

Without thinking really, more out of habit or mere instinct, she snuggled closer to Peyton and rested her head on her shoulder assuming that often taken position they had perfected together through the years.

Peyton's hand flew almost immediately to her daughter's cheek and she rested her own head against Sawyer's.

"I'm not scared, you know?" Sawyer spoke softly breaking the nice silence that had settled between the two of them in the dark living room. "It's not that,"

"Okay," Peyton said matching her soft tone, and unconsciously tightening her hold on her '_little girl'_. Sawyer might not be all that scared, but she sure as hell was for the both of them.

Change ultimately _is_ scary, right?

"Then what is it?" Peyton asked a few seconds later, realizing Sawyer lost herself in thought just as she had.

"How can I be sure?" Sawyer asked back with a nervous laugh.

Peyton chuckled at her words and pushed away from her just a bit so that they were seeing at each other's faces.

"I know I'm happy about it though," Sawyer elaborated a little. "Or…At least I think I am," She added uncertainly.

Peyton smiled as the two of them stared firmly into the other's eyes. Sawyer's were actually sparkling blue; she'd never been the scary kind of girl –_now woman_– yet tonight Peyton was seeing vulnerability in her eyes she hadn't seen in quite a long while already.

Just like her, Sawyer had done quite a job hiding all her insecurities and hard feelings from the rest of the world, _and_ for most part of the time. But sometimes, every now and again, as both of them had learned, it was simply relieving letting go of it all.

_Count your blessings, not your troubles.  
You'll make it through whatever comes along.  
Within you are so many answers.  
Understand, have courage, be strong._

"I am proud of you, you know?" Peyton stated a whole lot more than she asked, and couldn't help but chuckle at Sawyer's reaction; she rolled her eyes dramatically, and started shaking her head looking down at her lap. "What? I am," She insisted between chuckling as Sawyer looked away with her cheeks colored in the cutest of light pinks.

"It's just college mom, everybody gets into college." Sawyer fought back feeling only a little off at the sudden praise. It wasn't as if she didn't like it or wasn't used to it, as a matter of fact she loved to be praised by others. She surely was even proud of herself, but Peyton...she was simply different.

It was just the way she would always said it, like the way she meant her words so much was even scary at times. She believed in her, that was the truth, and that was what was scary at times for Sawyer.

What if she let her down?

Giving Sawyer a knowing look, Peyton retorted only half-playfully. "It's not '_just_' college, and you know it," She stated firmly and smiled when Sawyer swallowed hard, but still her features softened as she continued. "You are chasing your dreams, and that is the only thing that should matter now. I could come here and tell you how I think you should to do it, or how you should live…how to go on; but you don't need that. And although I do wish I could tell something so big and important that make you feel oh-so proud of your momma, because believe me I wish I could, I just haven't get there quite yet." She smirked, but Sawyer remained silent just staring thoughtfully at her. "But from where I see it, you don't need big speeches that help you go on. You already have, you _are_ ready for this, you are ready to be great, and rock the world wherever you happen to land. You are not even eighteen-years-old, yet you've been doing nothing short of living, and been great throughout all those years. I _am_ proud of you Sawyer Scott." Peyton finished her statement with the widest of smiles spread across her face. She'd never been one for speeches; Lucas was a whole lot better than she was in that department. Yet saying the truth to Sawyer was never all that hard.

It was the truth in the end. How hard could that be? Especially with a kid like Sawyer.

She'd gone through high school greatly, doing a whole bunch of activities Peyton didn't even know someone could do in high school but Sawyer had done them though. _Her_ daughter had.

She was smart, and ingenious, and clever...and even witty. A real leader in all the ways that mattered, yet all those fine points never clouded her kindness and undertake of always doing the right thing for others.

She'd always been great; Peyton had known that all along, still, that girl, that young woman before her eyes simply never stopped to amaze her.

Of that she was sure. She never would.

_Don't put limits on yourself.  
So many dreams are waiting to be realized.  
Decisions are too important to leave to chance.  
Reach for your peak, your goal, your prize._

"I'm still going to miss you though," Peyton added only a few moments later before the two of them chuckled at the trueness of the statement.

They might have put on a tough front for everybody else in the last few weeks, but that still didn't change one bit the fact that it was going to be hard on both. They were close, and although more often than not they would disagree in whatever the subject was, that didn't mean at all they didn't love each other, or understood each other completely for that matter either.

Being apart was going to be a new for the two of them, but as it had been said and proved in the past, they were going to be okay no matter what happened.

They always had.

"Ah, jeez! You two couldn't be any more loud, now could ya?" A fairly annoyed voice carried from up the stairs catching them both mid-giggle.

After looking seriously at Ellie, and the way she stood, with both her hands on her hips and everything, both Sawyer and Peyton went back to a '_quiet_' laugher per the youngest girl request.

Ellie rolled her eyes shaking her head, but still walked down the stairs and without asking, or actually pronouncing any other word, pulled Peyton's arms up and snuggled under.

Not that Peyton minded, not at all, but that girl had always had an attitude. She wouldn't put it to rest even if it were nearly 2 o'clock in the morning.

"What we doing?" Ellie asked rather sleepily a few seconds later as she had made herself comfortable under Peyton's embrace already.

"Just talking," Peyton replied with a small chuckle, as she leaned down and dropped one sweet kiss to her daughter's head.

Ellie grumbled playfully and Peyton had to chuckle again. That was of course until she lifted her eyes and caught sight of a very pensive Sawyer. She wasn't one to be left without words, and Peyton was well aware of that fact. "What?" She asked in Sawyer's direction, slightly narrowing her eyes.

"Nothing," Sawyer replied quickly with a shrug.

However, Peyton stayed steadily looking at her with one of those looks she knew Sawyer would give in to eventually.

"Who's gonna look after that goof," Sawyer confessed at last gesturing to her sleepy sister, who at her words jerked her head up from Peyton's chest indignantly.

"Excuse me?" Ellie exclaimed wide-eyed, and really trying to sound serious. She was having a hard time though, teasing Sawyer and her dramatism at times was in all honesty just one of her favorite pastimes.

She would be an awesome sister most of the times, but there were still sometimes when she'll make the biggest of deals out the smallest of things, and that, that was simply something Ellie couldn't let go of.

"I can take care of myself just fine, thank you very much." She said maybe a little too smugly but still managed to make both her sister and mom to crack a grin.

_Nothing wastes more energy than worrying.  
The longer one carries a problem the heavier it gets.  
Don't take things too seriously.  
Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets._

"But yeah," Ellie spoke again, her voice soft now but the smirk on her face hadn't faded one bit since she walked downstairs. "I guess I'm going to miss you too, sis." She said patting Sawyer's thigh playfully. "I can't even begin to imagine how hard is going to be for _you_ to be away from _me_ for all that time," She said as seriously as she could before bursting into laughter.

Shaking her head Sawyer yanked her hand away and smacked playfully her arm as she too laughed a little. "You suck, you know that?" She said before rolling her eyes when Ellie couldn't stop giggling and had to bury her head on Peyton's chest in a lame attempt to muffle the noise.

Peyton did nothing but smile at her girls. They had the weirdest of relationships, but in any way she still had no doubt about just how much they loved each other.

After just a few moments, enough for Ellie to pull herself together, she lifted her head from Peyton's embrace, and faced Sawyer with that same goofy smirk she'd wear since she was old enough to actually smirk. "Eh," She said with a shrug of her shoulders. "You still love me though," She said with a smug glint in her eyes.

Just when Sawyer was about to retort, Ellie began again. If Sawyer had always been known for been a gabby girl, Ellie never had a problem matching her speed. "I still think you are being way overdramatic," She said actually serious for the first time that night. "You are only going to be away for what? Three years, four? Besides, it is not as if you are moving to the other side of the planet – just the country," She tried with a small chuckle before continuing. "Plus, we all will be right here when you happen to come back, it'll be okay Saw," She said somehow soothingly for the other two women surprise.

Ellie was definitely _not_ the girl you'll go to for pep talks. Yet there they were.

Maybe it was the fact that Sawyer was actually leaving, deep down they all knew how they were feeling and it wasn't all that amusing as Ellie was trying to put it.

Of course she was going to miss her sister. A hell of a lot more than she would ever admit, but she certainly would.

Things weren't going to be the same, and just as her mom thought, change could so be scary at times.

"Not exactly," Sawyer replied a few seconds later breaking the silence that had started to settle in the room.

"What do you mean?" Peyton chimed in for the first time in quite a while already, looking curiously in Sawyer's direction.

"She has only three more years of High School," Sawyer began explaining. "By the time I come back here..._if_," She added thoughtfully before chuckling. She wasn't quite ready to admit that to everybody else, but coming back to Tree Hill was of course in her plans after college. She did love her little town, and she actually had big plans for it already. "Anyway," She said shaking lightly her head. "The thing is, that when I finish school and come back you are going to be long gone already too, kid," She said while nodding, and looking right into her sister's eyes.

"_Oohhh_," Ellie let out goofily as realization hit her, and she finally understood where her sister was coming. However, after just a moment she shook her head and flashed a grin as she huffed loudly. "That's actually not a problem, I'm kinda staying here," She stated rather nonchalantly as she snuggled back deeply into Peyton's arms.

In any case, that little comment wasn't something her mom was going to just let past without pushing at least a little bit. "And what is that supposed to mean?" She asked looking down at Ellie with both her brows raised.

Ellie matched her face expression and kinked her eyebrows. "What mom?" She asked back innocently. "I'm just staying here, hadn't I told you?" She asked quite casually, smiling sheepishly at her mom.

"I don't think so, no." Peyton said, unable not to scoff. "So you don't wanna go to college?" She stated more than she asked looking down at Ellie who simply shook a bit her head and let out a quiet _'Nope'_. "Care to tell us why?" She asked once again sitting up a little so that she could actually see Ellie's face.

She shrugged her shoulders twisting her lips before replying. "I just don't want to," She replied flippantly with yet another shrug of her shoulders. "Not yet anyways," She added and in response all she got where expectant stares from both Peyton and Sawyer.

Rolling her eyes slightly she elaborated. "Okay so…I just don't think I need to go. After high school is over I'll probably take the next semester off, maybe I'll help you and Aunt Lil at the studio," She said looking up right at Peyton's eyes. "Then I think I wanna work for a magazine, or a paper, maybe writing a column or something, you know? And then…" She said lifting her eyes up to the ceiling thoughtfully. "And then after I have actually done something of myself, maybe then I'll go to college. For, dunno...a journalism degree maybe, that'll be cool." She explained casually.

Peyton simply nodded her head. "You've planned it all already," She noted actually fighting back laughter at her daughter's decisiveness.

"Yup," Ellie replied simply with a nod.

"You are not even fourteen yet, Elle," Sawyer pointed out with a small chuckle.

"So what?" She fought back genuinely serious. "I bet you knew what you wanted to do since the very moment Uncle Nate gave you your camera, and you were what? Five?"

Sawyer's smirk faded at her words, and instead she replaced it with a sheepish smile. "Point taken," She admitted fairly painfully.

"So you are simply not going to college?" Peyton asked again looking at Ellie who simply offered her another shook of her head.

"At least not straight away," She told her mom honestly before Peyton dragged her back into her arms kissing the top of her head.

"It's your life kiddo," Peyton mumbled into her hair, before huffing. Both her daughter's shot her an expectant look she tried to brush off but couldn't. She knew them both completely, and well...not so much to her surprise, so did them. Peyton then shook her head a little before fixing her eyes first in Sawyer before her, and then down in Ellie. "I somehow feel this as payback or something?" She said somewhat uncertainly. Ellie's eyes narrowed, and although Peyton wasn't looking at Sawyer, she could swear hers had fallen into a squint. They always did!

After just a little while, Peyton started elaborating. "I don't know, I didn't go, so maybe if I had you'd be going –"

"Nah," Ellie interrupted her mom decisively. "You got nothing to do about it, you just said so, remember? _My_ life?" She said oh-so smugly that not Peyton, not Sawyer couldn't not laugh.

After just a few seconds their moment was interrupted, and took Sawyer less than a couple of seconds before she stopped laughing quite suddenly. "Gee! How in the world does he climb out of the crib?" She pointed out loudly and seriously, even though she really wanted to laugh.

Peyton on the other hand, chuckled looking over at her 21-month-old baby boy tottering into the living room.

"How does he get down the stairs without falling is a better question," Ellie chimed in, matching her mom's chuckling.

Sawyer rolled her eyes at the rightness of her statement before motioning the little boy to join them in the couch.

_Remember that a little love goes a long way.  
Remember that a lot ... goes forever.  
Remember that friendship is a wise investment.  
Life's Treasures are people ... together._

He didn't hesitate one bit, and actually stumbled a couple of times in the dark, but clumsily and everything he reached the couch, and jumped without hesitation onto his oldest sister's lap. Sawyer chuckled at him, but didn't hesitate either in hugging him back tightly against her chest.

"You know what?" Sawyer asked looking up from the boy to Peyton and Ellie that couldn't stop snickering.

"What?" Peyton asked biting her on bottom lip playfully.

"Forget Ellie," Sawyer replied jokingly. "I'm so gonna miss _you_!" She said sweetly squeezing tightly the little boy who simply started squealing in delight. "Are you going to miss me too?" She asked looking down at him quite seriously.

He widened his big blue eyes shooting first a look at Peyton, who nodded at him making sure she gave him a grin, and then he looked back at Sawyer. "_Yeeep!"_ He chirped rather happily.

"Yeah? Good!" Sawyer said nodding just as happily as him. "I'll miss you too so much, kiddo," She said nuzzling her nose against her little brother's, who simply giggled.

"Maaa too," He said as Sawyer pulled away. He then rapidly turned around, and literally plopped himself over Peyton and Ellie.

However, they didn't grumble or complain, they simply laughed at his antics.

It was an understatement saying that kid was a little too spoiled by the three of them.

But how couldn't he be, right? He had arrived to a Scott's household when diapers, and baby squeals were long gone. He surely was mama's little boy...and naturally, both his sister's little boy as well.

"Yeah baby, mama will miss goofy Sawyer, too." Peyton said only half-jokingly, managing to snuggle the boy into her arms without losing one bit her hold on Ellie.

"Goooff!" He repeated playfully before planting one drolly kiss on Peyton's cheek. She shook her head slightly, but never really stopped smiling.

"You are the goof," Ellie chimed in tickling slightly one of the boy's sides. "What do you think you doing up, huh? It's late." She said looking as serious as she could to the little boy. Even _she_ had the softest of spots when it was about him.

"No slheepy," He said scrunching his nose, and tilting his head funnily to one side.

Peyton chuckled but shook her head looking '_seriously'_ at him as well. "Ellie's right, you know? It's too late for a baby to be awake."

"No baby," He disagreed shaking his head vigorously before slipping out of Peyton's grasp and going back into Sawyer's arms. "And no slheepy," He said again looking now firmly at Sawyer who couldn't help but chuckle.

"I'll put him down," Sawyer said after a beat, already standing up from the couch with her little brother in her arms.

Peyton nodded her head, and so did Ellie, as Sawyer bent down and dropped a couple of kisses to both their cheeks.

In her way out of the living room, Sawyer managed to hear her mom calling after her a '_Good luck'_. Sawyer had wanted to chuckle at that, but the little guy in her arms chimed in before she could. "Play?" He '_suggested_' giving her his most mischievous of smiles, and she simply had to chuckle again.

_Realize that it's never too late.  
Do ordinary things in an extraordinary way._

"We should get going to bed too," Peyton said softly to Ellie, whom sleep was slowly but surely getting the best of her as well. "Don't want your Dad to wake up and don't find me there...again," She said playfully, noting precisely how this hadn't been at all the first night they _'happened'_ to be all awake at the same time…_without_ him for some reason.

"Yeah," Ellie replied just as softly, struggling to let go of her mom. She really was comfortable in her arms.

Peyton smiled planting one small kiss on her hair before she felt Ellie reluctantly getting up from the couch.

"Good night, mom." She said groggily, as she started walking her way to the stairs.

"Night to you too, baby." Peyton replied as she too stood up from the couch, and began unfolding the small blanket, which one way or another, had managed to wrap them _all _tonight.

_Have health, and hope, and happiness.  
Take the time to wish upon a star._

"It wasn't you though," Ellie called again as she walked a few steps back into the living room.

"What?" Peyton asked somewhat puzzled, shaking her head a bit.

"The noise," Ellie explained with a shrug. "I couldn't sleep and I just heard you two talking, I...I wasn't asleep" She admitted rather sheepishly.

Peyton smile's only grew bigger as she walked next to her daughter and wrapped her arm all around her little frame. "I know," She said knowingly kissing for like the tenth time tonight the top of Ellie's head. "I'm gonna miss her too." She stated sweetly at last as they both walked their way up the stairs.

Change is good; she still believed that. Then again, she also knew that believing is good didn't mean it couldn't scare them from time to time.

Nobody ever said that being a little scared is all that bad, now have they?

_And don't ever forget...  
for even a day ... how very special you are._

* * *

**AN : **Pretty much the idea of this chapter was give you all a small idea as to how Peyton and Sawyer and Ellie's relationship is. The girls only have 4years apart in age; meaning Sawyer was almost 18 and Ellie 14 (Making Peyton around 40-41) in this chapter. The little guy? That's one of the things of this story; each chapter is kind of a piece of the puzzle. Little by little I'll explain everything you need to know. Are pretty much little things, but at the end of the day, I am one of the people that firmly believes life's made of all those little things that for people other than ourselves aren't as important, but that for us actually can meant the world in 'x' moment.

Anyway, I suppose I have rambled on enough for today, so I honestly just hope you all continue to enjoy this fic. If you like to tell me what you think, just click that little yellow balloon and I'd be happy. Thank you so much one more time. Next chapter should be up sooner than this one did; I just got wrapped up with some things, but with that one we'll get a little more back-story, yet this time tell through present time (if that makes any sense for you)

-Steff


	3. Info for Reader

**··**

* * *

**In****fo for Reader :** Since I don't want any of the readers to this story to be confused when reading and especially, Chapter3, just for safety's sake, I thought I could write a few notes to make all your lives a little simpler when reading _**"I Can't Fix Us Two"**_

For starters, just in case you didn't read _**"Far Away"**_ I'd better give you the cliffs-notes…

**·** In this last chapter, the picture they are looking at and the day they are talking about at first, is the day when Lucas was brought home from the hospital.

In _**"Far Away"**_ Lucas is in a coma at the beginning of the story, and stays that way for around 6months while Peyton is pregnant with Ellie.

He wakes up when Peyton's around 7months pregnant with Ellie and he's there for the birth and all **–** I strongly recommend you to read the story if you haven't though of course lol **–**

Ellie's name is not Elizabeth per se **–** full explanation is n Chapter28 of "Far Away" **– **her full name is **"Isabelle Ann Scott"** and she was born December 3, 2013_._

Sawyer on the other hand kept her name just like in the show; **"Sawyer Brooke Scott"** and her birthday here is November 21, 2009

As to Naley and Brulian kids…(Yep, we'd get a few of them too some time heehee)

**Nathan&Haley**

**· **James Lucas Scott **–** "_Jamie"_ born June 3, 2003 (_year totally adjusted, I know…)_

**· **Jack Alan Scott **– **born April 18, 2016

**· **Sara Elizabeth Scott **–** born July 5, 2026

**Brooke&Julian**

**·** Kate Lee Baker **–** born March 17, 2014

**· **Alex Jo Baker **–** born March 17, 2014

(& by the way, I swear oth is totally stealing my twin idea for Brooke _lol_)

And I think that's it…If you need any other clarification just let me know…I hope this is of any help …

**–**Steff

* * *

**··**


	4. Long

**Author's Note : **I'm not so used to today's kind of rainy days, you know? There's just _so _much water falling! lol ·· The brighter side however, my mind is kinda working at a nice pace which is actually a pretty good thing for you if you like me to update as often heehee!

An special shout-out today to **"Sawyerscott"** , for obvious reasons based on your first review on Ch1, your comments really mean a lot to me and I take them a lot into consideration. I am very sorry for your losses, but at the same time, I really hope you contuine to like this story. Thanks a lot, really.

This chapter will explain you some things hopefully...It's present time which means, picking up after Chapter1. Here Sawyer is 23 & Ellie 19...This chapter is a little "jumpy" I think, but I am still hoping is clear enough for you to read and understand properly. Thanks one more time to all of you for reading, and I really hope you keep liking it.** :)**

* * *

_Dreams keep running through my mind  
__Reflecting memories of long ago.  
__Made in a land of fairytales_

**Long**

"There you are!" Sawyer said almost breathlessly before heaving a deep sigh of relief. "I've been looking for you all over, Maxie. Come on baby," She said reaching her arms out for the boy to cradle into.

He didn't do it though. He stared at her from the high cupboard twisting his lips uneasily. He was tightly hugging his legs, and as it seemed, with no intention to get down.

Sawyer's face fell then as well as her arms did. He had never been a quiet boy, the total opposite actually, but now he was shutting them out when he'd never done that before.

There was no way in hell Sawyer could be sure of everything she was feeling in that moment, of one thing she was positive though; seeing her baby brother like that was something she simply _hated_.

"Okay," Sawyer said softly after a beat as she let herself fall to the floor slowly. She rested her back against the cupboard, and although she wasn't seeing the boy, she knew he was looking down at her. He may be not saying any words, but that little boy cared. He always had. "My guess is that you couldn't sleep," She said into the air, and closed her eyes when Max didn't respond.

"Well, neither could I," She explained anyway. "Kept turning in bed until I just _had_ to get up. Couldn't stop thinking about everything, you know? You, Dad, Ellie…Mom..." She let her voice trailed off when she heard Max climbing down of the cupboard slowly.

He was quiet in his way down, but after a few seconds of staring silently at Sawyer, he sat down right on her lap the same way he'd done so many times before. This time it felt different though, Sawyer could feel that much, but in any case, she smiled inwardly cradling him closer to her chest. "Do you miss her?" Max asked so quietly she almost missed it.

"Of course I do, baby." Sawyer replied without hesitation, although she knew her voice would crack at any moment. "It is okay to miss her. That…there's anything wrong with that, okay?" She asked lifting Maxie's face with her forefinger tucked gently under his chin.

He nodded solemnly, before looking back down. "It's all _so_ quiet now," He whispered, and Sawyer could feel the hot tears beginning to form in the corners of her eyes once again.

_A place my heart longs for so.  
Cut off from the rest of the world.  
With streams, and meadows to roam,  
Viewed from a little girl's eyes. _

Maxwell Keith Scott had been their little '_surprise_' boy. It is maybe an understatement to say teenagers are not the only ones who can have '_accidents_', right?

But then again, of course that little guy was everything_ but _a '_mistake_' as some people might have put him. That still didn't mean however, that once upon a time, Peyton, and even Lucas a little too, hadn't freaked out when they found out about him at first…they surely had.

However, it then also took them less than a couple of hours to wrap their minds around the idea, and truly loved it.

Besides Peyton, and actually _before_ Lucas, _Ellie_ had been the very first person to find out about her soon-to-be baby brother. Peyton was still in her 'freaking out' state of mind when she didn't exactly let the information slip out; Ellie simply came to the right conclusion.

She had been rather thrilled about the idea taking Peyton for surprise. Up until that point, she had been the '_baby_' of the house for almost eleven years; yet when Maxie was born; she hadn't had the slightest of problems sharing her parents with him. And so had done Sawyer, who just like Ellie, had loved the idea right away.

But then again, what was not to like about a new little boy joining their family, right? He'd brought truthful joy to the older Scott household. And it wasn't as if they didn't have that before, they certainly did; it was just that Maxie had come along in just the right time.

After Ellie was born, and although Lucas and Peyton did happen to talk about another baby, they had also come to the conclusion that they didn't want to tempt faith.

If it was true that nothing wrong had happened with Ellie's pregnancy, that didn't mean it couldn't if they try once again, so ultimately they decided to settle with their two little girls.

It was _always _enough at the end of the day anyway. Both were so different, yet so alike that in more than one way, the two of them completed Lucas and Peyton's lives in the greatest of ways.

In any way, Maxie had still come along, and things simply worked themselves out. Peyton had had an easy pregnancy with the boy. It was almost shocking for her after everything she went through with Ellie…and even with Sawyer a little too, but Max had been the sweetest and easy going of boys even from the womb.

Peyton had had, beside Lucas, her two girls caring of her every need throughout the nine months. She didn't complain one bit, but instead enjoyed being spoiled by her family. They had moved to a bigger house around the time Ellie turned two, so making room for the new baby was never a problem.

They all had actually made the best of making the little boy's room. Lucas had been in charge of almost everything since he 'needed' to make up the fact that he couldn't help with Ellie's baby room once upon a time. They've filled the light blue room with every zoo animal they could think about. Early enough they've learned Maxie was a boy; not so much because Lucas or Peyton had wanted it, but because their two girls '_needed_' to know.

He was born just a couple days before the day he was '_supposed_' to be born. August 21st had been his day and the day he had been happily welcomed by his ever-growing family.

After Maxie was born, a little less than two years later, little Sara Elizabeth Scott had made her entrance to the world as well. Both Brooke and Peyton had teased Haley _endlessly_ for copycatting Peyton's '_idea_' of having another baby even after they were supposedly settled in having no more.

Even more, after they named the new baby after Peyton and everything.

Before Sara, Haley and Nathan also had a nice little family of four. It seemed to be what worked for them, but the same way as Sawyer and Ellie did, James and Jack had enjoy more than enough the arrival of their new little sister.

And on the other hand, the twins had been more than enough for Brooke and Julian. For some reason both girls somehow got _everything_ from Brooke. Sometimes it was even scary to see, since besides not sharing the same blood they seemed to be nothing short of the same. The two of them loved the exact same things their mother did. When being teased by the fact, Julian used to say it was a blessing in disguise. He loved his girls, all three of them, it didn't matter how much of a handful all three of them happened to be.

They have all grown to be one big, happy family; a family in which friends were also family, and love was the only bond that always mattered.

Saying that it had been hard on them all saying '_goodbye_' to one of their own all so soon didn't even begin to cover it. In a way it all happened so suddenly, but in another it seemed to have gone by in slow motion.

This place was supposed to be still home, but Max had got it right, it was rather quiet and for that very obvious reason, it didn't feel like home anymore.

"Yes it is, baby," Sawyer agreed softly at last, as she stroked the boy's cheek with her thumb. Her heart broke at the tear tracks that stained his face, as well as his fairly red eyes. He'd been strong for the past few days, that fact wasn't lost on anyone; he hadn't really cried, at least not when someone was seeing him, but he couldn't fool his sister. She'd give anything to take the pain away from his little heart.

After all, he wasn't even eight yet.

_But it was a world where everything wasn't what it seemed.  
Daydreams shatter in your hand._

"Figured you two will be here," Ellie said quietly as she sat herself down right next to her sister and brother. She rested her head against Sawyer's, and wrapped one of her arms around the other two. "It's _so_ quiet," She whispered sadly, breaking even more Sawyer's heart.

She was the oldest, _she_ was the one that _had_ to keep it together for her sibling's sake, but it was just too hard to do so…she was hurting just as much as they were.

Maybe even more if that were even possible. They had all lost their mother, what could possibly hurt more?

"Yes, it is." Sawyer replied again looking firmly into her sister's big green eyes. It maybe should be sad seeing into those, but it wasn't. In a way, Sawyer had the comfort of seeing part of her mother in her sister's eyes. She looked _so_ much like her.

Ellie's hair was everything _but_ curly though. Yet, all the rest was all Peyton. Her hair unlike Sawyer's had stayed just as blonde as the day she was born. She'd planned on dyeing it black once upon a time, but it took her less to enter the bathroom than to change her mind. She didn't admit it all that often, but she actually loved having so much after her mom.

Especially now.

"I…" Ellie began again speaking softly. "I don't know what are we supposed to do now," She said shaking her head just a bit.

Sawyer matched her motion, and shrugged her shoulders too. "I don't know either," She admitted smiling sadly.

"Me either," Max chimed in seriously, but it actually caused his two sisters to share a small chuckle.

"You remember when Mom and Dad brought him home?" Ellie asked in Sawyer's direction, who simply nodded her head and smiled at the memory.

"We didn't know what to do with you either back then," Sawyer said looking down at Max in her arms.

"It wasn't as if you cried a lot, that wasn't it," Ellie began explaining to the little boy who stared back at her grimly. "You just wouldn't sleep either,"

"Mom was freaking out," Sawyer continued for Ellie. "You seemed okay, you kept staring at all of us, and even gurgled and everything, but mom simply couldn't make you sleep all that easy. She would bounced you, Daddy would, I, even Ellie who was scared to death to hold you–"

"Hey," Ellie interrupted indignantly. "I wasn't scared to death," She parroted goofily, somehow forgetting the fact of why they were reminiscing memories this particular evening. "He…You just were _so_ little." She said shifting her eyes to Max who cracked the littlest of smiles at her.

"He wasn't that little," Sawyer said giving Ellie a knowing look, and she sheepishly nodded. "You were all chubby, and alert, and…quite a big baby; mom certainly let us know that," She said with a small smile looking down at Max.

"It was still scary though." Ellie said shrugging her shoulders.

"Do you think she still sees us?" Maxie asked out of the blue, apparently the little guy was the only one that hadn't forgotten for one second about the reality.

_You find the home you thought was your own,  
is nothing but a simple piece of land._

"She said so," He added somberly.

"I hope so buddy, but I really don't know," Sawyer replied looking at the boy sadly.

Max nodded his head and then shifted her eyes to Ellie. "You were pretty little too," He said with a small shrug of his shoulders as he slowly took out of his pocked a wrinkled photograph, and handed it over to Ellie.

Sawyer didn't manage to catch sight of the photo before Ellie took it, but what she did see where the tears building in her sister's eyes as she did so.

"Momma said that you were in her tummy then, and that you were very _very_ little," Maxie said sweetly staring at his sister as she glanced over at the picture.

"Yeah," Ellie said softly, trying her best to keep herself together. "You remember that day?" She asked lowering the picture, before looking up at Sawyer.

Sawyer met her sister's eyes for a few seconds before looking down at the photograph.

"Momma said that was a good day...one of the best days," Max chimed in again upon his sisters' silence.

After taking in a long deep breath, Sawyer nodded her head slightly. "Yeah, it was," She agreed simply. "But no, I don't remember much," She answered looking back up at Ellie's eyes. "I do remember mom was happy though," She added biting strongly her bottom lip in an attempt to keep her emotions in check.

It was obvious all three of them were struggling to accomplish that.

At Sawyer's words, Ellie nodded slowly her head. "What _do _you remember?" She asked as she leaned in and rested back her head on Sawyer's shoulder.

Sawyer then mumbled undistinguishable hums thoughtfully, cradling Maxie closer to her body, before actually replying. "I remember mom's smile, she was actually _happy _that day, and she...she just wouldn't stay still." She said wide-eyed, tilting a little her head so that she was looking right into Ellie's eyes. "Daddy...He would tell her to chill out, that she _needed _to breathe, that he was okay now, but she was just..._so_ happy that he was finally back from the hospital, you know?" She said taking yet another breath before keep going.

"We ate cookies together that night in their room; _that_ I remember," She said smiling just a little. "Everybody had come to the house that day, Dad was finally home, it was a big deal, even grandpa was here, but…at night, when they were all gone, mom must have brought all the trays of cookies she could found into the bedroom. The three of…" She paused reasoning slightly. "_Four_ of us," She corrected cheekily acknowledging, that however in Peyton's womb, Ellie was there somehow too.

Ellie smiled, but reminded quiet as if telling her to keep going.

"All of us ended up sleeping in their bed together that night – don't ask how," She warned with a small smile before Ellie could ask. Lucas and Peyton's bed back then was rather little so as little girls, not Sawyer not Ellie had that many memories of sleeping with them there.

Yet, right now, the picture of the three of them snuggled in the bed was something that indeed did bring warm to Sawyer's heart. "I remember waking up a lot during that night though…I…I remember waking up dad a lot," She confessed actually a little surprised as the memories simply started coming back to her.

"Why?" Maxie asked quietly from her arms.

Sawyer thought for a few seconds looking down at Max, but then offered the boy a soft smile. "I was just scared he wasn't going to wake up again, but he…he always did. And he would just smile at me and tell me things were okay now, that I needed to go back to sleep and he'll be there. That day, It - Mom was right, Max. That was one of the best days; we were all just huddled in the bed, simply eating cookies and making a mess of crumbs in the bed but..." Sawyer paused shrugging her shoulders. "It was just as things were _okay _again and that was all that matters." She stated with a sad smile.

_The flowers don't seem to bloom so bright,  
and fairy tales no longer come true._

"They're not okay now." Max stated back breaking little by little both his sisters' heart. He was still so little, yet he had being forced to grow up before he should have, and that simply wasn't fair.

"Things will be okay again, Maxie," Sawyer said soothingly looking down at her little brother. "You gotta remember all what mom told you, okay?"

Max just nodded burying his head back into her chest. Sawyer sighed heavily, but then turned to look in Ellie's direction. "Your turn," She said with a small nod of her head.

However, Ellie's eyes narrowed as if asking for a bit more of information. "Tell us a story," Sawyer began elaborating. "Something you remember?"

Ellie looked up at her firmly for a good moment, before sitting up a bit. "I remember locking myself in there," She said meekly a few moments later, gesturing them both to the big wooden chest at the end of their parents' bed.

"Mom was _so_ worried about you that day." Sawyer said widening her eyes again. "We didn't know where you where, it...it was actually scary." She said knowingly. Ellie simply bit her lower lip looking sheepishly at her sister.

"And the worst part was that you were even laughing when we…'freed' you from there," Sawyer said shaking slightly her head. "You remember what you told us when we unlocked the box?" She asked raising one brow as if daring her baby sister.

Ellie thought for a few seconds before shaking her head. "Nope," She said quietly.

"Mom asked you why you weren't scared," Sawyer began recalling as she smiled just a bit. It had actually been one scary day. "I mean...It was only logical right? I think you were hardly three years old at the time," She said rather incredulously. "But then you said...all smugly and everything, even then," She said letting out a chuckle that Ellie softly shared. "You told us, 'nope, no scared, I knew you'd come get me…you _always_ do'," Sawyer parroted but as the words started coming out of her mouth, she had to fight hard the tears that were clouding her eyes.

She shifted her eyes from Ellie, and closed them tightly, resting her chin over Maxie's head. There was silence for a good moment before she simply couldn't take it anymore. "I don't know how we are supposed to just…go on without her," She stated brokenly finally letting fall some few hot tears down to her cheeks. She didn't wipe them away, or even attempted to do so, she simply started crying softly against her little brother's head.

Ellie drew blood from her lip attempting not to cry but at some point it simply became too much for her too so she just leaned forward and wrapped her arms strongly around her sister.

_Fairy tales no longer come true;  
for it is seen now through grownup eyes...no longer the world that you knew._

"I think fate sucks," Max said rather serious, breaking the quiet that had settled in the room. For the longest of times, all he could hear were his sisters' soft sniffles, and all he could think about was whose fault that was. He hardly ever before had heard them cried. They were his _big_ sisters, they didn't cry, they weren't afraid of anything, yet they were crying now, and as he seen it, it wasn't his mom's fault.

Of course not.

It was _fate's _fault.

That was what Peyton had told him; that in her fate was to go away a little sooner than she thought she would, but that she still had to do it. He hadn't understood when she told him so then and he didn't understand it now.

He simply knew that it sucked.

His mom wasn't with him, and his sisters were crying. What else could suck more?

"What?" Ellie asked softly, pushing away just a little from her sister so that she was facing the small boy.

"It just sucks Elle," Max said again but now even more seriously. "Momma's not here, and I just don't like it," He all but pouted closing his eyes tightly as he finished speaking.

Sawyer nodded looking down at him, and in her face graced a watery smile as she bent forward a little, kissing his messy curls. "It does suck, kiddo." She said against his temple.

"What do you think she's doing?" Max asked pushing away his head a bit, seeing that way his sister's eyes. They were filled with many tears she hadn't let fall yet, he didn't like that. Reaching out his hand before she could reply, he wiped a few tear tracks off of her cheeks.

Sawyer smiled resting her hand over his on her cheek. "Mom?" She asked with a small nod of her head Max rapidly shared. "I...I don't know, Maxie. I bet she's with grandma, you know?"

"Both?" Max asked cracking the smallest of smiles.

"Both," Sawyer replied matching his little smile. She knew where that was coming. It was somehow nice to think she was not completely alone up there. Even though she couldn't know for sure, she could at least hope so anyway. "I bet she's catching up for all the lost time. That'll be nice, don't you think?"

"I guess so," Max said shrugging one of his shoulders. He always knew how much his mom missed her own moms...or well, at least he _thought_ he knew what his mom felt. He actually didn't know back then, _now _he knew for sure. It felt awful, and he now was feeling what his mom felt for all those years, and although he thought Peyton would be really happy to see them, he still was jealous. He wished she were here with him instead of up in heaven with them.

"Maybe they're listening to us," Ellie chimed in rather softly as she wiped a good bunch of tears off of her cheeks as well.

"Maybe they are," Sawyer said sweetly, as she turned to look at her sister. "You know how mom was; she always _had_ to make sure everything was okay with us. Deep down I don't think that's ever going to change," She said winking at Ellie who simply nodded as her eyes filled with tears once again. "Not even now."

"I hope so," Ellie said offering Sawyer a small smile, as her face fell, and she wiped her cheeks one more time.

"I miss..."

"Yeah, buddy, we missed her too," Sawyer interrupted shifting her eyes back to Max.

"No," He said narrowing his eyes. "I mean, yeah, I miss momma...a lot," He stressed. "But...I miss Daddy too," He stated uneasily looking wearily into Sawyer's eyes.

At his words, Sawyer let out a deep breath, and felt as Ellie nodded her own head against her arm where she had snuggled back. "He…He's going through a lot Maxie, but he…he loves us, he loves _you_, more than anything else, you gotta know that, okay?" She asked nodding slowly, and smiled as Max did so too. He may be a little boy but not a little bit of silly did he had. "Dad's just sad, just like we all are, but…It'll be okay, baby." She promised dragging Maxie back into her arms. "It will be."

_But still...Somewhere in the back of my mind  
that place will always remain._

A few minutes went by and they simply stayed tangled into each other's arms. Sleep rapidly took over Max, and Sawyer knew it would take over Ellie soon too. It had been a long day; actually, it had felt as the longest of days. Neither of them had really slept in over a week, and although she now felt anything _but_ peaceful, at least she knew her mom was.

That alone thought broke her heart, but it also warmed it. There was no more pain.

At least not for her.

"Daddy," Ellie whispered pulling Sawyer out of all those thoughts she'd fallen into.

Sawyer looked up at him, and saw as he simply cleared his throat looking over at the room, and then back at them. "It's late, you all should be sleeping, you…" Lucas said as his eyes fell into a squint as he fixed them on Sawyer. "You should go home; we are going to be okay here."

Sawyer twisted her lips as he spoke and as she also started motioning Ellie to get up of the floor. She got up from the floor with Maxie still in her arms, yet before addressing Lucas again, she handed over gently to Ellie their sleeping brother. "That's okay, I'm staying here," She informed Lucas giving him one firm nod. He could say all he wanted, but she wasn't going anywhere. This was still her family, they needed her, and she simply couldn't be anywhere else right now.

She wasn't leaving them alone.

Lucas nodded wordlessly taking his eyes off of his daughter's. "You all should go to bed then," He said looking down at the floor.

"Yeah," Ellie said softly, walking already in the door's direction. "Night," She called looking up at Lucas who simply offered her yet another nod of his head.

When both Ellie and Max where out of earshot, Sawyer walked closer to her father and took his hand into her own. She rested her chin over his arm, and looked up at his broken face for a moment. "It's all going to be okay, Daddy." She promised softly, standing on her tip-toes, and kissing tenderly her dad's sore cheek.

_From all those memories long ago,  
to beckon me back time and again._

* * *

**Long :** To have an earnest, heartfelt desire, especially for something beyond reach...

* * *

**AN : **What do you think? So like you read, this chapter _did_ address a tad the past, and what happened in **"Far Away"** ·· If you read both stories, I hope this chapter was clear enough, but if it wasn't I'll figure out something ;) I still hope this chapter had answered more questions than make more, you know?

Now at least you know a little bit more about Max, yet you'd learn more in future chapters of course though. I think I'm kinda rambling, but I really do hope you'd find this chapter good...


	5. Quit

**Author's Note : **You guys are amazing; your reviews & love to this story thus far has been actually a whole lot more than I ever expected it'd be! Thank you very much! This chapter is a tad different, so you gotta read a bit more carefully - at least at first to understand properly what is going on - Italics are flashbacks and normal lettering is present time. Please don't forget to let me know what you think** :)**

* * *

_When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,  
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,  
When the funds are low, and the debts are high…_

**Quit**

"_Your Dad let me in..."_

_Silence._

_Brooke was getting used to getting that in response. She'd gone to the hospital a couple of times, and all the times she tried to talk to her, all she'd get back in response was silence. _

_She was broken._

_If well it was true Brooke had never had to deal with anything as horrific as your mom dying, she still knew what it was like to have someone in your life you love so much that the simple thought of imagining your life without it makes you want to cry._

_She still wanted to make things better for that girl, she owed that much to her mother._

"Did you sleep?" She asked softly as she sat down at the edge of the bed.

Sawyer looked up at her with a broken smile on her face. "Not really," She said with a small shrug of her shoulder, gesturing her Aunt to her sleeping sister in her arms.

Brooke smiled sadly and reached her hand out tucking a straight blonde lock behind Ellie's ear as she slumbered. "Come here," She requested as she gently took Sawyer's hand into her own and motioned her to sit with her on the other bed.

Sawyer hesitated for a good few minutes watching down at Ellie, and then up into her Aunt's eyes. For more that one reason, she didn't want to let of Ellie; her little sister was sleeping and calm at last, and in many ways, that brought comfort to Sawyer's heart in a way she couldn't quite explain. She obliged anyway to her Aunt's wishes in the end, and after placing carefully a small blanket over her sister, she sat across the room in the second twin bed her Aunt had already sat on.

"She woke up a few times last night crying," Sawyer confessed uneasily. Her eyes were still firmly fixed on her little sister's frame. "I didn't know what I was supposed to do so I just..."

"You were here for her," Brooke filled in for her kindly. She rested her hand over Sawyer's knee and gave a small squeeze as if telling her to look over at her. The girl closed her eyes but did as her Aunt told her. "There is not much more you can do, honey." Brooke told her soothingly. "And…And I know you think as if you have to take care of them–"

"I do," Sawyer cut her off firmly. "I do…I _have_ to," She added shrugging her shoulders just a bit. "They need me, Aunt Brooke."

Brooke nodded her head and offered her yet another sad smile at those last few words she uttered. "They do," She agreed simply. "But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't take care of yourself too,"

At her words, Sawyer's eyes fell shut again, and she started shaking her head slightly. "I can't sleep," She admitted painfully. "Every time I close my eyes I just start thinking about her, you know? And I just don't know what's worst, thinking of her, or not at all." She said as she opened back her eyes and fixed them into Brooke's. "It's…I know it's silly and it's what everybody else always says, but...Mom was _here_ just a few days ago and now…Now she just isn't. She's _gone_, and…How are we supposed to make sense of that? How am _I _supposed to make sense of that?" She asked brokenly, and swallowing hard the large lump that had formed in her throat.

"You can't," Brooke replied after just a few seconds of musing over her niece's statement. "You can try all you want but you can't make sense of what happened to your mom...none of us can." She said firmly, even when that at the mention of Peyton, it didn't matter if she was talking to Sawyer, Julian or any of her daughters for that matter, she would always still feel the hot tears forming in the corners of her eyes. This was just as hard on her.

"I feel…empty," Sawyer spoke softly a few seconds later. "I thought…hell, I didn't think, I _knew_ it was going to hurt when she was…" She let her sentence trail off closing tightly her eyes again. She stayed quiet for a moment biting strongly her bottom lip before breathing in deeply and opening back her eyes. "Gone," She added at last. "But now…I just don't know what I feel, it's not nothing, it's not something; it is just…as if I was empty inside. I'm afraid that if I _do_ close my eyes, if I do go to sleep, then when I wake up I'm going to think that she's downstairs, you know? Making breakfast, or in her bedroom with Dad, or anything, but then..." She paused fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall. "And then I just don't want to feel what I know I would feel when I realize she really isn't here anymore." She finished brokenly, as she lifted one of her hands wiping the tears that hadn't even make their way down to her cheeks yet.

Brooke held her stare on the girl before her for a few seconds before pulling her strongly into her arms. She cuddled her closer to her chest and brushed a good bunch of unruly curls off of her face. "I'm not sure what is that that I am supposed to tell you to make everything all right for you, sweetie, but what I do know is that things are going to get...easier, okay? Your mom...You know I love her," She paused gasping when her voice cracked and tears of her own started falling down to her cheeks. "I don't know myself what I'm going to do without her, but I know that she would have wanted me to be strong and be here for her family and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm not letting you, or Ellie, or any of you hide away of what you all are feeling. We're getting through this but we...you are just not doing it by yourself because I'm not gonna let you,"

"_I am sorry, you know?" She said softly as she climbed up into the bed next to the blonde. Brooke could hardly see her face when she got inside the room, she had the covers up to her chin, and as she spoke, she pulled the covers even higher, covering until her last bit of her messy curls__. At that, Brooke so had to roll her eyes slightly; she was being overly stubborn even now. "Your Dad said you haven't eat much, and that you've been here since you came back from the cemetery," She started noting hoping her words would get through somehow. "He said you have not talk much either and that it was maybe good for you if I came in. He seemed sad and I guess...I don't know P. I bet he misses her just as much as you do."_

_Brooke paused rolling her eyes again, but this time a ton more dramatically when Peyton shook her head from under the covers. "Get out of there," Brooke demanded strongly pulling the covers off of her friend's frame. Peyton growled and closed her eyes tightly trying with all her might not to look at Brooke. "You are being silly," Brooke noted actually serious as she got closer to the blonde and wrapped her arms around her shoulders strongly. _

"_No I'm not, you gotta go, I...I don't want you here," Peyton said at last. Brooke should have been mad at the bitterly way she said the words but she couldn't. Peyton had just lost her mom, she honestly couldn't hold anything against the blonde even if she wanted to._

"_Yes you do," Brooke retorted never losing her tight hold on her friend. "You may not know it now but you do need me here. You...I honestly don't care how many doors you slam close, or how many covers you pull over yourself, I'm still going to be here to pull you out cause I'm your best friend whether you like it or not," She stated as seriously as she's ever been. "And you know what? That's the way it's going to stay forever because you're strong-headed and stubborn and I'm sure you are always going to need someone reminding you just how very awesome your mom was, because she was, and guess what? That person is me Peyton, so deal with it."_

"A large reason of the person I am now I owe it to your mom, you know?" Brooke continued speaking softly. "She was so good to me through the years, when no one was around, when I have even hurt her badly, she was still there and never turned her back on me. I know you know everything that ever happened between the two of us and even your Daddy, but despite the fact of us actually hurting each other, because we did, I don't think that the fact that we loved each other as sisters ever changed. Your mom made me a better person, and I know I helped her being the person she was at some level too…What I am trying to say..." She paused for a moment drawing away from Sawyer just a little bit so that the two of them could see into each other's eyes.

"Is that I don't care how much time passes, or what happens in that time, I'm never letting go of your mom and everything that she means to me. She might not be here, _physically,_ but that doesn't mean I can't think she's here with us in some other way. Your mom was always stubborn as hell, just like you girls are, and I just don't think death or whatever, can get in her way of being here for her family and the people she loves. I…I know it's not going to be easy. I know we are going to carry with the pain of losing her for a long time, but that doesn't mean that it is not going to get better with time. I'm going to miss your mom for whatever time I have left in this earth but in any case, whatever that time is, I'm not going to spend it crying, and hiding myself from the world, she…You know she wouldn't want that Sawyer Scott." Brooke said firmly never losing Sawyer's eyes from hers.

_| You want to smile, but you have to sigh,  
__When care is pressing you down a bit,  
__Rest, if you must, but do not quit |_

"I _do_ wonder where she is," Sawyer began speaking softly after a few minutes of simply staring loosely into her Aunt's eyes.

Brooke looked back at her slightly confused so she decided to elaborate a little. "You know sometimes you hear people saying how they feel soft breezes, or tingles in the back of their heads?" Sawyer continued, and Brooke simply gave her a nod. "I don't feel any of that. I just...I just can vividly feel the hole she left inside of me, and…All I want is to fill it, you know? I felt silly, but last night all I did was try to look over for her here, for anything that would have let me know that she was still here with us in _any_ way, but…Nothing ever happened." She confessed sadly just as her face fell and a few tears formed again in her eyes.

"I don't think we actually talked about it enough, you know? I mean about _now_. We all knew what was going to happen, and I'm sure I wasn't the only one who was aware about how much it was going to hurt, but now…She _really_ isn't here, she's not, and I just don't know what to do with that…"

"_You are scaring me P." Brooke noted softly. After her words, Peyton had genuinely let go of everything, and had started crying inconsolable in her arms._

_And although at first Brooke thought crying - for the first time since everything had happened with her mom was a good thing and would actually make her good, when the minutes started passing by, and Peyton's crying didn't stop but only grew harder, Brooke grew just as worried as well._

"_Come on, Sawyer. P. I didn't mean to make you cry," She said soothingly lifting Peyton's face a little with her forefinger, and wiping in vain a few tears off of her overly flushed cheeks._

_Even though Peyton didn't exactly stop crying, she did look up at Brooke and offered her one small smile._

_Brooke was sure she hadn't seem one of those in what seemed to be a lifetime, so she smiled as well, and bent down a little, pressing a soft kiss to the crown of Peyton's head._

"_I'm also going to miss your mom a lot, you know?" Brooke confessed sadly, letting one of her own tears fell from her eyes. "She was always so nice to me, and...and I know I always made a mess of her art supplies, but she's __**so**__ good P. that...I don't know, I just thought maybe it was because of her pencils," She said quietly, but Peyton still let out a small watery chuckle at her words._

"_You wanna go for a little walk?" Brooke offered hopefully, and feeling actually relieved Peyton had finally stopped crying. "I don't think your Daddy would mind, and I saw a ton of takeout in your living room, so I'm sure we can take some if you are hungry," She said shrugging slowly one shoulder._

"_Would you go with me to the cemetery?" Peyton asked, her voice was rather husky, it was maybe because of the crying, or maybe also because she hadn't really talked in a long while. Either way Brooke was glad she finally managed to hear her voice._

"_Sure," She replied with a nod. "But...Why you wanna go? I mean...Weren't you just there with your Dad?" Brooke asked as she began standing up from the bed. She would go anywhere with Peyton right now, but that still didn't mean she couldn't feel curious as of the 'Why'._

"_I just wanna give her something."_

"Do you feel better now?"

_| Life is queer with its twists and turns,  
As everyone of us sometimes learns,  
And many a failure turns about,  
when he might have won had he stuck it out_. |

Sawyer stared into her Aunt's eyes for a few seconds before nodding faintly. "Yeah," She replied simply, her voice so uncharacteristically small. "Why?" She asked back as her eyes feel into a squint.

Brooke smiled softly and reached her hand out stroking Sawyer's cheek tenderly. "Because now your fears are not only yours," She replied simply, and smiled just a bit when Sawyer closed her eyes and leaned into her touch.

"You remember that one time at the store..." Brooke began again a moment later, after she'd already cuddled the curly blonde-haired close to her chest. "When you were little and the new line had just arrived. The day all the new clothes fell down over you with showcase and everything?" Sawyer nodded her head against her chest and Brooke _had_ to smile. "You were the picture of sadness that day..."

"I just felt _so _bad for Ellie," Sawyer whispered cutting Brooke short. She pulled away just a little from her arms, and Brooke was glad to see that soft smile that was gracing on her face.

"Ellie was..."

"Not even two years old," Sawyer filled in for her. "I just didn't want to get into trouble, and she hardly even talked a few words back then, and I..."

"You decided to blame the whole mess on her instead," Brooke noted somewhat playfully, her voice carrying some sort of longing for those days when things were simply _all right_.

"But I felt bad about it," Sawyer retorted defensively, turning to look over at her still sleeping baby-sister.

"You remember what you asked me after you came clean to me?" Brooke asked raising slightly one of her brows.

Sawyer looked up thoughtfully for a few seconds before shaking her head. "Not really, something about being grounded?" She tried uncertainly.

In any case, Brooke nodded at her words. "You asked first if you were grounded."

"You said '_yes_'," Sawyer interrupted pouting slightly.

"I said '_a little grounded'_," Brooke retorted with a smile. "But then you said that it was okay that I grounded you because it hadn't been Ellie's fault in the end, and with that you just walked away without even caring to hear your '_punishment_'," Brooke said finger-quoting in the air causing with that a few of Sawyer's soft chuckles.

In that instant she really couldn't think of a nicer sound.

"_You reminded me," Peyton said softly as she and Brooke stood in front of her mother's grave._

"_I bet she'll need them," Brooke said with a small chuckle leaning her head against Peyton's shoulder. "I think your mom only stopped drawing when she was asleep," She pointed out playfully and smiled when Peyton nodded her head strongly against her own._

"_Why do you think these things happen?" Peyton asked quietly as she walked a few steps forward, and placed some of her mom's art supplies, and a sketchbook over the fresh dirt._

_| Don't give up though the pace seems slow.  
You may succeed with another blow |_

"_I don't know, P." Brooke replied honestly with a shrug of her shoulders. "I guess it is like with ice-cream, or hmm...Chocolate..."_

"_What? How?" Peyton asked confused turning round from her mom's grave to face her friend._

"_I mean," Brooke began again but this time around with a coy smile on her face. "You know when you get a really good chocolate bar, but then, before you even had enough time to taste it properly you realize it's already over?" Brooke tried explaining, but Peyton's face remained just as puzzled as ever._

"_Yeah, but...How that got something to do with my mom?" Peyton asked again, but this time a little more confused if that were even possible._

"_Well, maybe it's the same with moms. Maybe when the one you get is __**so**__ good that all the other kids wanna get one just like her - like your mom was, maybe then, I don't know…Maybe moms like that just aren't supposed to last long," Brooke explained but felt uneasy with the way Peyton started twisting her lips at her words._

"_Maybe," She replied after just a few seconds. "I still don't think it's fair," She stated solemnly before sitting on her knees next to the grave._

"_Where do you think she goes now?" Brooke asked as she also sat down next to Peyton._

_She held her stare on Brooke for a few moments before shrugging. "I wish I knew," She said uneasily. "I...I guess she's still around somewhere,"_

"_You think so?" Brooke asked fairly casually as she looked around at all the cold stones that surrounded them._

"_Yeah," Peyton replied softly. "She always said she would never leave me alone, and..."_

"_She never lied," Brooke filled in for Peyton with a smile, before bending her body slightly and rest her head against the blonde's. "She never did."_

"I've always hated lies," Sawyer explained when her chuckles had died. "I was chasing her, Ellie was running all around, she might as well have been the one that threw the showcase down but...she still wasn't, it was me the one that stumbled against the darn thing in the end," She said with a shy shrug.

Brooke smiled at the way Sawyer re-told history. If well it was true that having all the girls at her store was one of the things she enjoyed the most back in the day, that didn't change the fact of how rambunctious and trouble-makers those girls used to be. "Why were you chasing her that time around?"

Sawyer smiled sheepishly at the question, as she shifted her eyes from Brooke to Ellie in the bed beside them one more time. "I wanted to play I guess. I-I actually think I wanted her to be the princess," She confessed shyly and Brooke couldn't help but chuckle.

"She hated, _hated_ having stuff over her head, not even tiaras worked for her one bit," Brooke reminisced with a smile on her face.

Sawyer chuckled and nodded strongly at the trueness of the statement. "She did, she was a lot like..."

"Like Noah is now," Brooke filled in and Sawyer nodded her head once again. "They are a lot alike, aren't they?"

"A lot,"

_| Success is failure turned inside out,  
The silver tint of the clouds no doubt,  
And you never can tell how close you are,  
It may be near when it seems so far, |_

"_You know she was proud of you, right Peyton?" Brooke asked in something just above a whisper. It was getting dark, and although she was scared to death for being at the cemetery so late, she knew she couldn't complain._

_Peyton needed to be there._

"_She said so, but..." She began, but let her sentence trail off closing her eyes tightly._

"_What?" Brooke asked softly._

"_She always said I was meant to do great things, you know?" Peyton asked more into the air, but in any case, Brooke nodded along at her words._

_She'd heard Anna said that a lot to Peyton; she had also of course wished her own mother would tell her something like that, but soon enough after meeting Peyton and her family, she'd also learn how her own mom was anything like Anna._

"_But I don't know now what those 'great things' were," Peyton continued. "How am I supposed to do them now if my mom never got the chance to explain them to me?" She asked brokenly turning to look right into Brooke's eyes at last._

"_I think you will find your way, P." Brooke said sweetly leaning in and pulling Peyton into one tight hug she didn't fight one bit. "And if you can't find it on your own, I'll help you," She added with a small chuckle Peyton shared before asking quietly. _

"_You promise?"_

"You've known mom for a whole lot longer than _any_ of us have, I...I don't think I've thought about that until now," Sawyer said with her eyes slightly narrowed as she stare at her Aunt.

"I have," Brooke said simply, but the hint of sadness her voice carried wasn't lost on anyone.

"I'm sorry, Aunt Brooke," Sawyer said with a small shrug, offering Brooke the sadness of smiles.

She'd thought, not long ago, how she, her sister, brother, and Lucas were the only people that could understand fully how it felt to lose Peyton, but she had been wrong. That sorrow she had never ever seen before in her Aunt's face let her know that much.

_She_ understood, too.

"I promised your mom a_ long _time ago how I would _always_ have her back. Now...Well, I guess that now that means take care of the people she loved the most, so that's exactly what I am going to do," Brooke stated firmly. "You just gotta let me, okay?"

_"I do, I promise..." Brooke replied simply in something just above a whisper, and Peyton found herself simply nodding for a moment._

"_I think that's good...I'm sure I'll use the little help__ in the end."_

_| So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,  
It's when things seem worse,  
that you must not quit. |_

* * *

**AN : **What did you think? Was it confusing? I hope not! You really have no idea how much I wanted to write this chapter this way. I think I even knew how _badly _I wanted to write it even before I decided upon writing this story. I honestly hope I came at least close to what I intended to write in the first place and that you all had like it. Thanks so much for reading one more time! For those who want to know, we'd get to Luke pretty soon! I just needed to write this chapter first** :)**


	6. Live

**Author's Note : **Hello! So I did have a big enough deal of an argument with myself as to which chapter of this story I wanted to post next - I decided upon this one despite the one I originally thought I'd post because I really just wanted to give you all, at last, even if it was through a flashback, some _actual _Lucas&Peyton interaction. It's not that "happy", yet, like pretty much every chapter to this story, it gives you backstory.

This chapter 'happens' only _one and a half years before_ "Present-Time"

All in all, I do hope you enjoy this chapter. From the bottom of my heart I have to say, if you ever ever shed a tear with this story, you can bet I too shed at least tenfold yours. This story hits close to home & that was just why I said this was so darn hard to write in the first place. I _do_ hope you enjoy this anyhow!

* * *

_Whatever you give away today…or think or say or do.  
Will multiply about tenfold, and then return to you_

**Live**

"I don't want to," She mumbled rather annoyed, trying with all her might to push off of her body her very, _very_ insisting husband. "It's _too_ early,"

"No, it's not," Lucas fought back playfully, not giving up but trying harder. "Come on, you gotta get up, and…" He paused using his arms to turn her around slightly. She fought his hold for a moment but then give in after growling. He had to chuckle at how tightly her eyes were closed. "And you gotta kiss me '_Good morning' _too," He all about ordered tracing with his finger all the lines of her face.

He was beginning to hate waking her up, _especially_ now, but they had a big day ahead and given she had been feeling all right lately; Lucas now more than ever before wanted badly to take advantage of those '_good days'_.

"The baby kept me up all night," Peyton muttered as she attempted to pull her covers back up and sleep a little bit more. However, as she felt Lucas propping himself up on his elbow, she knew the day had begun whether she was okay with it or not.

"He did?" Lucas asked back, and if Peyton's eyes had been opened, she would have surely rolled them; he sounded _so_ concern, as if being up with a four-month-old would break her.

"Uh, huh," Peyton replied simply, yet, refusing mightily to open her eyes.

Lucas narrowed his, and stayed looking at her small frame steadily. He simply couldn't help but shake his head a bit. "You should have woken me up, I…You,"

"Shush," She interrupted, turning to the other side so that she was facing Lucas. She opened her eyes at last and with her forefinger over his lips made him stop. "You were asleep, I did try," She argued coyly before leaning up slightly and pressing a soft kiss to his lips. "Morning," She mumbled with a small smile against his lips.

She waited a moment, but this time around actually rolled her eyes a tad annoyed at that way he was looking at her. She stayed put for another moment before somewhat angrily pushing away from him. "I _can_ take care of him, you know?" She bit out, getting up from the bed and heading into the bathroom without giving Lucas a second look.

_It may not come immediately, nor from the obvious source...  
But the law applies unfailingly, through some invisible source._

"It's not even seven in the morning and you are already slamming doors?" Ellie stated more of what she asked as she entered the nursery.

Peyton looked over at her from the crib and shook her head a little. "Not slamming," She scoffed, giving Ellie a knowing look. "But yeah, your Dad knows pretty well how to push my buttons, you know?"

"I'm sorry, Mom," Ellie said softly, as she reached her mother and dropped a small kiss to her cheek.

Peyton smiled looking fondly at her. "It's not your fault, baby."

Ellie nodded her head but her lips twisted uneasily slightly. "It's not his either," She said with a small shrug of her shoulders.

Taking a deep breath, Peyton acknowledged Ellie was right and nodded her own head as well. "I know," She said quietly before shifting her eyes down to the crib. "He was all fussy all night," She noted trying subtly to change the subject. She knelt down on the floor, and with her forefinger traced the small boy's jaw line. "Hey buddy, you better now?" She cooed as the baby's eyes fluttered open.

Ellie smiled genuinely, looking down at her mom and it took her just mere seconds to kneel down beside her. She rested her head on Peyton's shoulder, and reached her hand out taking the baby's hand into her own as if saying '_Hi_'. "I can bet he wasn't the only one who had trouble sleeping last night," She pointed out rather rightly, giving her mom a knowing look.

Peyton chuckled but nodded her head. "It is still nice, you know?" She said looking over at Ellie.

"What exactly?" She asked back standing up from the floor already as her mom did so too. "Having him here? Or the fact that she's coming back?"

Peyton looked thoughtfully at Ellie before bending down and picking up the baby from the crib. She walked a few steps towards the rocking chair and sat there holding the boy protectively in her arms. "Both of them" She replied at last, with a small smile on her face. "You're happy to be home, aren't you baby?" She asked looking down at the boy who gurgled back at her as if they were having an actual conversation. "But yes," She began again as she lifted her head and locked eyes with Ellie. "I am happy your sister's moving back...I, I feel selfish about it, don't think I don't but...She's a grown woman, and I never asked her and she..."

"She was the one that chose to come home," Ellie interrupted knowing better than to let her mom ramble anymore. "Sawyer was going nuts over there, she...she really was. She worried a lot, and I actually think she'll use the help here with Noah too, right baby?" She asked sweetly, reaching her mom and nephew on the rocking chair, and caressing softly the baby's chubby cheek.

_Whatever you feel about another, be it love, or hate, or passion...  
Will surely bounce right back to you__ in some clear (or secret) fashion._

"Ellie scolded me for slamming doors," She said coyly by the doorway.

Lucas looked up at her from the bed and smiled. He closed his eyes for a second, and shook his head a little bit before walking in his wife's direction.

"I'm sorry,"

They both echoed at the same time as they reached each other half way.

Peyton chuckled but Lucas simply smiled sadly. "I just...I worry, you know that," He stated as he took Peyton's hand into his own, and sat himself on the bed sitting her on his lap. "And you do need your sleep, and I know we both are really happy the baby...and Sawyer, and William are here, but...That doesn't mean, not for _one_ second, that I'm going to stop worrying about you, got it?" He asked lifting her chin from his chest as she had already snuggled comfortable there.

"I know," Peyton replied softly, stroking his cheek with her hand. "You know I do love you for it, but...I am okay," She drawled out uneasily shifting her eyes from his.

Lucas sighed, and remained in silence for a few seconds simply holding her tightly in his arms. "I'd giv–" He began but Peyton turning in his arms caused him to stop.

"Hey, _shush_," She pleaded him with a small smile. "I'm feeling okay, all right? I just...I just want to be with you, and the kids, and not to think about stuff, okay?" She asked before snuggling back into his embrace.

Lucas let out a small chuckle at her words and nodded. "Okay, Blondie," He said sweetly bending down and stealing a kiss from her. She giggled slightly, and couldn't help but smack playfully his chest before standing up from her comfortable spot on his lap and started pacing around.

"Brooke called?" Peyton asked biting her lower lip, and staring mischievously into his eyes.

"She did." Lucas replied simply and only a _little_ exasperated. The girls' talks at _every_ minute of _every_ day for the past week about any and every little detail about the party were _maybe_ starting to get to him.

"That's good," Peyton said nearly squealing from her spot, and actually clapping both her hands in the air excitedly. "What did she say? She should be getting here soon. Everything actually should start arriving soon, and Maxie, I gotta get the boy ready, and..."

"Hey, Peyton!" Lucas called out stopping her tirade with a chuckle. "It's gonna be a great day," He stated and she squished her nose smiling

It was in fact going to be a great day.

"Yes it is," Peyton agreed, smiling that smile she hadn't in a long while. She surely had missed her girl. "I can't believe it's been a year though," She added thoughtfully a few seconds later.

At her words, Lucas scoffed...loudly. "Yeah? Me either," He said incredulously standing up from the bed and walking towards the dresser. Before he continued talking, he pulled two t-shirts out of it, and turned around showing them both to Peyton.

"White," She replied simply with a tiny smirk on her face and Lucas nodded.

"White it is," He agreed putting back the blue one into the closet. "I almost still can't believe the smart-ass goof dared to even _propose_ to her, let alone that they have been married for one year already – _and_ with a baby!" He said wide-eyed and laughed when Peyton's chuckles filled the bedroom at his statement.

"I didn't know how much I was actually going to like it though," Peyton confessed with a goofy smirk after just a few seconds.

Lucas turned around from the mirror, and squinted at her in that very same way he'd done so many times before. "Like what?" He asked simply, but a chuckle was really attempting to escape his throat. She looked pretty darn adorable when she wanted to say something but needed that little push to actually say so.

"Being a…g-grandma," Peyton said sheepishly and Lucas couldn't contain the laughter any longer. She mocked a glare in his direction but then joined him and laughed as well.

"I feel you," Lucas replied playfully after a few moments. "If Noah wasn't as awesome as he is, I'd probably hate the idea of being called..." He trailed off smirking. "Grandpa," He whispered and now it was Peyton's turn to laugh aloud.

"It's kind of a good thing he can't talk quite yet, isn't it?" Peyton asked knowingly and Lucas could only nod his head in return.

After just a few seconds of musing over the idea, Peyton walked behind him and wrapped both her arms tightly around his waist, and rested her head against his arm. She then simply looked in front at the mirror how good the two of them still look together – even after all those years.

Lucas smiled at the sight too, and then leaned down a little kissing fondly the top of her head. "I love you,"

"Yeah," Peyton said playfully with a chuckle before standing on her tip-toes and kissing his lips in return. "I love you too, baby," She promised caressing tenderly his cheek.

"Smooch!" A very disgusted little voice broke them from their moment. Both their heads jerked towards the bedroom door and at the sight of the boy they couldn't help but chuckle.

"Morning to you too, baby," Peyton greeted a moment later gesturing Maxie to come inside.

"Morning momma," He mumbled sleepily before giggling genuinely when Peyton picked him up from the floor and placed him right on her hip.

"Did you have a good night, little man?" She asked nuzzling playfully her nose against the boy's.

"All nice dreams, Momma," Max replied fairly nonchalantly, before resting his sleepy head on his mom's shoulder.

Just when Peyton was about to tell him how good that was, he spoke softly again into her ear. "Noah still cries way too much!" He complained and both Lucas and Peyton _had_ to laugh.

"He just missed his momma," Peyton explained before plopping the boy down on the bed so Lucas could say his '_Good Mornings'_ as well.

"Daddy, then I guess he _really_ missed Sawyer _a lot_!" The five-year-old said with a chuckle as Lucas kissed his cheek good morning. "He was loud!"

Lucas chuckled as he pulled away from the boy and nodded. "You know? I think I've missed her just as much," He said more to Peyton and to himself than he did to Max, but either way it was the truth.

It really was a good thing having his little girl back.

_If you speak about some person a word of praise or two...  
Soon, tens of other people__ will speak kind words of you._

"Boo!" Peyton cooed playfully to the little boy in her arms. In return, the baby giggled with all his might and she couldn't be more glad. "You are quite a boy, you know that?" She asked raising her eyebrows and chuckled when Noah's eyes went wide at her question. "Don't look that surprised mister, you are," She insisted nodding.

"You know people might have thought you'd turn out to be a serious kind of boy giving how tough your Daddy can be, but..._You_ kid, you don't take anything seriously, do you?" Peyton asked and had to chuckle when the boy let out his best belly-laugh proving her point.

"Well...Then again, maybe you got your perky side from your mom...yup, I guess you did," She nodded looking firmly into Noah's eyes. Although he was already four-months-old, his eyes were still the biggest of mysteries. One day they could well be brightest blue just as Sawyer's, the other light brow like his Dad's, but some others, days like today, it seemed to be a weird combination of the lightest of grays with slight hints of blue. Bottom-line however, Peyton thought they were beautiful, period. But then again; how couldn't she not think that, right? That boy was_ her_ grandson after all. "She still didn't laugh as much as you do, and even if she did, I think your laugh's cuter," She said squishing her nose up and tickling softly the small boy.

"Hey," Her soft voice carried from the kitchen door and Peyton looked up at her sheepishly. "What are you telling him?"

"Nothing," Peyton replied with a small shrug of her shoulders. "Just the truth, right Noah?" She asked looking down at the baby and nodding strongly.

Sawyer chuckled at the way Noah's eyes were fixed on Peyton's. She walked to the table where the two of them were sitting and kissed her mom's cheek, before glancing down at her baby. "Hey," She cooed simply but by the tone of her voice, it was obvious for anyone, especially for Peyton, just how very much she'd missed him the night before. "You were good, kid?" She asked caressing his chubby cheek, before taking a seat across from her mom. "Well?" She asked with a smile, and raising playfully one eyebrow.

Peyton looked up at her for a few seconds, and then looked down twisting her lips at the baby. "Eh," She let out goofily before chuckling just as Sawyer started doing so too. It was in the end something to be expected; they couldn't expect the baby to sleep smoothly through the night the very first time his mom wasn't around, now could they?

"Was it that bad?" Sawyer asked somewhat apologetically but still with a smile on her face. It didn't hurt knowing her baby-boy had missed her just as much as she missed him.

"Nah," Peyton replied jokingly. "I just had forgotten what it was like to spend the night awake, you know?" She said with a shrug and both of them had to chuckle again, and this time around, even Noah did so too.

"I missed him," Sawyer confessed biting slightly her lower lip, and looking down at her lap.

Peyton scoffed a little but nodded her head as she began standing up from her chair. "Of course you did," She granted simply handing Sawyer her baby-boy over before kissing the top of her head.

"Hey, buddy," Sawyer greeted again kissing softly Noah's forehead, before shifting her eyes back up at her mom. "Everything looks awesome outside," She noted genuinely excited at everything that her mom and Aunt had put together for her party.

"You think so?" Peyton asked back, perhaps, just as excitedly turning around from the counter so that she was seeing right into her daughter's eyes. They were sparkling so much more than just happiness today; it had been a rough year, but she'd gone through it graciously.

"Yeah, of course," Sawyer replied decisively. "Just saw Aunt Brooke out there, she's driving everyone crazy but it really is looking awesome," She said with a nod her mom matched.

"I know," Peyton agreed simply. It had been sort of last minute but as soon as Sawyer told her they were leaving Washington for good and coming back home, she knew she _had_ to throw them something. It just had happened to fit perfectly for Sawyer and William's first wedding anniversary, but in more than one way, it was a '_Welcome Home'_ party. Her daughter truly deserved something like that.

"Where's everybody else?" Sawyer asked looking around at the empty kitchen, and the whole lot of plates scattered all over.

"Your Aunt Haley arrived in time for breakfast," Peyton said pointing the empty plates and chuckling slightly. "Your Dad's upstairs with her who's supposedly helping him pick up a tie," She said shaking her head just a bit. It didn't matter how much time passed, that boy would never be able to pick the '_right_' outfit without someone's help...especially Haley's and hers, but still...She wasn't one to complain about the fact. She well could be the same in special occasions. "And Nate..." She began but paused scoffing. "Nate's goofing around with the kids somewhere, you should have just seen Sara calling '_No-eee'_,"

"How are you mom?" Sawyer asked quietly as she stopped chuckling after Peyton's comment. She very well knew how much Sara loved her little guy but that still didn't stop the one thought that had been running in her head endlessly since she walked into that kitchen that morning.

Even though she surely didn't want to do it, Peyton's smile faded almost immediately at Sawyer's words. She shook her head slightly before turning around to the sink and started washing a few dishes. "Just fine," She replied at last, not really wanting to get into details. "You should go upstairs and say '_Hi'_ to Luke, he'd really missed you kid," She added after a moment with a small shrug of her shoulders.

_Our thoughts are broadcasts of the soul,__ not secrets of the brain.  
Kind ones bring us happiness, petty ones untold pain.  
If hate you send, hate you'll get back but loving brings love nearer._

"I've always liked him," Ellie said softly taking a seat right next to her mother. She'd been quite deep in thought just looking at everybody, including her daughter and husband dancing in the middle of the dance floor.

"William?" Peyton asked just as softly, even though she knew the answer. And in the end it was the truth, one way or another, Ellie had _always_ been sure of Sawyer's feelings towards William, sometimes even more than she had done so herself.

Maybe it was the sister thing.

"Yeah," Ellie replied without hesitation before bending her head down, and resting it over her mom's shoulder. "You had fun mom?"

Peyton smiled and nodded slowly against her daughter's head. "I am _still_ having fun," She said pointedly looking down at Ellie. "You baby?"

"Yeah," Ellie said quietly shrugging slightly her shoulders. "I guess I'd be sick of everybody babying me as if I was made of glass too," She noted giving Peyton an apologetic look.

She closed her eyes a little taking in a deep breath and then nodded her head. "They are worried, I..."

"And you are not?" Ellie interrupted suddenly. She drew away from her mom and stared at her same pair of green eyes.

"I am," Peyton replied simply, yet one hundred percent sincerely. "But I...We shouldn't live like this, I don't want that..."

"Live how?" Ellie chimed in again, but the concern her voice carried this time around broke little by little Peyton's heart. If it was true, Ellie's first reaction had been by far the worst from all her family, after she was over the initial shock of it all, she'd been nothing short of Peyton's rock. She understood her, and surprisingly enough, Peyton too understood where she was coming today.

"Scared"

_Remember as you start this day__ and duty crowds your mind.  
That kindness comes so quickly back to those who first are kind._

"I'm not gonna tell you to go to bed," Lucas warned playfully as he entered the living room.

Peyton looked up at him from the couch, and shook her head a little although she couldn't help but smile. "Come here," She ordered patting the empty spot next to her in the couch.

Lucas chuckled slightly but obliged. He sat down on the couch and pulled her into his arms, allowing her to rest the better part of her body against his. "I am scared, and I...I'm sorry," He confessed after a few seconds. "I can't pretend I'm not when I am, and..."

"You shouldn't have," Peyton interrupted looking up a little so that she was seeing into his eyes. "There's no easy way to fix this mess, I know that, and...You know I'm just as scared as you are, but I..." She paused taking a deep breath, and closing her eyes for a few seconds. "I just chose to try not to be. I...I think you and I might have learned something by now, don't you think?" She asked tilting her head a little.

Lucas narrowed his eyes looking at her but then shrugged his shoulders. "What's that?"

"That bad things are going to happen whether we like it or not," Peyton explained simply and shrugged one of her shoulders as well. "And that actually doesn't mean _anything_ bad...You and I have survived everything and even more together, so...I don't know, I guess if we are meant to survive this too we just will, okay?" She asked lifting herself up slowly and pressing lovingly her lips to his. "I love you; you do know that, right?" She asked against his lips, and let out a small chuckle when she felt him smiling against hers.

"I do," Lucas replied solemnly, but still smiling. It was simply the fact of looking into her eyes that brought his whole heart…hope. "I love you, too."

_Let that thought and this one__ direct us through each day.  
The only things we ever keep are the things we give away._

* * *

**AN : **So, what did you think? This chapter -_among some other things_- explained something only some of you caught the last chapter; _Noah_. I wanted that. Even when LP didn't get to have all they wished they'd have for a longer time; at the very least, they got it for a little while.

One more time I'm hoping the chapter wasn't so confusing and that you were able to actually understand what was going on. I come from a very liberal family, yet, we still say "pass away" rather than "died" : If that makes any sense for any of you, you'd get just why I can't write "my characters" being that "direct" when they are talking about pivotal affairs. That's just not my nature lol

Anyways, please let me know what you think! You guys are awesome! :)


	7. Gone

_·_

* * *

_You were so full of life,  
__Always smiling and carefree,  
__Life loved you being a part of it,  
__And I loved you being a part of me._

**Gone**

"Still?" Ellie questioned uneasily as she stepped out of her bedroom and reached her sister by the hallway.

"Yep," Sawyer replied quietly twisting her lips just a little. She then just sighed heavily and sat herself on the top step.

"He'd been in there forever." Ellie pointed out as she sat down on the floor right next to her sister. "Do you think he's okay?" She asked genuinely concerned.

Sawyer smiled sadly but shook her head. "No he's not," She replied sincerely. "I just..." Her voice trailed off and she closed her eyes tightly.

Ellie twisted her lips, and instinctively wrapped her arm over her sister's shoulder. "What?" She asked gently.

Sawyer took a deep breath but after just a few seconds opened back her eyes looking right back into Ellie's. "I know he's trying, all right?" She said with a nod Ellie shared. "I just wish he'd try harder." She explained simply with a small shrug of her shoulders. She kissed Ellie's cheek rapidly before standing up from the floor. In all honesty, she was just sick of moping around the house without really doing _something_.

Everybody can complain about their problems, but not everybody can actually _do_ something to fix them.

Sawyer had certainly learned that early on.

"Aunt Brooke's down stairs," She informed Ellie with a soft smile on her face. Ellie smiled back at her and nodded her head. "She said she's gonna stay here until Dad decides to come out of there," She said gesturing with her head towards the closed door.

"What do you think he's doing in there, Saw?" Ellie asked uncertainly as she got up from the steps as well.

Sawyer shook her head at her words slightly. "I don't know...I," She paused shrugging. "I guess he's looking out for her,"

Ellie's face fell for a moment before she sighed. "I think that's the coolest room in this place," She admitted with a faint chuckle her sister matched.

That was what Ellie did, she always had, and Sawyer was glad that she was doing it now. She would always come up with just the right ways to break whatever tension that might have form anywhere. That was '_her thing'_, and Sawyer couldn't help but be glad she hadn't lost it.

"It is," Sawyer agreed simply with a nod. "I'm not saying that is bad that Daddy's in there, it was–" She paused mid-sentence suddenly, gasping and closing her eyes tightly as if cursing herself inwardly. Ellie stared at her fairly confused for a few seconds before Sawyer's eyes fluttered opened again. "_Is_," She corrected strongly. "That _is_ mom's room in the end," She said nodding. "But...I don't know, I just wish he didn't shut us out,"

Looking down to the floor, Ellie let her eyes well up a little with tears, but given she'd decided she was done crying, instead of let her tears fall she shook her head strongly and looked up meeting her sister's eyes. "Me either," She agreed simply at last. "But still, you know how mom did say we shouldn't be surprised, didn't she?" She asked rather casually.

Sawyer's eyes narrowed but she couldn't help but smile at the way Ellie was talking. It seriously felt as if something somehow had washed over her and the broken girl she held to sleep last night had been replaced for an optimist-smiling girl who was trying with all her might to make her mom proud the best way she could.

Not breaking down.

"Did she?" Sawyer asked back somewhat feigning disbelief.

"She did," Ellie replied with a shrug of her shoulders. "She said she and Daddy had that in common...at least when they weren't with each other," She added thoughtfully before actually reaching her point. "She said he had that dumb habit of crawling into his shell until he could figure out what was next..." She explained shrugging once again.

"Well then I honestly _need _him to quit that _stupid _habit," Brooke merely demanded as she walked hurriedly her way up the stairs where the girls were. They were all hurting but that didn't mean life stopped. The contrary actually, he still had two girls and a boy who _needed_ him, and if Brooke was one to do something today; that was pulling him out of whatever darkest he'd buried himself into.

Ellie chuckled but nodded her head slightly before greeting her Aunt with one tight hug. "I agree," She called from Brooke's arms looking in Sawyer's direction who could only smile sadly at them in return.

"Me too," She said with a small nod. "Me too."

_You could make anyone laugh,  
If they were having a bad day,  
No matter how sad I was,  
You could take the hurt away._

With a sad smile, Brooke watched as her nephew ate his breakfast. Took her very little to send the girls to fix themselves up, but by the time she made her way back downstairs, supposedly to make breakfast for everybody, she'd found herself with Maxie already sitting at the counter with a big bowl of cereal in front of him.

Her heart broke a little when he told her he was hungry but didn't want to bother anyone so he decided he could help himself alone. Brooke had smiled at him but told him that wasn't necessary, that he still had _many_ people around him that would look out for him the same way his mom would if she could.

He'd nodded back at her but didn't speak another word.

It felt weird, oddly surreal for Brooke, it wasn't even nine in the morning, yet her stomach had already dropped more times that she could count. A part of her wanted, and so badly, to go home and curled up in a ball, and…simply _cry_.

Then again, a bigger part of her _needed_ to be there for some reason. It was as if she was being drawn there by something...or someone.

"Hey,"

The voice, although it was rather quiet, made both her head and Maxie's to fly towards the kitchen door with nothing short of startled faces.

Shaking a bit her head Brooke then softened her features and almost smiled...one reason or the other she didn't manage to form it properly though. "Hey," She said back softly.

Haley smiled apologetically as she walked her way round the counter. She dropped a fond kiss to Max's head before she pronounced another word. "I didn't know if I should come, but I just..."

"Had to?" Brooke tried her best guess and nodded her head when Haley did so too. "Yeah, I know, me too," She stated solemnly.

"Where's...?" Haley drawled out not wanting to say anything to disturb the quiet little boy by the counter. Any other day, or actually, in what felt now as another lifetime, Max would be already tugging at her pants asking her endlessly for Sara and for his cousin Jack and the team, or James and New York, but now he was quiet… he hardly flinched when she kissed him.

That especially broke her heart.

"Still upstairs," Brooke replied simply trying to remain cryptic as well. She felt she couldn't genuinely hold Lucas accountable for his actions, she understood where he was coming. However, one thing was her, Sawyer, or Ellie, they could understand, but then there was still Maxie; the boy wasn't even eight-years-old yet, and there was simply no way in hell he could understand why his father had been locked up in his mother's studio for almost two whole days now.

He was a boy, and he _needed_ his dad, Lucas should know better than to let him alone to deal with the same loss he couldn't even deal with himself and he was older.

"I don't know what I should tell him," Haley admitted painfully shaking her head a little. She'd try to be there for him, of course she had. Since the very moment Peyton was admitted into the hospital she hadn't do anything other than try her best to remain strong and help Lucas and the kids through everything. But there was just so much she could do, and she'd reached that point already. She'd tried remaining in silence next to him, give him comfort that way...It didn't work out. She'd tried talking to him, telling him how although things didn't seem all right now, time would make them again...That didn't work out either.

Both times, he stood up and left her alone with her silence or her words. She didn't know what she needed herself to feel better after everything that had happened in the last few days, let alone what Lucas needed, she only knew she wanted to know.

As Brooke opened her mouth to speak, Maxie plopping down from his stool with his bowl in his hands, stopped her from pronouncing a word. It was as if he was in his own little world, wordlessly he walked towards the sink and put his now empty bowl there. He didn't say anything, or even looked over at any of the women; he simply exited the kitchen and headed upstairs with his head ducked, and his shoulders low.

"He's..."

"Not okay," Brooke filled in solemnly for Haley.

"Maybe..." Haley spoke again softly. "Maybe I should take him with me, you know? For a few days, just until everything settles down somehow?" She tried uneasily.

Brooke looked at her eyes for a few seconds before shaking her head. "I think we're gonna need more than a just a '_few days'_ before this all...settles," She explained sorrowfully. "But, I honestly don't think he'll be too keen in leaving now… I think he needs this place."

_Nothing could every stop you,  
Or even make you fall,  
You were ready to take on the world,  
Ready to do it all._

"You're good, and you know it," Haley mused strongly, entering the dark room her niece was in.

"I don't know about that," Ellie said quietly, turning her head so that she was facing Haley. "You can use it if you want to," She offered with a small shrug, gesturing to the empty space beside her.

Haley took her up on the offer, and sat herself next to Ellie in front of the piano. "How long has it been?" She asked as her fingers traced delicately over the keys. No sound was made but it still brought her comfort for some reason.

"Not that long," Ellie said shrugging slightly. Haley turned her eyes from the piano to her face and Ellie _had_ to smile sheepishly at her Aunt. She knew exactly how long it had been. "Two years," She said quietly. "A little bit more than that,"

"You know why?" Haley asked just as quietly. Being the mom for a long time of only two boys–_certainly deaf for music_– helped her grown to be okay with the idea of being the only one in her house who could make a melody sound nice. Yet, she'd seen in Ellie early on that same spark she'd felt on herself once upon a time when a lone piano was her solace.

"Not really," Ellie said shaking her head just a bit. "Not anymore anyway,"

Haley's eyes narrowed slightly but if that girl before her wanted to talk, it was going to be at her own time and terms.

Haley knew better than to push her.

"Mom always said it mattered, you know?" Ellie began just a few seconds later. Her eyes were fixed on Haley, and although the room was dark, she could clearly see the girl's eyes sparkling with unshed tears. "She said that whatever I did, that whatever passionate me mattered...mattered for me, mattered to her, that it simply _mattered._ But...I don't know, once she got sick I just didn't see the point anymore. I came in here and played because it made me feel better about whatever I was going through at the time. I liked it because it always did the trick and warmed me inside. I could shut out the world and just be me in here but...the day I couldn't find that peace anymore I stopped coming. It stop mattering, I didn't care what mom had to say about..."

"And do you care now?" Haley interrupted softly. She didn't want to snoop more than she should in the girl's life, but from the day she had found Ellie sitting behind the piano, just staring at it, with both her hands glued to her lap, she'd felt something. A connection with her, maybe. Jamie had learned how to play the piano, Jack had, even Sawyer and both Brooke girls had. But with Ellie, it had always been different. All the other kids hovered over the piano and loved to play random notes just because it was fun. It didn't matter if it didn't sound nicely, or if they weren't being careful enough with the piano, they just wanted to play. With Ellie…she'd wanted to _learn_. She'd asked everything about it, she'd been amazed the first time her finger pressed a key and a note lingered in the air. She hadn't been there just to play, she'd always been searching for something more.

Something she'd lost somehow in the course of the last couple of years.

Haley would be lying to herself if she'd say she didn't hope that girl would find it again.

"I...I don't know, I mean...I do, of course I do...I cared then, I just...," Ellie rambled on brokenly at last but shaking her head a bit she let her sentence trail off for a moment. "You know, it's weird the things you miss. I just…it's quiet _all_ the time. Day...night. Everything here now is like plagued with a quietness I hate. Mom...well, she wasn't always the first one up, but she was _always _the last one down, and... I miss the way she would make her way down the stairs every morning grumbling how days shouldn't start until at least past nine am. Or how at night, _every_ night, she'd come inside my bedroom after I had supposedly drift off to sleep already, and she'd simply stand by the doorway for a few minutes, just as if making sure I was okay. I miss that, and I...I just _hate_ the quiet," She confessed closing her eyes tightly when her voice cracked and she felt the sting of tears in her eyes one more time.

Haley sighed but did her best to keep her emotions in check. She placed her hand over Ellie's back and started rubbing small circles as in support. "You came here to fill the silence?" She asked looking down at Ellie's face.

"I guess so,"

_God decided he needed you.  
So from this world you left...  
You took a piece of all of us.  
Our hearts are what you kept._

"You need to get out," Lucas warned as firmly as he could sound. "Get out," He repeated; a little bit angrier this time around if that were even possible.

"I'm not going anywhere," Brooke stated back just as firmly. "_You_ are the one that need to get out of here," She said looking at him right in the eye, and not letting his broken look make her waver. She _needed_ to take him out even if he didn't know yet that was what he needed as well.

"You..." Lucas began again softening his voice and sitting at the edge of one of the couches. "Look, I don't want to be rude, but...I just want to be alone, I, I don't need this," He drawled out looking at the scattered pencils over the table below.

Brooke took a deep breath calming herself a little too and after a beat sat herself next to Lucas on the couch. "I think you do," She stated quietly. "I...I actually can imagine what you are going through right now. I do, I do," She repeated turning his face to look at her with her hands. "I do. You weren't the only one who lost her, outside that door there are three children who miss her and need her just as much as you do. And the truth is that none of us can't go anymore to her for advice or comfort or anything because she...Because she's not here, but _you_ are. And I just think you are forgetting that unlike her, you are still here, and _they_ are still here. They still have you, the same way you have them. You...You gotta lean on them, and on us. We are not going anywhere, but you just gotta let us help you, okay?"

Lucas stared at her for a few moments before getting back on his feet. "You sound just like her," He said rather bitterly taking Brooke completely aback.

"What?" She asked shaking her head a little.

"Peyton," Lucas repeated turning so that he was seeing into Brooke's eyes. "She said I was going to be okay, that we were going to be okay without her because I still got them–"

"And do you think she was wrong?" Brooke interrupted getting a little angry herself now too. "You are honestly going to tell me Lucas that your hurting is any bigger than theirs? Are–"

"Get out Brooke," Lucas ordered coldly stepping right in front of her. "I honestly don't give a damn what you have to say right now. And I definitely don't need you here telling me what to do and what is that that I supposedly need. You know, you are right, Peyton's gone, and from where I see it, _she_ was the one who was your friend, she's not here anymore, you got nothing to do in this house."

"Dad..."

_I can't seem to stop asking the question why?  
Nothing will ever be the same._

Lucas looked over at the door for a moment before closing his eyes tightly. He shook his head a few times before he stepped aside allowing Brooke to move away from the corner that he'd unconsciously closed her on.

"Sawyer," Lucas tried quietly feeling suddenly a hell of a lot more worse than what he felt before.

"No," She stopped him firmly still by the doorway. Before she spoke again, she sent a look in her Aunt's direction, and although Brooke wasn't sure at all about leaving them alone, she obliged her niece's wishes and stepped out of the room.

Sawyer stayed quiet for some good minutes after Brooke had already closed the door behind her. She walked a few steps forward and took one of the many sketchpads that were in the room, and sat down placing it on her lap. "You are not the only one that misses her," She said so quietly that Lucas almost missed it, but he didn't, and the guilt he felt washing all over his body was merely unbearable.

"I know," He said huskily from the opposite corner of the room. He found it hard enough to even form those words, but although he wanted, he couldn't find in himself the might to look at his daughter.

"You know how she said things had to get worse before they get better?" Sawyer asked thoughtfully into the air and Lucas had to chuckle incredulously.

"I do," He replied at last, and Sawyer simply nodded as she flipped slowly the pages filled with her mom's drawings.

"I think she was right, you know?" She said softly looking up at Lucas who'd turned slightly. "I don't think we are going to be okay overnight, but I do believe things are going to get better whether we see it now or not," She said so seriously that Lucas found it hard to believe that it was his daughter, _his little girl_ the one who was talking to him like that.

Despite everything, in spite of himself even, he felt proud.

"I'm not sure about that," He said quietly anyway, as he walked his way to the couch Sawyer was sitting at, and sat himself beside her. "But I know that I am sorry," He admitted sorrowfully placing his hand over her knee. "I shouldn't have yelled at your Aunt, and…I know I should be there for you guys, I just..."

"What?" Sawyer asked slightly exasperated when his voice faded. "Do you?" She asked harshly taking him aback.

"Do I what?" Lucas asked back clearly confused at her questioning.

"What Aunt Brooke asked you," Sawyer elaborated. "Do you _really_ think that in some odd way you miss her more than we do? That the fact that she's gone hurts you more than it does to us? She...She was _our_ mom, dad,"

Lucas ducked his head but managed to shake it once. "I don't," He muttered, and Sawyer simply nodded slightly.

"Then what is it?" She asked with a sigh.

_When you left this world,  
A small part of me died.  
Your smile could brighten anyone's day,  
No matter what they were going through,_

Took Lucas a couple of minutes to reply, but at last he looked up at her eyes and shrugged. "I don't know how to go on without her. I, I actually thought I could, you know? I promised her so," He said, but paused taking a deep breath. "But I don't know _how_. I...Your mom, I don't know what I am supposed to do here without her."

"You think–" Sawyer said but her voice cracked. She waited a moment; just enough for her to get control over her emotions again. She looked up at him as a lone tear tracked down her face. "You think _I_ do?" Her voice was still rather low and brittle; it cracked off again at the end of her sentence.

Lucas then also waited a moment after that; as though sinking in her words. But without missing yet another beat, or without really thinking, Lucas wrapped his arm around her small frame, and pulled her tightly closer to his body. He hadn't hold her like that in what seemed forever, and although part of what he felt was comforting, another part, a bigger part couldn't help but feel the largest rush of guilt.

He wouldn't have known she was crying until her body started shaking underneath his arms. He held her even tighter but didn't pronounce a word. Maybe it wasn't needed. Maybe all she needed was to let go.

"I know you don't, baby," Lucas replied at last as her sobbing died down slightly. He pulled her away from his arms just a little so that he was seeing her face. It didn't matter if she was twenty-tree, forty, or sixty-years-old, he would always see in her the same baby he held once upon a time when looking into her icy-blue eyes. The tears that stained her cheeks literally killed him inside; trying to wipe them away was more like an instinct than something he wanted to do.

He wished it were that easy though; it only took from him to brush his thumb against her flushed cheek to make the tears go away. If only he could do the same with the pain he knew she was feeling, and with the pain he was well aware he was feeling himself too.

However, deep down he knew that was not possible, and hating the fact was the most Lucas could do about it at that moment.

"They need you," Sawyer said softly breaking the silence that had settled between her and her father. "_I_ need you," She added biting uneasily her bottom lip.

Lucas nodded fighting back the tears that so strongly wanted to escape his own eyes as well. "I do too, honey," He said tenderly before pulling her back into his arms.

Sawyer obliged and nestled deeply into his dad's embrace. All the time in the world could pass by; she could be married and with a little boy of her own, but the feeling of safeness she'd always feel when being in Lucas' arms, was something anything, or anyone could ever take away from her.

It felt the same as when he'd put a princess band-aid on her scratched knee when she was little.

She could only wish he could find something as simple as a pinky band-aid to make things all right for her…and Ellie, and Maxie again.

If only.

"You should come out now." Sawyer said looking up at her dad, pleading with her eyes.

Lucas nodded his head, but just when she was about to stand up he held her arm strongly before she could. "Just...Stay with me for a little while longer. Let...Let me hold you, all right?"

Sawyer stared into his eyes for a few seconds before offering him a sad smile and nodding. "Thank you, Daddy,"

_I know every day for the rest of my life,  
I'll be missing you.__.._

* * *

**AN : **What do you think? We're back to present time, and got a little bit of the others as well this time. I hope you had like it. More has to happen & at the same time, more flashbacks would too.

&, if you are reading _"Always on Your Side"_ as well, I _do_ need to apologize for not having the update ready to that fic yet.  
Truth be told, I'm going through the motions with that story – _just_ hit the 10.000+ words mark in the epilogue (& haven't finish!), so yeah, I'm gonna need a little more time till I decide for sure what I'm gonna do with the story overall, but I promise I'll do my best so an update is up sooner rather than later. Huge shoutout to Joann, who's a LIFESAVER & actually she's the one who got me writing all these exciting new things to "Always On Your Side" so yep, hopefully you'd be reading that soon enough hehe!

Thank you all so much you all for reading again :)


	8. Innocence

**Author's Note :** **UPDATE!** I have to say I am actually happy with this one– that doesn't happen too often, but, to be honest, with this story what keeps me writing more often than not are _this_ kind of chapters. We all know how everything ended, but not because of that, it means they didn't have good times once too. This one is a _flashback_ chapter completely. Filled actually with the kind of fluff I _really_ enjoy writing, so hopefully you'll enjoy reading it too. Thank you SO much again for the constant support to this story!

I hope you enjoy this one.

* * *

_Sharing love always, for true love knows no end.  
The more love you give, the more love you get._

**Innocence **

"Crappy day!" Ellie sang maybe a little too cheerfully as she entered her home.

Peyton looked up at her puzzled from the sofa, and in spite of herself, she _had_ to smile at her daughter. "Yours?" She asked, knowing better by the smile on her face that she wasn't the one who was having a '_crappy day'_.

"Nope…Sawyer's," Ellie replied helplessly, shaking her head a little in her mom's direction. After a moment, she turned around to look at the door where Sawyer was just entering, and then shrugged her shoulders dramatically looking back at Peyton. "I'll be in the kitchen," She informed casually as she walked out of the living room.

Peyton smiled looking at Ellie, but then frowned slightly as Sawyer made her way to her at the couch. "Crappy day?" She asked unable to hide the smile on her face. It wasn't as if she wasn't worried for her daughter, she was, she hated that gloom she was seeing sparkling on her eyes, but it wasn't lost on _anyone_– let alone Peyton_,_ how Sawyer could be a little _too_ dramatic for her own sake every once in a while.

Peyton could bet money her '_problem_' wasn't half as big as her face was trying to sell.

At the question, Sawyer then just squinted her eyes as she stared oddly into her mom's eyes for a few seconds before sighing heavily. "Why do guys have to be such jerks?_!_" She asked exasperatedly, before plopping herself down on the couch.

Peyton would have laugh at the irony if only Sawyer didn't look so serious. "Are you going to make me ask you what happened?" She asked back instead of responding a question she honestly couldn't find the words to answer even now.

Sawyer looked at her mom uneasily for a little while before her features softened, and she leaned in resting her head on Peyton's lap.

Peyton scoffed just a little at her dramatism, but instinctively slipped gently her fingers into Sawyer's curls. "Did you fight with William?" She asked cautiously. She wasn't being nosey, Sawyer wanted to talk, Peyton did know that much.

"No," Sawyer replied softly. She hesitated a bit, but after a beat turned in Peyton's lap so that she was meeting her eyes. "Not at first anyway," She added with a sheepish smile Peyton had to smile at as well.

"Then what happened?" She asked giving Sawyer a knowing look.

"The dance," Sawyer said twisting a little her lips. Peyton on the other hand, didn't hesitate one second in nodding strongly. She had been listening about the infamous dance for _weeks_ now, so it really was hard for her not to remember about it. "Well…You know I was going with Will," Sawyer continued.

"You're not anymore?" Peyton asked softly, and her voice actually carrying some concern. That was actually the part she enjoyed the most to hear. It was heartwarming how happy Sawyer sounded _every time_ she talked about going especially with _him_ to the dance.

"I don't think so," Sawyer replied uneasily. Peyton frowned at her words, and the girl _had_ to shift her eyes away from her mom's at that. "I kinda yelled to his face that I didn't want to go anywhere with a guy like _him_," She confessed before Peyton pushed away a little from her, and Sawyer was forced to sit up properly on the couch.

Her eyes were still down, and she honestly couldn't find in herself to look up at her mom.

"Why did you do that?" Peyton asked, gently lifting her chin up with her forefinger.

"I was just trying to make a point, but I didn't exactly mean it," Sawyer said with a small shrug of her shoulders. "He…I mean, I _did_ mean it, I just wasn't talking about him precisely, but guys like him...ugh, mom, I don't know!" She cried out burying her face on her hands.

Peyton smiled just a little bit placing her hand on Sawyer's back, and pulling her closer to her side one more time. "Why don't you start from the beginning kiddo?" She offered, brushing a few unruly curls away from Sawyer's face.

She thought for a few seconds, but then nodded with a small smile tugging on her lips. "You remember Allison Burke?"

"Yeah," Peyton replied thoughtfully. "You don't like her," She added knowingly.

"I actually kinda hate her," Sawyer corrected pointedly and both of them had to chuckle. In fact, Peyton wasn't really too fond on that girl either.

"Anyway," Sawyer said shrugging as their chuckles died down slightly. "She...There's this boy, Matt, they were going together to the dance, and... I mean, I really didn't care, I don't, but...Then there was also this dare going on or something, he supposedly _had_ to invite her, make her say '_yes_' to him, and then two days before the dance tell her '_oh, yeah, I guess I was wrong, it's better if we don't go together'_ What's up with that mom? They just planned the whole thing so he could ditch her just because, I...I just don't think that was fair,"

Peyton could only nod at Sawyer's words although she was still a little confused as of the 'W_hy_' she'd ended up involved in the whole deal. "I don't think it was fair either," She agreed simply. "And at the risk of you yelling at me too, may I ask why did you and William end up fighting because of that?"

Sawyer rolled her eyes looking up frustrated. "_Because!_" She said somewhat angrily. "I'm going out with _him_, and I like him, because I do mom, I really really do, but he, he's...He is older than me, and I've seen them together, he's friends with that Matt guy and..."

"Hey," Peyton called up placing her hand on Sawyer's thigh. "First of all," She said soothingly. "You're kind of rambling kid," She informed, and chuckled when Sawyer looked away rolling her eyes. "Now, you know William since you were like…five, he's a good boy and you know that. He would never do something like that to you," She said softly, and smiled when Sawyer nodded her head.

"I know that," She admitted quietly. "I was just _so_ angry. And he was actually defending those guys,"

"He was?" Peyton asked fairly incredulously. She had actually known the boy ever since they moved into that house and he had always been nothing short of a mini-gentleman when it was about her girls. She had actually always thought well of him. Even more-so when he started dating for real –not just pretend, one of her daughters, and seemingly, made her as happy as she could be.

"Not really," Sawyer confessed sheepishly after a moment. "But he _did_ tell me that I was overreacting. That why was I so upset when I didn't even like Allison,"

"And that was not a fair question?" Peyton asked raising her eyebrows.

"No," Sawyer cried out defensively. "I don't care if she's the biggest bitch–"

"Sawyer!" Peyton interrupted strongly, widening her eyes at her daughter's sudden manners.

"What?" She asked back instead, narrowing her eyes. "She is," She stated firmly.

Peyton sighed and rolled her eyes just a bit. She was ultimately kind of right, she'd heard about that girl, and not that many good things. "Whatever," She settled shaking her head.

"Anyway," Sawyer called pointedly not missing a beat. "She can be whatever she is, but that still doesn't mean they can mock her in front of the whole school only because they want to. That...That simply wasn't right."

"It wasn't," Peyton agreed with a nod of her head. "So what are you gonna do? Start bitching–"

"Mom!" Sawyer interrupted fighting back the smile that was tugging on her lips.

"What?" Peyton asked back smirking, and laughed when Sawyer smiled rolling her eyes. "Anyway," She said simply after a beat only half-seriously. "Are you seriously gonna come here to your _mom_ and pout about it, kid?"

"No," Sawyer replied far too quietly, her eyes narrowed and meeting Peyton's only slightly. "I should do something,"

Nodding playfully her head Peyton managed to offer her girl the most understanding of smiles. "If you ask me I think you should start with William,"

"William? Why him?" Sawyer asked squinting her eyes.

"Why?" Peyton asked back incredulously. "He's your boyfriend kid, and from where I'm seeing it, you yelled at him for no reason. So I'm sure, _'I'm sorry'_ wouldn't go wrong," She said giving Sawyer a knowing look.

The girl nodded, and took a deep breath. "What about Allison, what do you think I should do...Or actually, should I actually _do_ something?" She asked rather uncertainly.

"You think you can do something?" Peyton asked back softly, offering Sawyer a small smile.

"Yeah, I guess so," She replied shrugging her shoulders. "I could talk to her, it's not as if it is the end of the world anyway,"

"You are a good girl Sawyer Scott, you know that?" Peyton asked squishing her nose up playfully.

Sawyer smiled at her, but shook her head. "I'm not, I'm just a sucker most of the time," She said, her voice carrying a good amount of annoyance. "But thank you anyway mom," She said sweetly as she leaned in closer to Peyton, and wrapped both her arms around her mom's frame.

"For what baby?" Peyton asked quietly, looking down smiling at her.

"Just for listen I guess," Sawyer said simply before dropping one kiss on Peyton's cheek and letting go of her. "You're not all that bad at this, you know?" She said playfully as she began standing up from the couch.

"At what?" Peyton asked confused, and narrowing her eyes a bit.

"At the '_mom'_ thing," Sawyer replied matter-of-factly, before running her way up the stairs. "I gotta go call Will!" She shouted goofily from the stairs.

Peyton stayed put at the couch smiling to herself, before she heard Ellie re-entering the living room and she simply had to let out a chuckle at the girl.

"Is she done whining yet?" Ellie asked with her mouth full of cereal.

Before taking a seat on the couch next to Peyton, Ellie gestured her mom to the bowl of cereal she was holding in her hands. Peyton looked away from it shaking her head rather disgustedly, and Ellie simply sighed dramatically. "Whatever, I think it's good," She said jokingly before actually sitting down. "So?" She asked again with her eyebrows raised.

"She's okay now," Peyton assured her daughter with a nod of her head. "It just..."

"Yeah, I don't think it was all that fair either with that Allison girl. But if you are asking me, not that you are, but still…I know she's done worst, so maybe it's not that bad she tastes a little how it feels, don't you think?" Ellie asked casually leaning back on the couch.

Peyton smiled and nodded. She simply couldn't do anything else. Ellie had turned eleven hardly a month ago, yet sometimes when she spoke, she surely sounded like quite an experienced old lady. "Maybe sweetie," Peyton replied softly.

At her words, Ellie's eyebrows knitted curiously, and she began staring oddly at her mom.

"What?" Peyton asked defensively.

"You are _really_ her mother, aren't you?" Ellie stated wide-eyed. After a beat she added, "Or actually, _she _really is your daughter," She said shaking her head goofily from side to side.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Peyton asked clearly confused, as she took the empty bowl from Ellie's hands, and placed it on the coffee table before them.

"_You_ are brooding about something too and now _I'm_ supposed to get it out from you just like I had to do with Sawyer in the car ride home," Ellie said feigning dejectedness. "Would you care in just telling me what's up? I used all my best stuff with your daughter already," She said so seriously Peyton couldn't help but laugh.

_We are all born with a wide-eyed innocence.  
Believing everyone is honest, having no pretence._

"You shouldn't even be home too early," Ellie continued when her mom apparently was left with no words. "What's up, huh?" She asked with a smile, and kinking her brows playfully. "You couldn't have got fired... obviously," She tried upon her mom's persistent silence. "Maybe you fought with Aunt Haley, or...Did you fight with Daddy?" She asked widening her eyes once again and turning her face to look right into her mom's eyes at last.

Peyton shook her head rolling her eyes dramatically. "_No_," She said decisively. "I honestly have no idea what you are talking about, Ellie!" She cried out before taking back the bowl in her hands and standing up from the couch.

Ellie's jaw dropped indignantly when Peyton started walking in the kitchen's direction without giving her a proper answer. "You know I know you, right?" Ellie cried after her mom, as she _also _stood up from the couch and walked behind her. "Daddy always says so; you are an open book Peyton Sawyer." She stated but actually regretted her words when Peyton turned around at last and glared at her.

"What? You are mom." Ellie fought back anyway, trying with all her might to ignore her mom's attempts to shrug off whatever that was in her mind. "And you know it." She added rather firmly.

"Ellie," Peyton called, turning from the sink again so that she was facing her _very_ insisting daughter.

The worst part of it all was that she shouldn't be surprised. Ellie wasn't lying, Lucas would always say the same thing, and now Peyton was actually starting to believe it. "Don't you have any homework?" She tried but all her question did was cause a scoff from Ellie.

"I'm not going anywhere until you talk," She stated taking a seat across from Peyton in the counter. "You can't fool me mom," She said shrugging her shoulders helplessly. Peyton could say whatever she wanted, but she knew her.

She always had.

"Ellie, look at me," Peyton said once again, actually trying to sound as serious as she could sound in spite of the circumstances.

Ellie looked up rolling her eyes but return her gaze to her mom in just a few seconds. "Okay," She replied huffing heavily and resting both her elbows on the counter.

"You gotta stop this," Peyton all but ordered leaning in on the counter so that she was closer to the girl. "I'm fine; I did _not _fight with anyone, most certainly _not_ your Dad, not your Aunt Haley, not anybody. I'm okay," She said firmly with a nod of her head. "You know I actually appreciate you care for your momma, and wanna know what's bothering me, but I promise you, I'm fine, got it?" She said now softening a little her voice. "I just gotta figure out some stuff out, sweetie," She finished as she leaned forward, and brushed her nose softly against Ellie's.

Ellie remained quiet for a moment just staring into her mom's eyes, but then after a beat she nodded her head. "Okay," She said simply and Peyton inwardly sighed. "I still don't get it though," She called again and Peyton _had_ to roll her eyes.

Did she really think it was going to be that easy?

She was talking to Ellie in the end. The girl was all _but_ easy.

"What's that, Elle?" Peyton asked giving up helplessly at being interrogated by the girl.

"You mom," Ellie began explaining. "You and Sawyer actually; but still more you. She's after all fifteen, and in High School, she has stuff to deal with, I guess. But you...I mean you too, I'm not saying you don't, but I still think you got yourself a pretty decent life and so there's really not an actual reason for you being brooding around the house," She said strongly, and Peyton's eyes actually widened at her boldness.

"If you look carefully, we pretty much have a family out of one of those cheesy typical American paintings. Not that I'm amused with the fact all the time, but still...The house with the white picket fence, the loved-up parents, and of course, the beautiful children." Ellie explained, but paused for a moment thoughtfully. "Well, I guess since it's just Sawyer and me, we are lacking of the point-five kid, but I don't think you and Daddy would have any problem fixing that, would you? Is not as if you are _that _old," She stated with a chuckle, but then she had to go back to her serious mode when her mom nearly turned red coughing.

"You okay?" Ellie asked, her voice actually carrying concern, as she walked round the counter and reached her mom. She placed her hand on her back, and started stroking it a little.

Peyton couldn't help but shake her head slightly as she looked up at Ellie. She actually looked worried. "I, I'm fine," She replied at last catching her breath back.

"Gee! But what did I say?" Ellie called out when her mom's colors where starting to go back to normal. "I was just ––Oh! Ohhh!" She said goofily, covering her mouth with both her hands. Peyton glared in her direction but she honestly couldn't care any less. "I know what I said!" She stated giggling but not causing one bit of amusement on her mom.

"God, mom you're–"

"Don't say it," Peyton warned firmly, staring strongly into Ellie's eyes.

Ellie opened her mouth to speak but closed it again stepping back a little. She bit playfully her lower lip in an attempt to kill her smile. "Are you...?" She asked actually serious for the first time that day.

Peyton's first instinct was to shake her head at the question, but the moment Ellie's eyes went wide at her motion, she stopped.

She'd never lied to them. Certainly, she wasn't starting now.

"Yeah," She admitted softly at last.

If Ellie hadn't been so close to her, she'd probably miss it, but she didn't and clapping and squealing were the two things she could think of do at Peyton's word.

She stopped her cheering only a few seconds later though, and simply kept looking firmly in Peyton's direction. "Whoa," Ellie breathed in actual awe and Peyton simply had to smile.

"Yeah," She agreed with a faint chuckle.

Silence settled between the two of them for another moment; Ellie looking down at her feet with a goofy smile tugging at the corners of her lips, and Peyton looking up and down her daughter's small frame.

"You're having a baby," Ellie stated with a smile, before she looked up back at her mom's eyes, and without really a warning, she went back to squealing as she threw her arms strongly around her mom's neck.

Peyton let out a chuckle, and simply held her back just as tightly.

_Love is a word so often used.  
Trust is a feeling that should not be abused._

"What did Daddy say? And why hadn't you told us? I literally had to pull the words out of you," Ellie began rambling as she pulled away from Peyton and the two of them sat behind the counter.

"And if it was supposed to be a secret," She continued. "You did one heck of an awful job mom. Your face totally sold you out!"

"Your Dad doesn't know yet." Peyton informed quietly, stopping that way Ellie's ramble.

"He doesn't?" She asked genuinely surprised. "How come?" She asked once again with her eyes slightly narrowed.

Peyton waited a beat to reply, but after sighing, she looked up firmly into her daughter's eyes. "I kinda just found out, kiddo," She said so softly Ellie was even puzzled as of '_Why_'.

"And what are you waiting for?" She asked playfully nudging her mom.

Peyton chuckled but shook her head at the same time. "How am I supposed to tell him, _now_?" She stressed somewhat uneasily. "You girls, I..."

"You just do," Ellie interrupted with the easiest of solutions. "Just the same way as when you told him about Sawyer, or me," She said shrugging.

"Actually with you I didn't have to tell him," Peyton said a little apologetically. "You kinda did the job for me,"

"Oh… right." Ellie said thoughtfully with a nod. "What about Sawyer?" She asked again not really caring about the scenario _before_ she was born.

"With her...Your Daddy was in LA, I kinda blurted it out crying over the phone," Peyton informed with a chuckle Ellie genuinely shared.

"Either way I think you need to tell him," Ellie stated seriously, when her chuckles died a bit. "I bet Daddy will be happy," She sang before chuckling again."See, it even rhymed!"

Peyton chuckled and couldn't help but nod her head a little. "You are okay with it?" She asked actually serious for Ellie's surprise.

"Yeah," The girl replied rapidly. "Why wouldn't I be?" She asked back with her eyes wide. "I know Sawyer's not the kid you guys would have wanted, she's certainly not _me,_ but I still don't think we'd turned out so bad," She said jokingly, before bursting into laughter.

Peyton joined her, faintly shaking her head. "I'm just not exactly sure about what's going to happen next–"

"And when have you?" Ellie interrupted pointedly. "It's a baby mom, it's not the end of the world," She said mocking sooth as she placed her hand on her mom's back. "But still…" She began, a little more softly now, and the hint of mock she'd carried all day completely disappearing.

"What was that?" Peyton asked just as softly as she shifted slightly so that she was catching sight of Ellie's eyes into her own.

"It's all okay, right? I mean…you, and…"

"Oh," Peyton interrupted thoughtfully, but then sent a smile in her daughter's direction. "I don't know yet, but I'm sure it all will be okay," She said so confident Ellie somehow _had_ to trust her.

Smiling the girl nodded a little. "But wait? Why don't you know, you went to the doctor already, right?"

"Not really," Peyton replied shaking her head a little bit.

Ellie huffed leaning back on her chair. "Oh, so you're not even sure-sure?" She asked somewhat uneasily.

"Oh, no, believe me, I am," Peyton said with a chuckle as she began standing up.

"You are?" Ellie asked raising her eyebrows playfully.

"I am," Peyton replied decisively already from the sink. "Let's say I checked _quite _a few times, kid."

Ellie chuckled but nodded her head as she stood up as well. "I think I'm okay with it either way," She sang as she placed back both her arms around her mom's neck. "Congratulations," She said so sincerely that Peyton could vividly feel her eyes staring to well up with tears. "I love you," Ellie said at last as she pulled away slowly from her mom's embrace.

"You too bunny," Peyton said sweetly offering Ellie one of the truest smiles she'd given today.

"I think you deserve it though," Ellie called softly.

"What's that?" Peyton asked smiling in her direction.

Ellie twisted her lips a little looking into her eyes, but then shrugged. "A baby without drama," She said sincerely. "You are here, Daddy's here, and Sawyer and I are here too, I think that's pretty nice, right?"

"Yeah," Peyton agreed thoughtfully with a nod. "But hey," She called when Ellie began to walk in the opposite direction. She turned around and shot Peyton a '_What?_' look. "I don't need the whole town knowing…what you know," She chuckled at her own mysteriousness. "At least not until I tell your Daddy, okay?" She said with a nod Ellie matched.

"Of course, mom," Ellie said all too smugly causing Peyton to roll her eyes. "I won't say a word. My lips are…_sealed!_" She stated goofily before marching up the stairs. "It'd better be a boy though!" She called from the stairs and Peyton couldn't help but laugh sincerely. "And tell Daddy! I dunno how much more I can keep my mouth shut!"

_Funny but when you give love away.  
It seems to come back to you, in many wondrous ways._

"Hey you, I didn't think you were coming over today," Lucas said looking up from his desk.

Peyton smiled softly at him, and nodded a little her head. "Your daughter sent me," She informed him with a smirk, but couldn't find in herself the might to move further into the room.

It was a good thing; she honestly shouldn't be feeling _so_ nervous.

"She did, huh?" Lucas asked with a raised brow, as he stood up from his chair upon realizing Peyton wasn't joining him in his desk. "And it didn't have anything to do with _you_ just wanting to come over?" He asked playfully as he reached her, and wrapped his arm strongly around her waist.

"Maybe a little," Peyton said sheepishly, before leaning forward and catching his lips into hers. She remained cuddled in his arms for a good moment, simply taking in the feeling.

"You okay, Blondie?" Lucas asked sweetly looking down at her. "What did Ellie want?"

"How did you know it was she the one who sent me?" Peyton asked playfully, as she pulled away from him so that she was seeing his eyes. "She didn't call you, did she?"

"Nope," Lucas replied with a chuckle. "I just knew," He said shrugging his shoulders. "So?" He asked again kinking his eyebrows. Peyton didn't respond his first question, and Lucas certainly wasn't one to miss it.

"So," Peyton echoed from her spot back by the doorway. She twisted her lips just a bit to one side and Lucas had to chuckle. "I am okay," She assured him at last.

"Okay," Lucas said nodding cautiously. "What's up?"

Peyton took a deep breath but couldn't muffle the chuckle that out of the blue left her throat. "Come here," She ordered sweetly, as she took his hand into her own, and led the way to the couch in his office.

_Love is a gift you give, that receiver's won't forget.  
It is more blessed to give than to receive  
I believe that is how the good book reads._

She made him sit down first, and then she sat herself wrapped around his arms, resting her back against his chest.

"Not that I'm complaining, because God knows I'm _so_ _not_ complaining," Lucas stressed playfully, looking down into her eyes. "But today's Thursday, and Thursdays are your crazy days at the label, and you don't usually come over on your crazy days, and when you _do_ come over, which are days I actually adore by the way, we don't usually do this, so what…"

"You are rambling." Peyton pointed out, shushing him with a giggle.

"I'm rambling," Lucas granted with a giggle of his own. "But still…"

"I said, s_hush_," Peyton called again as she shifted in his arms, and rested her elbows gently over his chest. "You are okay, right? I mean, _you_? You are feeling all right, you took your pills and everything?" She asked actually serious, catching him off guard.

"I have," Lucas replied squinting, and in fact getting a little edgy at her mystery.

"Good," Peyton said nodding and smiling slightly. "I kinda…well, you know Sawyer's birthday?" She asked playfully kinking her eyebrows.

"I do," Lucas replied decisively followed by a chuckle. "The champagne…"

"…The strawberries, the chocolate," Peyton filled in for him mischievously.

"Yup! Yup!" Lucas nodded goofily, before leaning down for a kiss. "Best 15th anniversary _ever_," He stated and she laughed against his lips.

"Agree," Peyton said with a smile waiting a beat to add, "But…You know, now…you…you are kinda having a baby, Lucas Scott," She blurted out softly, and as soon as the words finished leaving her lips she closed her eyes _oh-so _verytightly waiting for him to react.

A few seconds went by as minutes, and when he didn't pronounce a word, Peyton opened her eyes slowly one by one, and smiled coyly in his direction. "Say something," She ordered, but still couldn't stop herself from smiling. "Anything, really. You are starting to freak me out," She said with a giggle upon his silence.

Lucas chuckled at last and brought his eyes up to meet hers. There was a spark in her eyes he couldn't find in himself how to describe it but he still knew he _loved_ it. "You…You're pregnant…? Like…With a baby?" He stuttered, and she honestly couldn't keep laugher at bay.

"Yeah," Peyton said chuckling. "It kinda tends to work that way, you know?" She said as she stood up from the couch, and looked expectantly at him.

"Yeah," Lucas breathed with a faint laugh before looking down at his hands.

"Luke," Peyton called up softly, drawing his attention to herself.

"Yeah," Lucas repeated once again as he looked back up at her eyes. "We are having a baby?" He stated more than what he asked, before chuckling.

Peyton smiled just a bit from her spot, and although he didn't seem to be taking the news all that bad, it didn't seem either as if he was taking them the best of ways.

He'd been stuttering, and chuckling timidly for the better part of their '_conversation_'

"Really?" Lucas asked keenly only a moment later.

"Really," Peyton said with a nod, and actually feeling it real for the first time since the little white stick – or well, since the_ four_ little white sticks turned pink on her.

Lucas held his stare firmly fixed in her eyes for a few seconds, before he looked down again rubbing the back of his neck. "Um…God, I, you…we," He stuttered quietly once again from the couch and she was honestly starting to get nervous again.

At his words, or better yet, at his lack of words Peyton's lips curled up uneasily. "It's crazy, I know," She chimed in apologetically. "I'm sorry, I–"

"Don't. Are you kidding me?" Lucas all but demanded as he stood up from the couch, and placed himself right in front of Peyton with both his hands over her shoulders. "Don't," He warmed softly looking firmly into her eyes. "Just _don't_, okay?" He said again and at that Peyton could only nod smiling a little in his direction. "You...I mean, God, you got _nothing_ to be sorry about, I mean…It's a baby, and it's our baby, and it's you, and it–"

"I love you, too," Peyton said sweetly shushing him as she pressed a tender kiss right to his lips.

Lucas smiled against her lips as she pulled back but it only took him a few seconds to lean back for yet another kiss.

It was indeed crazy but he couldn't help but feel as the luckiest man on earth…once again.

_Promises you make by the words you say.  
Should be guaranteed by you forever and a day._

"So you are okay about it?" Peyton asked softly as they pulled away slightly, and their foreheads rested in each other's. "You are not freaking out?"

At her latest question, Lucas couldn't stop a nervous laugh to escape his throat. "Oh, I am freaking out," He said widening his eyes, and making her chuckle. "But I am also very, _very _okay with it," He reassured her, flashing her his best grin as he took her hand, and sat down back on the couch with her in his lap. "So we are having another baby, what's there not to love about that?" He asked her, as he traced delicately her lips with his forefinger.

Peyton smiled against his touch and nodded. "I'm a little scared, though," She admitted looking down at her feet, and twisting a little her lips.

Lucas would have frown at any other time, but this time around, he chose to smile instead. Gently, he lifted her face up tucking his forefinger under her chin. "Why?" He said back simply with a shrug. "It's not as if the girls turned out all that bad," He said with a chuckle she sincerely shared.

"It's not that," Peyton said softly a few seconds later. "I just...We'll be okay, right? It's…It's just a baby," She said hopefully but at her words, Lucas shook his head. "What?" She asked _slightly _pouting.

"It is not '_just' _a baby," Lucas replied softly, tapping the tip of her nose sweetly. "It's _our _baby."

* * *

_It all began with innocence, eyes open wide.  
Let's go back once again, and give it another try__._

* * *

**AN: **What do you think? Next chapter things aren't going to be as pretty as they were here, even though it is partly a flashback too, so I dunno, I just _really_ hope you'd enjoy the fluff and how things happened with Maxie once upon a time.

I personally don't know anyone with early-mid-40s _"accident"_ babies, but one of my best friends is one of those babies, so I to be honest, this one was really just one of those chapter that were so much fun to write. Let me know what you think!** =)**


	9. Miracle

**Author's Note : **New Chapter! It was still kind of a hard chapter to write and also to re-read later on. You'd read why in a while. It's kinda fickle and all over the place. The pace between past & present changes constantly so just be aware of that. To be honest however, I really do like writing like this and I'm just figuring that out. I like having more than one time-line, and even when I understand it can't be too easy to read a story like that, I've always been fond of throwing the past into the present, because seriously, our past is most of the times the reason behind our present, so yes, I hope you actually like the way I'm telling this story. And like always, flashbacks in Italics.

Let me know what you think, and well...I hope you like it. **:)**

* * *

|_ Tell my stories to the ones I love,  
And hide my fears from those I don't. |_

**Miracle**

"I think it is okay to be angry at her…"

"_You are not going anywhere," Lucas stated as serious as he had ever heard himself be with her. She was being stubborn, and although he knew where she was coming, there was no chance in hell he'd let her go out in the middle of the night right now._

"_You–"_

"_Don't," Lucas interrupted her mid-sentence. "I don't care what you are going to say, I honestly don't." He said decisively, shaking his head."I care about Max just as much as I care about you, so...just don't. Don't tell me something I already know. Nate's outside already, and so are the boys. I can stay here all night and wait with you if that's what you want."_

"_Luke," Peyton pleaded closing her eyes tightly, as they started welling up with hot tears again that day. "I just...I,"_

_Lucas sighed heavily when her hands flew to her face and teardrops started falling down to her cheeks. Closing his own eyes for a moment, he tried once again to convince himself that he was doing the right thing, because in reality he was. Neither one of them could see that clearly at the moment, but he was. "Peyton I'm sorry," He said softly as he stood up from their bed, and walked a few steps forward reaching her. "I'm sorry, all right?" He called again, as he dragged her strongly into his arms. He rested his chin on the top of her head, and simply listened for a moment as she let go of everything then and there in his arms. "He's going to be okay,"_

"_You don't know that," Peyton argued weakly pulling away from his arms. "You don't know that, and you are not doing anything and you are not letting __me__ do something either," She cried looking right into his eyes with such hurt that Lucas was finding it hard to keep it together._

_He had to do it anyway; he didn't have such luxury as to break down now._

_He couldn't do that to her...he couldn't do that to their boy._

_It had been one hell of a long day, a terrible day at that, and what happened had been just the last straw that broke her down._

_Lucas knew how he would give __anything__ to take her away from all the pain she was going through in that moment._

"_I would be doing something if only you'd let me," Lucas stated a moment later, and tried to ignore with all his might the hurt on her face as he said the words._

_He wasn't lying though. He couldn't go out and just let her that way. He needed to make sure she was going to be okay, and calm before he could even begin to start worrying even more about Max._

"_It's not–"_

"_I'm not going anywhere until you promise me you are staying here with the girls," Lucas cut her short again, but he honestly couldn't care. He needed her to understand._

_Peyton stared firmly into his eyes biting strongly her bottom lip before she swallowed hard and nodded her head sharply. "Fine," She said sternly, nodding her head in rapid jerks. "Fine," She repeated angrily before walking past him and entering the bathroom slamming shut the door behind her._

_He could clearly hear her heavy breathing through the door and although he knew just how much this was killing her, it killed him more seeing her going through so much after everything that had happened that day._

_She genuinely didn't deserve such sorrow._

_Not her._

_|All our innocence is gone,  
and if you like, I'll take the blame,  
for all the things that you have done.|_

"I'm not mad at her," Lucas explained rather decisively taking Haley maybe a little aback.

He had come downstairs with Sawyer that morning and actually had breakfast with the girls and Brooke, and Haley. He'd been quiet the whole time though. Not a real word left his lips, but only nods and '_Mmm-hmms' _but it had at least being a start_._

Almost immediately as noises of the front door opening startled them all in the kitchen, he'd gone to the back of the house though.

Before stepping out he had still pressed two, long, fond kisses on both Sawyer's and Ellie's foreheads. The girls had smiled slightly and both Brooke and Haley had to do so too.

It wasn't anything big, but it still was _something_.

"Then I don't think you should be mad at yourself either," Haley stated softly as she took a seat next to him on the porch stairs. "Nothing of this was your fault; I really think you should understand that." She stated firmly as she searched for his eyes, and then…

A nod.

A small, faint nod was all she got in response.

She knew she shouldn't be surprised, but it was all simply becoming too much once again. In the course of three years, less than that actually, everything had gotten simply so _wrong_. Things had been all right one moment, and then the other they simply had been wrong.

She knew that if she could ask someone or something for a wish, it'd be to bring her back, to take the pain away, not only from Lucas' heart but also from all of them...from hers.

"Sh-she was everything, Haley." Lucas said at last with a sigh. He buried his face on his hands shaking it slightly. "And she promised, she said...she–"

"I know," Haley called softly, pulling him to her side. She wrapped her arms around his body and simply held him for the time being.

There might not be all that many things she could do for him, but in any case, she could still try.

His body was shaking a bit against hers, and she knew he was trying with all his might to remain strong, and not break down, but deep inside, for some reason she actually wished he did.

He'd lost her. He had lost the one person he'd love more than life itself. He'd lost the person that had given meaning to his life once upon a time when quoting 'NOFX' was the cleverest remark he could think of when speaking to the girl.

Lucas was broken now. Haley knew that much, and she couldn't blame him.

One way or another, so was she.

All of them were.

_|I've been trying to change my ways for days,  
You keep saying that I won't.|_

"_Was that your Dad?" Peyton asked rather coldly as she made her way into the living room where her daughter, and two nieces were._

"_Yeah," Ellie replied quietly standing up from the couch, and walking towards Peyton. She put the phone back down on the table, and then shrugged her shoulders slightly in Peyton's direction. "They don't know anything yet. Dad...He, um, he said Uncle Nathan's already at the police station but that he doesn't know that much either. He said they are going keep looking until they find him," She informed uneasily feeling more than just horrible inside._

_It wasn't just Max being missing, it was everything. It was her mom, and it was the rush of bad luck that had suddenly washed over them all._

"_He's a smart boy," Alex noted softly as she followed Ellie's lead and stood up from the couch as well. "I'm sure he'll be okay," She said soothingly, trying to bring any kind of comfort to her aunt._

_At her words, Peyton nodded offering the girl a small smile before she turned around and started walking up the stairs._

_Ellie sighed looking down at her feet, and although her mind was everywhere but there, she listened when Alex spoke again saying they should go with her._

_She felt then both her cousins walking past her, and even though she knew she should have gone after them, for some reason she just couldn't move._

_Of course she wanted to comfort her mom, there wasn't anything she wish she could do most, but everything simply started to become too much for her to handle in that very moment, too. It just didn't matter which side she saw it, there was no way she could fix anything, and the anger she feel was just a lot to bear._

_She didn't want to put that on Peyton, she was worried and scared, and…sick, and sincerely, the less she needed was another person breaking down on her, so in spite of herself, Ellie decided to stay downstairs, and simply hope things would work out._

_| My songs on a cold night I can't get you out my mind.  
Your love is a true love,  
but you're never on my side.|_

"No Noah, I don't wanna play with you now," Maxie whined as he stood up from the bed where his mischievous nephew had reached him.

"Pwease!" Noah begged sweetly, throwing his small basketball in his direction.

"Uh," Max said uneasily, looking down at the ball. "Not now," He said again, and saw sadly as Noah's face fell. "I..." He began softly, but was cut off when Lucas entered the room.

"Easy there, slugger," He said maybe a little too happy for what Maxie was expecting him to be. Lucas picked up Noah from the floor just as a pout started forming on his tiny lips, and settled him comfortable in his arms.

"Hey," Noah chirped sheepishly. His face lit up almost immediately as he realized it was his grandpa who was holding him.

"Hey yourself," Lucas said back with a small smile, before he shifted his eyes down to Maxie. "Hey to you too buddy,"

Max's lips curled up uneasily and Lucas couldn't stop the rush of guilt that washed over him at the sight. "Hi," Max said quietly at last.

He looked up at Lucas for a few seconds before his face fell again and he started walking in the door's direction.

"Maxeee!" Noah called up squirming restlessly in Lucas' arms.

"Where are you going?" Lucas asked confused, squinting his eyes.

Max stopped in his spot at their voices but didn't turn around. "I thought you wanted to play with him," He stated sadly, and Lucas' heart broke a little bit more at the tone he used.

"I came here looking for _you_," Lucas stressed, walking closer to the boy and shifting Noah in his arms allowing himself that way a better look on his son. "Missed you at breakfast," He noted as he sat down at the edge of Max's bed.

"Daddy, I'm sorry." Maxie said quietly turning around at last.

He fixed his eyes firmly on Lucas', and he had to narrow his own at the statement and at the sad tears that in mere seconds clouded Max's blue eyes. Lucas wanted to ask why, or for what, but for a moment he simply couldn't find his words.

All he felt he could do at that moment was stare at the small broken boy before him.

"I should have found the miracle,"

_|The word that I breathe is word that I need,  
and the songs that I sing don't mean anything,  
don't you wonder why it's always been this way?|_

"_I think he took his coins," Peyton mused quietly into the air. The girls had reached her in Max's room, and although they knew they should be saying something, they just couldn't find the words either._

_Or at least not the 'right' ones for that matter._

_All their life they grew up with a few truths...shopping, ice-cream, and a couple of girl-friends and things would seem a whole of a lot better than it did before. _

_It didn't matter how many times they failed as long as they failed better with each try. _

_Meaning what you say is important, but meaning what you do is too._

_And most importantly, they grew up knowing blood didn't make family, love did._

_They grew up knowing just how very much their mom loved that woman before their eyes, and in the last few months they've also learned how in spite of how good a person might be, how much good she'd done, sometimes things simply didn't work out._

_It wasn't fair, and the two of them knew that much._

"_Maxie?" Kate asked cautiously moving closer to Peyton._

_She turned around with an empty jar in her hands, and nodded her head solemnly. "Yeah," She said thoughtfully looking down at it. "I don't know where else he might be, you know?" Peyton admitted brokenly, looking up at last at both girls. "He's my son, but I..."_

"_We were all here," Kate interrupted her Aunt speaking softly. "We were all just worried about–"_

"_Me," Peyton cut her short huffing frustrated. "About my problems; instead of looking out for him everybody was worried about me... I, I'm the one who should be out there–" She stressed painfully. _

"_It's not your fault," Kate stated before Peyton could continue beating herself up at something that in reality hadn't been her fault. They had learned a good bunch of painful truths today, and they were all trying their best to deal with them, even Max, it wasn't Peyton's fault, it hadn't been anyone's fault._

"_I don't know about that kiddo," Peyton said softening her voice as she walked past the girl, and gently caressed the apple of her cheek. "He's my son despite whatever that is going on with me, I should..." She paused when her voice cracked, but she still managed to continue."I should have been there for him." She said so strongly that Kate, and even Alex who was at her side, were left with really not other thing to say back._

_They felt stunned, but mostly impotent._

_Their father, and their Uncles and even their Aunts and mom, had gone outside searching for the boy, but although Tree Hill was a small town, it wasn't nearly as small as they would have wanted it to be._

_Max was only a little over seven years old, he was a little boy outside in the middle of the night. Nobody realized when he had left the house; let alone knew where he might have gone._

_They only knew one thing; that he was gone and it had happened after the debacle of screams that had taken place in the living room of that house only a few hours ago._

_They could say all they wanted, but Peyton knew it was her fault._

_All of it was._

_|The word that I breathe is word that I need,  
and the songs that I sing don't mean anything,  
don't you wonder why? Why?|_

"What do you mean by that buddy?" Lucas asked at last finding his words.

When Max didn't respond but instead remained quiet staring into his eyes, Lucas sighed and stood up from the bed placing Noah back on his feet. "Why don't you go find your momma and tell her you're starving?" He said with a sad smile looking down at his grandson.

Noah giggled and nodded strongly at his words. "_Ssstawing_!" He hissed playfully before turning around and picking up his ball from the floor. "Play later," He said nodding decisively, looking at Max right in the eye."Kay!" He chirped when Max matched his motion.

With a smile, Lucas saw as Noah walked out of the room, but as soon as the boy was out of his sight, a sour frown graced on his face. "Max," He called causing Max to look up at his eyes a little startled. "Come here," He said gesturing him to the bed as he sat down at the edge again.

Maxie stared at him uneasily for a moment before nodding his head and moving closer to his father. Lucas lifted him off the floor so easily, and placed him on his lap, rubbing small circles on the small of his back just as he had done so many times before.

"I am so, _so_ sorry buddy," Lucas said sincerely looking down at his boy. "I'm sorry for everything, all right? I'm sorry for not being here for you when you needed me, I'm sorry because I know you are hurting, and I'm sorry because Mommy's not here with us anymore," He said trying to sound firm, but he simply couldn't stop his voice for cracking. "I'm just sorry, okay?"

Twisting his lips uneasily Maxie manage a small nod. "Okay," He said quietly. "I just..."

"It wasn't your fault Max," Lucas interrupted strongly, forcing him to meet his eyes. "We...We all did everything we could to fix your mom, but...We just couldn't buddy," He said soothingly, not really believing his own words, but he still_ needed_ to comfort his little boy one way or the other.

"But I still miss her, Daddy," Max stated a few seconds later, looking up at Lucas with tears in his eyes. "She promised," He said sadly before a sob escaped from his throat.

"I know," Lucas managed to say fighting back his own emotions and tears as he just held his son tightly. "I know."

_|You like what you see when you looking at me,  
because you think that I do what I do for you,  
don't you wonder why?|_

"_Mom?" Sawyer asked, startling Ellie a little, as she entered the house._

_Ellie closed her eyes, but after a moment looked up at Sawyer from the sofa, slightly narrowing her eyes. "Did you find him?" She asked back softly, and despite how terrified she was, because she indeed was, her voice was still carrying some sort of hope._

"_Uncle Nathan and Dad are picking him up at the police station as we speak," Sawyer informed Ellie, and had to smile when her sister's features softened as soon as she spoke._

_However, it lasted very little. "Is he okay?" Ellie asked going back to worrying. "Where was he?"_

_Sawyer sighed heavily but also nodded her head. "He is okay," She assured her firmly. "That much they've told Dad, but um, I don't know, I think he was in some drugstore downtown or something,"_

"_Downtown?" Ellie interrupted looking right into Sawyer's eyes with nothing short of uncertainty in her own. "How did he get there?"_

"_I don't know," Sawyer replied sincerely shrugging her shoulders a little. After a moment, she shook her head, and shifted her eyes to the stairs. "We gotta tell mom," She said as she looked back at Ellie who simply nodded in her direction. "She's..."_

"_Upstairs," Ellie filled with yet another nod of her head. "Alex and Kate are there with her," She informed rather quietly._

_At her words, Sawyer smiled slightly before heading up the stairs. "You are not coming?" She asked turning around when she didn't feel Ellie walking after her._

"_Go tell her," Ellie said simply shaking her head a bit. "She really is going nuts not knowing where he is,"_

_Sawyer held her stare on Ellie for a few more seconds before nodding. "Okay," She said cautiously, giving Ellie one last look before she headed upstairs._

_Sawyer then blamed her sister's mindset to the day, to the hour, it was past two in the morning in the end; she honestly couldn't find in herself the strength to accept what apparently Ellie had._

_|Old songs, on a late night,  
there's just too much, my mind, my love, is a true love,  
but my heart's as cold as ice.|_

"You think we could go visit her?" Max asked softly, pleading with his eyes as he looked up at his father. His face was fairly flushed, as well as his eyes were red, and his cheeks were stained with dry tears.

It hadn't been many the times Lucas had seen his boy crying, really crying that was. When he was little, all what he would need was someone to kiss him better and he would, in mere seconds be back to smiling, and grip onto everything he could found.

Peyton used to call him '_Monkey-boy'_ since before he was even born, and his nickname had just stuck. He was mischievous, and noisy, and he loved to laugh.

Maybe just as much as his mother did.

"I guess we could do that," Lucas replied just a softly, stroking the boy's back a little. He didn't know how, he honestly couldn't imagine how his life – _their_ life was going to be from now on, but he knew he had to at least try to go on. Not let go, he never would, but at the very least, he had to try to live the new life he was forced to face now.

For her.

For them… for simply everything the two of them had made together.

"Can I ask why?" Lucas asked before he shifted putting Max back on the floor.

Max shrugged slightly, looking down at the floor. "I just wanna be where she is," He explained quietly. "I don't want her to be alone."

"Me either, Maxie," Lucas replied standing up from the bed, and without hesitation pulling Max back up into his arms. The boy instinctively rested his head on Lucas' shoulder, and Lucas offered him a small nod. He was saying the truth, it'd been three days, three whole days since she'd...died, and truth be told, he hadn't dealt with the fact so well since the moment they stepped out of the cemetery. Maybe just as Maxie did, he needed to be there. He needed to be there with her in some way, and maybe his son_, their_ son, had had the answer all along.

"You know she loves you, and that she couldn't be any more proud of you, right Max?" Lucas asked a moment later, pushing away a little from him.

Max lifted up his face, and looked at Lucas with one lone tear falling slowly down to his left cheek. "I do," He said simply but a sniffle got in his way.

For some reason Lucas felt as if he had to chuckle. Max looked up at him oddly, and he simply shrugged. "She made that very clear, didn't she?"

"She did." Max replied without hesitation this time around, and actually matching coyly his Dad's smile.

"Let's go see your momma, buddy," Lucas said sweetly, snuggling the boy even closer to his body as they exited the room together.

_|Old songs on a late night,  
there's just too much, my mind, my love is a young love,  
but I know we'll get this right.|_

"_Hey, you're okay," Peyton soothed, trying with all her might to calm a very inconsolable Max in her arms. If she was being honest with herself, she didn't know what was being harder, fighting back her own tears, or the sight of Maxie melting down that way._

_It all came down to the same in the end though; her heart was slowly breaking and there was nothing more she could do to fix it._

_She couldn't fix them anymore._

"_I couldn't find it," Max cried from her arms, and she was in all honesty lost about what to do._

_Took Lucas and Nathan longer to get inside the house with him, than to Max to run to her arms and started crying saying 'I'm sorry' over, and over again._

"_What baby?" Peyton asked softly looking down at him. She fixed her eyes firmly on his, and instinctively lifted her hand wiping away some tears, and brushing some messy curls off his forehead. _

_Max looked up at Peyton but shook his head decisively. "The miracle," He said, his voice husky, and the tears simply didn't stop falling._

_After a moment of looking into her boy's eyes, Peyton looked up searching for Lucas'. He seemed just as baffled as she was so she simply closed her eyes tightly before returning her attention to Max. "What miracle, baby?" She asked once again, lifting his head gently with her finger._

"_Yours," Max cried as he lifted himself up a little and wrapped his arms tightly around Peyton's neck. "I'm sorry, I really am, momma." He said burying his head in whatever was left of Peyton's curls. "I'm sorry,"_

_When Max's weeps became Peyton's, Lucas stood up from his chair and moved closer to the both of them. He wrapped his arm around Peyton's frame, hugging Max that way as well. He leaned down strongly kissing her head, as he simply stayed there as tears of his own started falling from his eyes. "Shh," He tried to soothe against her hair, but it was all in vain, not Max, not Peyton, not himself, could keep their tears inside any longer._

_|You like what you see when you're looking at me,  
because you think that I do what I do for you,  
don't you wonder why?|_

"_How is he?" Ellie asked quietly, as she entered her baby brother's bedroom._

_Shrugging, Peyton looked up at her from the bed. "At least he's sleeping," She said sadly, gesturing her to a sleeping Max in her arms._

_Ellie stayed by the doorway for a good moment before letting out a breath, and walking to the bed. She sat right at the edge, and placed one of her hands on Max's back rubbing small circles. "He told you why he did it?" She asked simply, not knowing how badly she didn't want to hear the answer to that question._

_Peyton sighed closing her eyes tightly as Ellie spoke. "Yeah," She replied softly a moment later. "He was looking out for a miracle." Peyton explained stifling her tears once again._

_Ellie narrowed her eyes but before she could ask something, Peyton began again. "He heard your Dad arguing with Haley early today, he...actually Hales, she was telling your Dad how he couldn't do anything this time, that..."_

"_That a miracle was all that could save you," Ellie filled in with a sharp nod. "Yeah, they were kinda loud," She explained uneasily._

_Peyton looked up at her eyes and simply shrugged her shoulders ignoring completely everything Ellie was telling her without even speaking one more word. "Max thought he could buy one," She continued after a few seconds._

"_Buy what?" Ellie asked again, slightly shaking her head._

"_The miracle," Peyton repeated looking down as her boy slumbered, between aftershocks of his earlier sobs. "He cried saying he didn't have enough money to buy it. He __apologized__ for it," She explained, strongly biting her bottom lip._

_Ellie swallowed hard looking at Peyton and then looked down closing her eyes. "What do you want me to tell you?" She asked maybe a little more harshly than what she'd intended to sound._

"_What about what really is on your mind," Peyton tried simply with a shrug. "How about the truth?"_

_Silence settled for a moment before Ellie nodded her head fixing firmly her eyes on Peyton's one more time._

"_You are dying"_


	10. Strength

**Author's Note : **Before we start again, I wanted to say thank You- _again_, yes, I am in fact a broken record sometimes LOL But what are you going to do? I'm actually really glad in spite of everything you liked the last chapter! I don't know how many times I went through it to get it out as decent as possible so I'm glad you all liked it even though it was one of the saddest ones I've written **:|**

Anyways...Now...Onto _this_ chapter, well...it is kind of my fluffy relief after Chapter9 -_ Kind of_, and in just a little while you'd read why.

We are going _way back_ in time this time with this chapters. There are yet again jumps between two different timelines. This time both happened in the past and yet are different moments in the past- both are flashbacks {One in _Italics_, the other not} yet one happpened before the other? makes any sense? LOL

_Hopefully_, it _will_ make sense once you read this chapter lol - I'm actually so sorry if I always explain things too confusing in the Author'sNotes by the way lol -I guess I just feel as if I should _"warn"_ you before reading each chapter, so yes...I'm very sorry if what I say here most of the times doesn't make any sense at all LOL

I do hope you get to like this one though. As many of you have put this story already, I'd say this one is one of the most bittersweet chapters I've written. That's not necessarily a good thing, but anyway, I think I'm going to shut up now LOL I wish you all had an amazing easter, and well...Enjoy this chapter & please let me know what you think **:)**

* * *

_The strength to find a purpose in life  
The strength to find the truths it brings  
The strength to kick away from strife  
The strength to stabilize the rock it clings_

**Strength**

"_Dress?"_

"_Checked!"_

"_Shoes?"_

"_Checked!"_

"_Tiara?"_

"_Checked!"_

"_White thingy for your face?"_

"_Checked!" Sawyer said with a giggle her mom matched._

"_Something blue?"_

"_Checked!" The girl replied with yet another giggle._

"_Okay, what else do you think you need?" Peyton asked stifling with all she had her laughter._

"_I dunno." Sawyer said pensively tapping her chin with her forefinger. "Whatcha say Elle? What else should we bring?" She asked turning around so that she was catching sight of her sister._

_Ellie giggled from her spot on the bed, and shook her head strongly. "Dunno," She chirped with quite a grin. "Coco! Coco!" She cried excitedly a moment later as realization hit her._

_Sawyer nodded her head at her words, and turned to look right into Peyton's eyes once again. "Oh, and Mr. Coco too Momma. Can we take him?" She asked with pleading eyes and all Peyton could do was nod._

"_Sure bunny," She answered sweetly. "He'll be your…witness I guess," She added before chuckling slightly at the way Sawyer frowned at her words. "We'll take him, baby…" She assured her daughter simply getting up from the chair she was sitting at, and grabbing the girls' big teddy bear._

"_You got rings," Sawyer noted quietly from her spot not missing a beat._

_Peyton turned around looking confused at her for a moment before she gave Sawyer a cautious nod. "I do. Why'd you ask?"_

"_I'm gonna need a ring too?" Sawyer asked back rather annoyed, scrunching all her face in disagreement._

"_I don't know; do you wanna wear a ring?" Peyton asked raising her eyebrows expectantly at her girl's answer._

"_Nope, I don't wanna." Sawyer replied simply, shaking her head. "But that's what you get when you get married, right?" She asked and Peyton just nodded her head one time. "Then I guess I should wear one too, right? I'm getting married after all…" She said, one more time pursing her lips uneasily as she spoke._

_Peyton twisted hers as well, and thought for a moment before smiling in her daughter's direction. "Maybe we can get something else," She tried with a small shrug of her shoulder. "Everybody usually gets rings when they get married, but we are not everybody else, are we?" She asked looking at Sawyer, but before she could reply, Ellie decided to do so for her._

"_Nope!" She cried happily, getting on her feet, and bouncing herself slightly on the bed. "We not, right mommy?" She asked innocently looking right into her mom's eyes._

"_No we are not, kiddo," Peyton replied smiling as she looked at Ellie, and then shifted her eyes down at Sawyer. "We can do whatever you like for your 'wedding', so if you don't like rings, well…then we will get something else, okay?"_

_Sawyer smiled at Peyton's words, and after just a few moments of thinking about it, nodded her head all too strongly. "Okay," She said decisively, before looking up thoughtfully again. "What should we get then?" She asked going back to her prior soft tone of voice, and Peyton could only smile._

_She moved taking Sawyer's hand into her own, and sat herself with her little girl on her lap, next to Ellie on the bed. "What do you think we should get? I guess it can be anything you want?"_

"_Anything!" Ellie echoed goofily as she sat herself right beside Peyton, and crossed her arms over her chest pretending seriousness._

_After looking at Ellie with a smile, Peyton turned to look down at Sawyer in her arms again. "Anything," She repeated sweetly._

"_What about bracelets? I like bracelets, or charms, or something like that, those are nicer," Sawyer said nodding confidently. _

_Peyton thought for a moment, but then nodded her head in assent. "I guess we could get you a very special bracelet, and we could also get Will a nice necklace or something…maybe even a little cross too, what do you say? We could go get them now if we are up to it?"_

_Sawyer face lit up with a bright smile, and Peyton simply had to match it. She honestly loved when Sawyer smiled in such sincere way for something as simple as she saying the first thing that crossed her mind. "I'm up to it!" Sawyer said nodding strongly, as she slipped down of Peyton's lap already. "Really ready!" She said excitedly staring at Peyton urgently, as if telling her with her big wide eyes to get up and go right away._

"_Good, then we'll go now." Peyton replied with a giggle at last, as she too stood up from the bed. "You too are going silly-bug," She called jokingly when she saw Ellie leaning back on the bed._

"_Nuh, uh… me staying," Ellie informed Peyton nodding, and moving further up in the bed. "Daddy coming home!" She told her mom seriously, nodding her head some more._

_Peyton smiled, however, had to roll her eyes a little too. Ellie was hardly two and a half years old, yet, she was a whole lot more stubborn than she and Sawyer and Lucas were all together. "Yes you are coming." Peyton said back as firmly as she could sound, reaching out for Ellie's teeny squirming legs._

_Ellie giggled as she was being pulled out of the bed by her mom, but in any case never stopped shaking her head decisively from side to side. "Daddy coming, Ellie staying," She stated as she slipped out of her mom's grasp, and stood on the bed with her hand on her hip._

"_We are going shopping, and you are coming with us," Peyton said, staring firmly into Ellie's eyes. _

_Ellie smiled at her mom's 'seriousness', and after a beat walked her way on the bed closer to her. She stood right in front of Peyton, and sweetly put her arms around her mom's neck. "Wuv you," She promised into her ear before pulling away giggling. "But Ellie staying home," She said playfully, before plopping herself down on the bed._

"_Ellie you know Mom will stroll by the ice-cream place…don't you want some?" Sawyer asked as she re-entered the bedroom, already with her big coat on._

_Peyton smiled looking at Sawyer at the doorway and then back at Ellie with expectancy in her eyes._

_Ellie stared seriously in Sawyer's direction, slightly squinting, which she hadn't been doing all too often, but that still, any time that she did it, a silly smile would start dancing on Peyton's lips. Lucas would always tell her how the girls had picked up all __her__ mannerisms, little did he know, the two of them had picked up all of his too. _

"_Ohh, okay, we going mommy," Ellie agreed at last as she jumped into Peyton's arms, and wrapped her own little arms tightly around her neck. "Daddy'll be late," She informed Peyton who could only smile as the three of them stepped out of her bedroom and headed to the mall._

_____| The strength to resist the _night  
___The strength to endure the __day |_

"You okay?" Lucas asked _so_ softly as they entered the house.

Peyton then stopped in her tracks because even though she _almost_ missed his words, she didn't- as much as she wish she had. After a beat, turning on her spot to face him, Peyton couldn't help but offer him a small smile. "I…I'm not," She replied honestly, narrowing her eyes a bit, and the uncertainty her voice carried, honestly killed him inside. "I just…I'm gonna be upstairs, you…"

"I'll go pick up Max from school," Lucas offered with a small shrug of his shoulder. She might not be saying the words exactly, but she needed her space to sink in everything, and although the less he wanted to do was leave her alone, Lucas simply knew Peyton and that meant knowing the way she tend to deal with stuff.

She needed to be alone if only for a little while, and he most certainly wasn't one not to let her to as much.

"Yeah," Peyton replied smiling slightly in his direction. She moved to stand right in front of him, and simply pressed a soft kiss to his lips before turning around again, and heading her way up the stairs.

"I love you," Lucas whispered to himself when she was already out of earshot.

She didn't hear him, but he hoped she knew how those three words weren't anything other than the absolute truth. Things were bad, but things could also get better again if she only fought it.

Lucas honestly _needed_ her to do so.

_| The strength to keep righteous paths in sight  
The strength to take them without delay |_

"Mommy?"

Peyton couldn't help but close her eyes tightly when Max's quiet voice carried through her bedroom. She had been so lost in her own thoughts that she hadn't even heard them come back. She took a deep, long breath, before flipping onto her back so that she could look at her boy by the doorway.

Perhaps Peyton should have wiped the tears on her face away before looking at him, but a part of her thought of that as an act in vain. She was one-hundred-percent sure those same tears were going to keep falling, so what was the point of wipe them away?

"Come here." Peyton then said softly with a nod of her head, stretching out her arms and making room in the bed next to her so Maxie could climb up beside her.

"Daddy said you tired, and wanted to sleep. I…he said I stay in my room," Maxie informed her uneasily, still on his feet and looking down as he twirled them a little. "I…"

"It's okay, baby," Peyton gently cut him short. At her words, Max looked up at her, and in spite of herself, Peyton _had_ to smile at him. "I feel a whole lot better now that I see you," She told him sweetly and rather sincerely, before motioning him to come up in the bed with her one more time.

This time around, Max didn't hesitate one second in obliging even when he moved closer to the bed rather slowly and carefully for some reason.

Peyton cradled him into her arms, and hugged him as tightly as she possible could against her chest.

"Mommy…?" Max whispered only a moment later. He didn't attempt to look up at her, as if knowing how much Peyton _needed _him to just be close to her but keep his eyes down.

"Yeah?" She mumbled back huskily.

"Please don't be so sad." Max begged quietly, and although Peyton managed a nod with her head, the sadness in her heart only grew bigger at his words.

"I won't," Peyton promised anyway, leaning down and kissing fondly the top of his head.

She just couldn't find in herself to understand why that kind of things keep happening to her. The worst part of it all was that it wasn't only her anymore, if things happened to go the way the doctors so harshly had explained them they could go, then she would not only be losing them, she won't be the only one who's heart would break, it was _theirs_, it was Lucas', it was her girls', and it was Max's.

He was five-years-old and Peyton knew she would never forgive herself if she did to her son the same thing both her moms did to her once upon a time.

She didn't resent them, that wasn't it. That wasn't it _at all. _She just knew exactly how it felt, and in all honesty, that was by far the last thing she would wish on her own children.

Her job was to _protect them_, not to bring them sorrow, and she knew exactly that was what was going to happen as soon as the news about their visit to the doctor got out in the open.

She didn't want that. She honestly didn't, and that was the one thing she was sure of at the moment.

Max fell asleep in her arms only mere minutes after he climbed up on the bed next to Peyton. She would have fallen asleep as well; she sure was exhausted and just physically tired of hearing her taunting thoughts. Yet she didn't seem to find sleep.

Maybe the voices in the back of her mind were simply _too_ loud.

Pulling her from her thoughts, Lucas then entered the room a moment later; he was _so_ quiet- Peyton could tell, it was as if he was afraid the slightest of movements, or sounds, or whatever really, could break her and take her away from him right there in that moment.

"Hi," Peyton said with a small smile looking up at him.

Lucas smiled a little too, and for some reason also bowed his head. "Hey," He said back softly.

"Do you feel better now?" Peyton asked taking Lucas a little aback. Honestly_, he_ was the one who should be asking that.

In any case, the fact that _she_ was the one who made the question first was enough reason for him to smile. Things could be crumbling down on her, and yet, there she was, remaining steady like a little rock for him. "Now I am," Lucas replied sincerely, sending a timid wink in her direction.

Peyton nodded her head before looking down at the small boy cradled in her arms. "The doctor really scared you, didn't he?" She asked quietly, still with her eyes firmly fixed on Max.

Lucas sighed heavily, but then also nodded his head. He couldn't lie to her. "A lot," He admitted painfully. "You too," He added sorrowfully and she nodded.

"I just don't understand, you know?" Peyton whispered only a moment later. "How could it get so bad, so fast–"

"It is not so bad," Lucas interrupted her speaking strongly. "We don't know that yet, things...We just gotta believe things are going to work out, all right?" He asked as he moved closer in front of Peyton, and rested his hand on her overly flushed cheek.

"I do want to believe that," Peyton stated, leaning in on his touch. "It's just hard," She admitted closing her eyes tightly.

At her broken words, Lucas moved forward placing himself behind her, and wrapping his arms strongly around her small frame. Maxie stirred at his motion, and Lucas saw as Peyton simply helped him to his side as he continued sleeping soundly at her side of the bed.

The unfairness of it all hit Lucas in that moment; that boy was hardly five-years-old, he needed her, he needed his mom, he couldn't lose her, and neither could Lucas. The fact alone that the possibility even existed now killed him inside like only two things before had.

This time was different though, it felt somehow more…real…worse.

"We are not giving up, okay?" Lucas said strongly, kissing the top of her head. "I won't let you."

"Let her what?" Sawyer asked with a smile that faded almost immediately as she entered her parent's room properly and caught sight of the expressions in both their faces. "Everything okay?" She asked fairly concerned, as her eyes fell into a squint.

Peyton swallowed hard looking at her, but then managed a nod of her head. "Yeah," She said simply shifting her eyes up to look at Lucas.

She gave him a _look_, and he simply _had_ to nod as well. "Yeah we are," He said looking right into Sawyer's eyes.

Before the girl could ask another question, Peyton did it for her first. "Everything okay?" She asked back, narrowing slightly her own eyes now. Sawyer had been home just a few days ago for Ellie's birthday; she lived in Washington, it really wasn't a common thing she just showed up in Tree Hill without letting anyone know she was coming- especially Peyton at that.

"Yeah," Sawyer replied at last, a little uneasily. It wasn't lost on her the tears in her mom's eyes, and also the way Lucas was holding her when she came inside the bedroom. "Yeah, everything's okay," She promised again, shrugging her shoulders a bit.

"Not that I mind," Peyton said offering her a small smile. "But can I ask what are you doing here?"

"Oh," Sawyer let out thoughtfully smiling sheepishly. She honestly forgot for those seconds the reason she'd come all the way to Tree Hill in the first place. "Where's Ellie?" She asked first. If she was going to tell them, she'd better tell them all at the same time.

"Hmm," Peyton muttered looking up at Lucas. "I don't think she's coming over until dinner," She informed as she turned around, and looked back at Sawyer. "What happened?" She asked again, maybe getting just a _little_ nervous already.

It was still fairly amazing though; a couple minutes with her daughter, and she _almost_ forgot the horrific day that she was having.

Sawyer stayed quiet staring into her mom's eyes for a few more seconds, before she simply shrugged her shoulders and smiled coyly in her direction. "This," She said quietly stretching out her hand for her parents to see.

"Oh," Peyton scoffed trying hard to stifle the chuckle that was so dangerously threatening to escape her throat.

"He…He–" Lucas stuttered nervously, as he glanced over at the big diamond in _his_ little girl's hand. "He, he proposed?" He drawled out at last, and Peyton chuckled sincerely at that.

"Shut up!" Peyton ordered him playfully, before shifting her attention back to Sawyer. "She said _yes_," She pointed out with quite a smile before standing up hurriedly from the bed, and wrapping her arms tightly around her daughter's neck. "You said yes?" She stated more than she asked but it all still carried the same emotion.

Her day started with promises of endings, Sawyer coming over with the promise of a new beginning only made her heart warm and swell with pride.

___| The strength to light a friend's day _up  
_The strength to resist wrathful __foes |_

"_Where's Mommy sweet girl?" Lucas asked as he kissed Sawyer's head, and sat down right next to her on the porch stairs of their home._

"_Inside," Sawyer said simply with a shrug. "She's getting Ellie ready to go," She informed her father as she turned and looked into his eyes at last._

"_Ready for what?" Lucas asked expectantly before he actually took a proper look of his little girl. "Whoa, you look pretty, Sawyer Scott!" He noted with a smile as he gave her his hand, and help her up of the floor. He twirled her around playfully and couldn't stop the huge grin that spread on his face at the sight._

_She really looked pretty._

"_I know," Sawyer replied sheepishly as she stopped turning and smoothed down her dress. "Thank you," She added sweetly, looking up and locking eyes with her father._

_Lucas smiled nodding his head and then pulling her back into his arms. "So now tell me why you are so pretty?" He asked looking down at her sparkling blue eyes._

_Sawyer smiled, and squished her nose up as she saw into his eyes. "We're all going over to Missus Mc–McGrr–"_

"_McGraw," Lucas filled in for her with a chuckle._

_Sawyer matched his chuckle and nodded her little head strongly. "I got a play-date with Will and his big sister, she and Mommy are getting us married," She informed casually, but at her words Lucas nearly choked between chuckles, and coughs._

"_You okay, Daddy?" Sawyer asked him as she patted tenderly his back._

"_Yeah, you are what?" Lucas asked stifling his laughter._

"_Marrying Daddy," Sawyer replied casually. "Like you and Mommy, and Uncle Nate and Aunt Haley, and like Aunt Brooke and Uncle Julian." She explained nodding._

"_Oh," Lucas let out goofily at the seriousness on Sawyer's features._

_The girl was death serious._

_He shouldn't be all that surprised though. After all, he had once turned down her marriage proposal. Thank God, he'd had Peyton explaining Sawyer everything about how we couldn't marry our Daddies, and thankfully, there were no __grudges between the two of them._

"_He said 'Yes' when I asked him so, you know?" Sawyer chirped before Peyton stepped through the door with a sleepy Ellie on her hip._

"_You're home early," She noted as Lucas got up and moved in front of her and the little girl._

"_We are going to a wedding I heard," Lucas said only half-jokingly as he leaned down and kissed her lips softly._

_When they pulled apart, Peyton couldn't help but chuckle burying her head on his chest as if that would help in any way to muffle her laughter. "I really wanted to tell you," She said looking up at him with the most sheepish of smiles. "It was all just a little unexpected," She explained looking down playfully at Sawyer who didn't hesitate in match her chuckles._

_| The strength to fill a stranger's dry cup  
The strength to shun sin when it opposed |_

"_So this all was..."_

"_Your daughter's idea," Peyton filled in for Lucas with a smirk. Lucas looked over at Sawyer, Ellie, and Will's sister Julie, actually talking with Mr. Coco, telling him how very important that 'wedding' was._

"_I don't want her to get married," Lucas merely pouted as he turned to look back at Peyton."Like ever,"_

"_What?" She asked with a chuckle, but stifled it when she saw he was actually serious. "You mean that?" She added, biting her lower lip in an attempt not to laugh._

"_Yes I do!" Lucas cried urgently, his eyes darting back and forth between the girls and Peyton's eyes. "Ellie either," He added seriously. "They, they are..."_

"_Yes, they are your girls, but that doesn't mean you can lock them up in the basement, and stop them from getting a life of their own one day, you know?" Peyton finished his statement, and couldn't stop from laughing at the pout on his lips._

"_I know that," Lucas replied frowning. "I just…Where the heck she got the idea of getting married anyway? And with __William__? I don't even know that little punk!"_

_Peyton chuckled for like the tenth time that evening, but still shook her head. "I dunno," She said shrugging innocently. "She just told me today after school that she'd talk with Will a bit, and that if I could help her with her 'wedding'. I couldn't tell her no!" She cried defensively but never wiping the smile on her face._

_Lucas twisted his lips, and rolled his eyes just a little. "She's six-years-old, Peyton," He noted looking right into her eyes._

"_I know that," Peyton replied shrugging slightly. "But anyway, what do you think this is? They are just playing Luke!" She cried playfully smacking his chest._

_Lucas went back to pouting, but still managed a nod. "She's still too little to be thinking about boys and marriages, and bracelets-rings whatever," He said crossing his arms over his chest, and at that, Peyton so had to laugh at him._

"_I promise you next week Sawyer won't even remember about this 'ceremony,'" She told him finger-quoting in the air, and at last, the boy cracked a smile. _

"_She'd better," Lucas said huffing, but then smiled for real looking down at Peyton. "Why can't they just stay little girls?"_

_| The strength to feel a injured man's pain  
The strength to hold a reject's hand  
The strength to act against any gain  
The strength to love without demand |_

"So...?"

"It's just scary you know?" Sawyer replied biting down playfully on her bottom lip. "I don't think I even thought it over before saying yes, I…I just did," She said smiling in a way Peyton could swear she'd never seen her daughter smiling before.

"I think that was just the way it had to be, baby," She said sweetly caressing her girl's cheek. "You are just in love and there's nothing wrong about that, it's just..."

"What?" Sawyer asked frowning slightly at the sudden way her mom's voice faded.

"Nothing," Peyton told her rapidly before she could start imagining who knows what in that head of hers. "I just…You're twenty-one kiddo. You are going to be barely legal to drink at your own wedding reception," She said only half-jokingly, and couldn't help but laugh when Sawyer's jaw dropped to what seemed to be the floor.

"Mom!" She scoffed rather indignantly.

"Don't look at me like that," Peyton defended herself. "I am so, _so_ very happy for you, Sawyer Scott. You know I am," She said nodding seriously. "I was just saying," She added innocently shrugging one of her shoulders.

A pout formed slightly on Sawyer's lips and she looked over at Peyton cautiously. "You were only two years older than me when you married Daddy, and we all know you would have done it before if you just hadn't been so..."

"So what?" Peyton asked her strongly as though daring her when her voice faded.

"So scared," Sawyer replied quietly with a small shrug of her own. "So scared to say yes and be happy," She tried again with a sheepish grin.

"I…" Peyton trailed off with her mouth opened, but then she simply took in a breath and softened her features. "Yeah…yes I was." She granted sincerely, nodding her head a bit. "But..." She began again, scrunching her face, and narrowing her eyes. "I was just nineteen at the time so you honestly shouldn't hold that against me," She added with a laugh Sawyer matched.

"Aw, okay, whatever you say mom," Sawyer settled simply shrugging. "You wish you had said yes?" She asked softly, just a moment later.

"The first time Lucas proposed?" Peyton asked back needlessly. Sawyer nodded, and Peyton simply stared back at her for a few seconds before she could form an actual answer at that. "Most of the times," She said at last with a shrug. "I would have saved your Daddy and me a lot of heartache, yes, but..."

"But what?" Sawyer interrupted asking. As far as she knew, '_most of the times'_ was 'a_ll the time'_. She couldn't help but feel a _little_ curious about why that had changed.

Peyton thought for a moment, but then simply shook her head. "Were at least four years of our lives that we lost of being together, I _do_ regret that part," She said firmly. "But, I don't know, if it hadn't been for those years away from each other, Lucas and I...Let's say I just like to believe the two of us learned to somehow appreciate, value each other more because of that time apart, and that has helped us get here, you know? Maybe if I had said yes right away we would..."

"Take things for granted?" Sawyer asked fairly uncertainty, but it wasn't precisely uncertainty because of her, and Peyton knew that much.

"I guess so, yeah," She replied nodding. "I love your Dad, you know that, but that doesn't mean things can't get in the way of that. Yesterday we might had been okay and by this afternoon things could have well crumble down, but I guess the quiet satisfaction is in knowing you did everything in your power to appreciate every moment while you still got it."

Sawyer stared at Peyton with a soft smile on her face as she spoke. She wasn't one to rush into things without being absolutely thorough about them. Yet, this time everything had been different, and for a reason she wasn't completely sure about, she knew her mom understood exactly why she'd said yes so suddenly.

If wasn't fear of losing William the same way Peyton once almost lost Lucas for saying '_someday_'. It wasn't because she'd felt pressure into saying _'yes'_, or any sort of sense of commitment since the two of them had been a couple for _so_ long.

It had been because her heart simply told her the right thing to say and that had been '_Yes'_. She knew Peyton understood that much, and she felt lucky for that.

"Let me see it again," Peyton called playfully when the silence somehow became too much for her to handle.

If well it was true she was smiling, and one-hundred-percent happy for her daughter, that didn't mean for a second she had forgot about everything else that was going on with her. She in a way wanted to take her own advice- or better yet, don't forget about it, she could well be breaking down in her room upstairs, but instead she decided to be there for her daughter, and celebrate one of the most important days in her life.

She was getting married.

Getting married for real with the one boy she'd always truly love and Peyton wasn't one not to be thrilled about the fact.

"It is beautiful." Peyton mused looking down at the diamond ring. "Despite whatever I am happy you did say yes, kid," She said only half-jokingly before the two of them started chuckling.

"He still carries his little cross around his neck, you know?" Sawyer said softly a moment later. Peyton frowned slightly at her words, so with a smile Sawyer decided to elaborate. "The one you gave him, when he was seven," She said with a chuckle. "He actually said that although he hadn't been all that ready to get married back then, he was still glad I was the first one he married even if it was just for pretend," She said coyly looking down at her own hand.

"You are happy, aren't you?" Peyton asked, steadily looking into her daughter's glistened eyes.

Sawyer sighed heavily at her question, but never lost the bright smile on her face. "I am," She replied simply at last.

"That's all that matters."


	11. Loss

**Author's Note : **GREAT Night so you guys get an update cause I'm too thrilled to sleep LOL Transition chapter but still =)

It's a chapter I needed to help me '_move on'_ to the next part of this story. I think I _did_ tell you this story wasn't so long right? We still have a few chapters to go, but we are actually already beyond the middle of this. We still have a good chunk of story to tell so hopefully you'd enjoy :)

That said, per some very _subtle_ requests, I made myself work over the weekend and I think this week I'm going to start posting **"Always On Your Side" **epilogue. In the end, I DID cut it in a few parts so soon enough you'll hear about that story again. Keep in mind, we are jumping in time…which to be honest, is awesome for me lol Don't ask why, but suddenly I discovered I have a fascination for periods in time of people's lives, so don't hold that against me LOL

Anyways, Thank again so much for reading and please Enjoy!

* * *

_Your smile haunts my memories  
the words you spoke still lingering among the crystal mist I breathe  
—I wish that you were here with me _

**Loss**

"So you know, this feels rather morbid, and not in a good way— and impersonal too. I know we came here with you quite a lot of times but even though I don't remember liking it, I don't remember feeling this bad either. It's so…I really don't know how to describe it. I just know I don't like it." Ellie admitted letting out a long breath of air before she collected her emotions just enough to carry on. "But I still wanted to come to see you by myself. I know Daddy and Max are coming over, but I feel like that is more as _their _time to be here with you. I don't wanna intrude even though I know I won't be doing so if I did come with them, but…let's say I wouldn't be talking with you this way if they were around." She said with a small shrug of her shoulder.

"Sawyer finally moved back to her place. Daddy actually _had_ to talk her into it. She honestly didn't want to leave us, and I, I'm not sure either how much of a good idea it was that she finally left too…but…Noah needed her and missed her, just as William did, so I guess that was actually the right thing to do for her. And you know, Noah…" Ellie added as an afterthought when the little guy crossed her mind and she smiled sadly. "I thought he was the only one who was kind of…free of this whole mess, you know? But…the other day Daddy and I, we found him knocking at your studio door, he was calling out '_Mimi_' over and over again. Dad was the one who told him that you weren't there, and then… you should have only seen the size of the pout on his lips as Daddy said that…He was so sad…" Shaking her head, Ellie then let her sentence trail off as she shifted her eyes down to her lap.

She waited a moment in complete silence before continuing. She took a deep breath, and closed her eyes tightly before moving closer to her mom's stone. It was only eleven past seven, yet Monday morning had dawned early and brightly. In a way, the weather represented the polar opposite of how she was feeling.

As strange as it felt sometimes, she knew time kept moving, life and people, nothing stopped even though at times she felt as though it had.

Whether she was okay with the fact or not, the world kept turning even if _her_ mom wasn't in it anymore. The sun kept rising, and people kept living their lives as if nothing had happened.

Ellie knew not a whole lot of people cared about how much had actually happened in her life recently; how much had changed, and how..._empty_ she felt right now.

In spite of that, sometimes she could actually forget the feeling, just for a few seconds that was. That especially happened in the mornings, when that first ray of light cracked through her window, and the day seemingly was one of those days when things weren't simply so messed up.

It all usually went away all too fast though, but she still like that for those split seconds in the morning her heart didn't ache as much.

"But the thing is that even though he's a baby and doesn't really understand how you are not here anymore, I think he does understand just how much he misses you. Because we all do, we all miss you, and that– that's the truth mom." Ellie stated strongly even when her voice attempted to crack.

"I think we just _so_ should get '_pause_' and '_play_' buttons for our lives, you know?" She added only a beat later…in a strange sort of way, her voice even chirped in that moment. "It'll be kinda cool if you think about it; we could just put our lives on hold every time that we feel like we can't go on. We could make stop all those long crappy days that we get all too often now by the way..." She noted smiling sadly, as she looked over at the lettering before her.

"_The saddened hearts were healed in knowing the pain of life is over and the beauty of the soul revealed."_ Was what read under her mom's name on the stone; Lucas had chosen it, and it was weird, but the bittersweet feeling that those words brought to Ellie's body was rather unbearable for some reason.

It was true but it still hurt…so much.

"But that's not the point," She said shaking her head firmly a moment later. "The thing is that we actually don't get '_pause_' buttons, and sometimes...sometimes this all is simply a lot to handle. And you know? This might sound weird, especially for you I guess, but...I don't know what to do next anymore. I think this is the first time in my life I really don't know what I want to do next. I've always known it, you know that, but now...It's as if I don't see the point anymore. I want to make you proud, I do, I just...You are not here to see it, so what's the point of trying?" She asked brokenly, looking up at the sky when her eyes welled with tears.

"I didn't come here to cry though," Ellie stated softly, as she brought her eyes back to the stone before her. "I just thought maybe you could help me somehow. There must have been a reason why you always came here to visit Grandma, right? I remember I asked you once about what kind of things you talk to her, you...You said that most of the times you didn't talk, but simply stayed quiet beside her. Well I...I can't do that and I'm pretty sure you knew that already. I don't like quiet, and I hate being quiet myself so...I just hope you don't mind mom." She said with a soft smile.

"You wanna know something, though? This is actually the first time I'm talking all this stuff aloud, and it's strange, but I think it does make me feel better. I still miss you...and I still feel that thingy in the pit of my stomach, but it's…It feels lighter somehow now. I guess maybe I'll end up understanding why you came to see Grandma all too often eventually. Maybe you are listening after all, right?"

A good moment went by in which Ellie simply stayed quiet looking at her '_mom_'. Is strange the ways comfort, and that sense of safety gets to you sometimes. Maybe she wasn't expecting it, but it still came, and somehow it _did _make her feel better.

Even if it was only for a little while. But maybe that was the point too; knowing how to take advantage of those little moments of quiet stillness.

* * *

"I'm not good at this stuff," Max whined to himself completely unaware Lucas had been at his doorway for a good few moments just watching at him.

"I think you are good enough big man," Lucas spoke at last, startling his boy a little with his voice.

Max frowned looking quite seriously in Lucas' direction before he shrugged his shoulders dismissively. "No I'm not," He said again, fairly angrily, as he wrinkled a sheet of paper and tossed it in the trashcan below.

Playfully, Lucas let out a puff of air as he moved closer to Max's play-table. "I'm not all that good either and I don't think that's bad, you know?" He tried sympathetically placing his hand on the small of his boy's back.

Max looked over at Lucas uneasily twisting his lips. "But I wanna be good," He said slightly pouting as he shifted his eyes down to his still empty sketchbook. "Mommy was good," He stated at last softly.

"Mommy was more than good." Lucas corrected sounding as happily as he possibly could in spite of himself. He could well be dying inside, but that didn't mean he could show it. Let alone in front of Max.

That small boy beside him had enough as it was. He didn't need a broken man as a father after everything he had gone through.

"Yeah," Max replied quietly, shaking his head a little, but still cracking a small smile.

"Yeah? Just '_yeah_'?" Lucas asked back forcing gently Max to look at him. He put a smile on his face, and despite everything, he did mean it.

She wouldn't want him to be locked out in a room shutting his – _their_ children out, she'd want them all to rely in each other and that was exactly was he was doing.

Or at least trying to do.

Chuckling quietly, Maxie shook his head. "She was quite awesome," He admitted smiling softly as he finally looked up properly at Lucas' eyes. "But I'm not good," He said, going back to pouting.

"Yes you are," Lucas assured him strongly. "And even if you weren't, you know we can't be good at everything, we all have our...'_things_'. Mommy's was drawing, Sawyer's taking pictures, Ellie...Well, we are still deciding on Ellie, you know the girl likes to multitask," He said with a small chuckle Max matched.

They both knew Lucas hadn't said truer words since the moment he stepped into the bedroom.

"And yours can be whatever you like." Lucas continued, looking firmly into his son's eyes. "If you don't like what you are drawing now, you can just keep trying until you do, but I still need you to hear something, okay?" He asked raising an eyebrow. Max simply nodded his head. "You don't have to be into drawing because Mommy liked it. You can be as close to Peyton as you want without scribbling a single thing. I can promise you that, all right?"

"All right, Daddy," Max replied with a smile, and nodding slowly his head. "I still don't like to suck," He added, and Lucas simply had to chuckle, ruffling playfully his already messy curls.

"Then I guess you'll have to keep trying," Lucas settled shrugging a little his shoulders. "Now how about we go find your sister, and I fix you both some breakfast?"

"I am a little hungry," Maxie admitted rather shyly before he added. "But Ellie's not in her bedroom. She came earlier and kissed _me_...right _here_," He said pointing to his left cheek with his forefinger. "Before she left," He finished his statement matching Lucas' wide eyes.

"And where do you suppose she went so early?"

* * *

"So now that Sawyer's not all the time in the house with us, Daddy is kind of stepping up. I think you should be proud of him. I know I am," Ellie said shrugging playfully one of her shoulders. "He's not all right, but at least he is trying so I guess that's actually something good. I don't think any of this was fair to any of us— at all, you know that. But sometimes I do think it is worse on Daddy at some level, you know? You should have seen the people at the wake-thingy whatever... They looked at him with such pity, but at the same time, they looked at him as if _expecting_ for him to step up and fix this whole mess for us. Like as if he wasn't supposed to break down and feel bad simply because he has _us_, and that's simply wrong, and we both know that's the truth." She said seriously, and her voice carrying a little louder with each word she pronounced.

"I think we all should be allowed to be left alone, and be sad for as long as we need to without people looking at you and... judging you. I hate that by the way, but again, you already knew that, didn't ya?" Shrugging again, she smiled and nodded her head all at the same time.

Of that, she was completely sure. Her mom did know her.

"Anyway," Ellie said a moment later, shaking her head. "I kinda got side-tracked, didn't I? Sorry." She said smiling sheepishly. "I actually wanted to tell you something good, so anyway...Daddy…he actually fixed us real dinner last night. That felt odd, you know? I was totally getting used to just take-out," She said with a chuckle that for some reason she ached so much her mom could share.

Sighing she put back a smile on her face. "And at night Daddy went to your studio again. He's been spending a lot of time in there, but last night it was kind of different. Maxie came in my room when it was already late, and then he asked me if we could join Dad. I…I don't know why, but I just told him okay…and…Daddy didn't even mind." She said as a small smile started dancing on her lips as she spoke. And in truth, she couldn't help it; she had genuinely been surprised Lucas let them in so easily.

"At first, we simply stayed there snuggled in the couch…flipping through a few of your sketches and stuff, but then Max actually asked Daddy to read to him. And he did it. He read to the both of us actually, and it's _so_ lame, but I actually like it. I wasn't really keen of the idea at first, but I still didn't complain either. I have no idea how long had it been since I was last read by him, I must have been, I don't know, nine, ten years old maybe, but...there I was yesterday, lost in Daddy's words as if I was back when I was three. I missed that, you know?"

There was a moment of silence then before realization hit Ellie and she almost jumped on her spot.

"Oh, and I guess you _do_ know what book Max picked, right? He honestly does love that book. I know we all thought he'd grown out of it, but I think that was all just a big-boy front. He loves you guys did that for him, and I guess that makes him feel closer to you at some level now." Ellie stated then with a soft smile on her face.

"What do you think is that '_something_' that can make _me _feel closer to you, huh?" Ellie asked thoughtfully looking firmly at the stone. "I wanna have that something, you know? It's not as if I don't have memories of you, I do. I _really_ do, but I...Those just doesn't seem to be enough right now. I'd like something more. I..." She said softly, looking down as her eyes started to sting once again. "I can't help but wonder now how this all was for you…Did you have that something to remember your mom by? I guess you'd say your records, right? At least in Ellie's case? But I...I just _miss_ you mom. And…a lot, and like _all_ the time. It...It's a little crazy, in the mornings I can even pretend for a little while this is all just the worst of nightmares and I'll wake up soon enough but...It's not," She stated sadly as one lone tear fell from her eyes. "You wanna know the truth?" She asked as she looked up at the grave again.

"We all are a little pathetic if you look at us carefully. We are all trying to be strong, make you proud that way, you know? But…For example Aunt Brooke, or Sawyer, or even Daddy, since that day at the beach-house and then here that evening, I've hardly seen any of them cry ever since, and yet...we all are _always_ carrying puffy eyes and flushed cheeks like…_all the time_. It is as if we are afraid to show how we really feel, and how much it actually hurts. I...I think that's so wrong, and actually pretty messed up at some level," She said letting out a small watery chuckle.

She sobered all too soon glancing over at her surroundings; the amount of stones around her, including her grandmother's next to her mom's. "I hope she's taking good care of you," She stated as she returned her gaze to Peyton's grave. "And I hope that despite the obvious, things are okay with you wherever you are. I really hope so, and…You'd better keep your promise, okay? I don't wanna go on thinking you won't." She said firmly with a nod. "Hmm..." She muttered looking uneasily at the stone a few seconds later. "I went back to sad stuff, didn't I?" She asked smirking just a bit. "Oh well...Let me think about something nicer to lit up the mood. I guess that's only fair, I'd hate to make you worry even up there," She said looking up at the sky before shaking her head a little.

"Oh, Noah!" She said a little too loudly considering where she was but she still shrugged it off. Seemingly, she was the only one at the cemetery at that hour. "Lately he's been driving Sawyer crazy, but like _really_ crazy," She noted wide-eyed. "At the wake thingy they did for you...It was kind of awful by the way but that's not the point, the thing is...Noah was supposed to be with Will, but…You know that kid, it's not as if one person only can look after that little goof so he simply was all around the place during the thing. I actually think Noah was just looking out for Sawyer but still…since he couldn't find her, in the mean time he was having a blast climbing up on _everybody's_ laps chirping _'Hi'_ as he did so. People didn't mind, at least I don't think so, but Sawyer actually seemed a little lost about that new '_habit_' Noah picked up. I think it was fun though. I mean, despite everything that was going on in my mind that day I swear that boy managed to make me crack a smile."

"I guess he's lucky, right? Noah I mean. He met you at least. I...I hate the way things turned out to be, but I...I need you to know I never, not ever took _you_ for granted. I know I never was the most easy-going of daughters, I know actually I was a pain in the ass a lot of times, but... I don't ever want you to think that for one second I thought poorly of you. I...God, you know kids always want to be like their parents when they are little?" She asked fighting back her tears. "I never stopped wanting that. It didn't matter what I was saying, or if I was being sarcastic, or mocking you, or whatever. I...I always looked up at you and Daddy, and I knew I wanted that. I wanted to be strong enough as you were and get everything I dreamed of having…like you did."

A few tears slipped down to her cheeks, but she did no attempt in wipe them away. In a way, she was taking her own advice. She was not hiding her feelings inside. She was sharing them instead with the one person who had _always_ understood her.

"And remember what you told us about regret?" She asked a moment later, and gasped a little when her voice cracked. "I actually thought I'd told you everything I had to tell you, but I guess was wrong. I don't think I could ever put into words everything that I would always want to tell you. I guess if I could I might as well have to move in here with you," She said chuckling between her tears. "I...I am sorry mom. I am sorry for all the times I wasn't what you expected me to be. I'm sorry for the things I said that I shouldn't have, and I...I'm mostly sorry for the things that I didn't say. For the things I didn't do, and for everything that was left unsaid. I'm not sure what regret is, but I'm pretty sure what I feel right now seems to be a hell of a lot like it."

"I don't wanna feel this way, and I know I promised you I wouldn't, but things are so different now. I…I know it's been only a few days, but I don't think I am that same girl I was when you were here. I'm not used to the feeling but…it hurts. Most of the time it hurts simply to think about you, and although I know I don't want to feel that way, and although I _do_ try to feel differently, it's not easy. It hurts, and I…I'm just not sure how I am supposed to do it. Every time things got bad, I had _you_. I always did, and now everything simply feels wrong. And I…" She paused suddenly letting out a soft chuckle.

"Ellie Scott…Awake before eight…"

With a small smile on her face, Ellie looked down wiping the few tears that still stained her cheeks, and just after a moment looked back up huffing. "You really don't have to point it out," She said smirking slightly.

Sawyer let out a soft chuckle, and after kissing the side of Ellie's head, sat down beside her. "I didn't think I'd see you here," She noted casually.

Ellie turned to look at her, and then simply shrugged her shoulders. "I hadn't been here since that day, you know?" She said, somewhat uneasily.

Sawyer held her stare on her eyes for a few seconds before looking over at the still fresh dirt beside them. "I don't think that's wrong," She said understandingly. "I think we all are dealing with this in our own ways— and times. You came here now, right? Maybe you just needed a little time, kid." She said sweetly, placing her hand on the small of her sister's back.

Ellie smiled slightly, and after a moment leaned in, resting her head on Sawyer's shoulder. "I came to tell her I missed her." She said honestly, and felt when Sawyer simply nodded against her head. "I thought that maybe if I was here she'll hear me easier." She said quietly, and let silence settle for a moment. "You come here often?" She asked more into the air, but of course she was talking to Sawyer.

"The truth?" Sawyer asked back, tilting her head a little so that she was meeting Ellie's eyes.

"Yep," She replied simply.

"I do," Sawyer replied as she returned her eyes to the front where her mom's grave was. "It…It's been nine days, nine days where I've felt worst that I have ever before feel in my whole life, but then I come here, and I don't know…I guess I find comfort in just looking out for her. She came here for a reason once upon a time, right?" She asked, making Ellie smile at the way her voice was carrying some kind of hope.

"Yeah," Ellie replied with a small chuckle. "You…" She began a moment later. "Are you mad at her?" She asked so quietly Sawyer almost missed it.

She took a deep breath before replying. "I'm not," She said sincerely. "I…It's mom you know? We knew her, we still do, and all this…I think this all hurt her maybe even more than it is hurting us. You know she never, not _ever_ would have wanted us to deal with this but…It just wasn't in her power— I'm not. I'm not mad at her." Sawyer stated firmly, although by the time she finished her statement her eyes were fairly filled with tears.

"You?"

"Nope," Ellie replied softly but without hesitation. "Not anymore that is," She added with a small shrug. "But…I, Aunt–"

"Aunt Brooke?" Sawyer tried, as she pulled away slightly and caught sight of Ellie's eyes.

"Yeah," Ellie admitted uneasily. "She…I think she does seem a bit mad, but...I guess she'll get over it," She said turning to look at the grave before them.

"I can't blame her though," Sawyer added looking over at the stone as well. "But it still doesn't stops being hard. You know we are all dealing with this mess differently; and she…She's struggling, and struggling a lot, but she is still trying to put on a brave face for all of us…"

"She's still coming over a lot to the house." Ellie continued for her sister. "I thought that would maybe stop once…you know— But it hasn't, she keeps coming, and she talks to us, to Daddy. But then again, in a way it's completely different. She's not the Aunt Brooke we knew anymore in far too many ways. She…she simply doesn't smile as much, and…even when we were at the beach house with you, she…she still carried _her_ spark. She doesn't anymore." Ellie stated solemnly, swallowing hard, and looking down at her hands as she finished speaking.

"Maybe you could help her, you know?" Sawyer spoke softly a moment later, and saw as Ellie's head lifted up at her words. "Help us all deal with this. Maybe you can help us see what is that that we are supposed to do next. I don't expect it to be easy, but I _do_ expect you to help us."

"Me too," Ellie chimed in sending a small smile in Sawyer's direction. "Things are maybe settling down a little now, but we all know they are going to get…bad again soon."

Taking a deep breath Sawyer managed a nod. "It's just going to be tough, especially on Max, and…I'm sorry for that mom. I know you didn't want that for him, but…Just be with him, okay?" She said rather brokenly at last as a few tears finally made their way down to her cheeks.

"With all of us,"

* * *

**AN :** The epitaph I chose to be written in the stone were actually some words I saw in one stone like two winters ago in a road trip. Do not ask why we ended up inside the cemetery, but we did, and those words broke my heart so I kept them…

Anyways, again, thank you very much for reading.


	12. Alone

**Author's Note : **Hi! I really gotta apologize for the lack of updates lately, but oh well...blame it on 'Finals Week' plus 'Season Finales week' - First Clark became flippin 'Superman' last Friday (geek in me loved it lol), Castle (omg!) on Monday, Bones (freaking adorable!) today...it's been an emotional week to my heart, so bear with me till I start missing my shows for the summer and my writing fairy comes back LOL

Now school is over too, so thankfully, I'm gonna have more time to write! (yay!) - There is a lot I need to write & really want to so hopefully I'll be able to do it now {"For Blue Skies" is writing itself okay, I've just been a bit distracted from that one with a couple one-shots I _really_ wanted to write, & so at least the rough idea is written down now LOL I have enough backup chapters of that story already tho, so who knows, maybe soon I'll start posting it properly hehe}

Now, onto this chapter...Let's just say for a while I forgot what 'fluff' looked like & this chapter happened. Hope you liked it tho **:) **Flashbacks in _Italics_.

* * *

_Smiles will begin to fade,  
and tears will start to flow.  
When you're the last one there  
and this lonely feeling begins to grow. _

**Alone**

"_Ellie!"_

_Her sister's pleas; that was something she didn't often hear. Something she wasn't used to hear, and yet, there she was listening to them._

"_No..." Ellie said back stonily and turning around only enough to catch sight of her sister's eyes— no one else's._

_They fought a lot growing up, although it was never really fight. Little tiffs and arguments that never failed to appear every time they happened to see things differently._

_This one had been one of those times._

_Lies._

_If well for Ellie that was an absolute; you tell the truth, or otherwise you are lying, for Sawyer that fact wasn't so black and white._

_Especially not now. Now it was about Peyton, about their mom. Sawyer simply didn't have the might to be so righteous. They were only her daughters, and she was another human being just as they were. Sometimes it might seem as if they could, but in fact, they couldn't judge her— They didn't have the right to question her and held her accountable for things Peyton really wasn't the one to blame._

_She'd made a choice, and she'd actually been wrong. She'd made a mistake; Sawyer agreed one-hundred-percent with Ellie in that one. But the difference between the two of them was that unlike Ellie, Sawyer was seeing the bigger picture, which although painful and almost surreal, was a truth Ellie wasn't ready to deal with quite yet._

"_No." Ellie said again and just as stonily._

_Her voice was close to crack, and just as Peyton, and Lucas, and even Sawyer did, Ellie was well aware of the fact._

_Her eyes were fairly welled with unshed tears, and although she wanted to be angry, she wanted badly to be– she wasn't._

_She was scared._

_And then, the sound of the front door shutting powerfully, muffled however by the sounds of music and giggles in the backyard, was everything that they could all hear next._

_Ellie had a temper. That wasn't any news to anybody. All three of them shared that. All three of them were strong-headed, and self-righteous, and different, and yet so much alike._

_They were so much more than just mother, and daughters, and sisters._

_They shared something more. Something that tied them in a way that none of them could really explain; but in spite of that, it still tied them._

_Maybe that was the reason that made everything all the more difficult right now._

_If you love someone, you won't lie to that person. It's a simple fact they grew up knowing. Keep the people you love in the dark about your feelings and aches will never bring any good._

_It will only bring more pain, and heartache, even when the reasons that drove you to lie in the first place were 'good'._

_Then again, that's probably exactly the point for Ellie. No reason could ever be 'good enough' to justify a lie._

_You can't save someone from pain by lying. They had learned that early enough, and __**she**__ was the one who had taught them so._

"_I hate this place, and I hate what it means, and I hate __you__ for telling us."_

_There were a million answers Peyton could say to Ellie at that very moment. She could apologize, she could agree, she could try tears, she could walk away and let her calm down by herself, she could scold, or she could just...understand._

"_No you don't," Peyton said simply, sitting down beside her._

_All too often people underestimate silence. All it can do, all it can hide. There is maybe a quiet beauty behind it even though more often than not we'd try everything in our power to make it stop._

_Muffle the silence._

_Have you ever wondered if that is even possible?_

_Ellie was like that in any case. She'll do anything, and everything in her power to fill the quiet. To fill the quiet long enough until reaching that point in which not even her own thoughts are loud enough for her to make sense of them._

_She'd come here though. She'd come to the one place she was well aware only quiet she was going to find._

_That place held memories; sad ones rather than good ones, yet, Peyton had brought both her girls there earlier on._

_Why?_

_How could she be sure? One day she'd just felt the need to introduce them to that part of her life, and so she had._

"_Yes, yes I do. I hate it." Ellie replied sternly after a moment. "And I...I want you to go."_

"_Do you?" Peyton asked back simply._

"Max," Sawyer called upon _finally_ finding the little boy. "You really gotta stop doing this. You scared the crap out of us–"

"You said _crap_," Max interrupted pointedly, looking up at her with a small smile.

Sawyer rolled her eyes just a little, but nodded her head. "I said crap," She acknowledged just as pointedly. "But I also said you needed to stop doing this." She said as she sat down next to him in the dark. "What do you think you are doing all alone here? Especially today little man," She tried softly, tilting her head so that she was seeing right into the boy's eyes.

"I was hiding," Max told her honestly.

"Why is that?" Sawyer asked narrowing her eyes as she spoke. He was still on his PJs, his hair was a tangled mess of curls, and his eyes were maybe a little bit puffy out of crying.

He _shouldn't_ be crying, though. Especially _not_ today.

"Because," Maxie said simply with a shrug. "You know bad things always happen today. I just...I thought that if I pretended today wasn't today, then maybe bad things wouldn't happen."

"Oh baby," Sawyer said sweetly, reaching out her arms and pulling Max into a tight hug. "We don't have to pretend today is not today. That...That is simply not going to happen, kiddo." She said firmly, looking down at his eyes. "And you know what? You are wrong. Bad things do not always happen today and you should know that. The greatest of things happened eight years ago–"

"I'm your brother, that's why you have to say those things, but..." Max interrupted, but trailed off looking down uneasily at his hands.

Sawyer couldn't stop that need to protect that little boy. That was the truth, he was _little_, he was eight-years-old and yet for one so small boy his heart was simply too big. He'd been forced to grow up too fast in the last year, and although he didn't try, he somehow made things all the more harder for them. He should be keener into letting _them_ take care of him, and not the other way around. He should trust, and rely on them to look after _him_. He shouldn't act like the parent when he was the eight-year-old baby of the house.

And yet he was. Yet he had been acting that way for about ten months already, and just like Peyton's heart did before she left, Sawyer's was breaking even more at that very moment.

"You _are_ my baby-brother," Sawyer corrected him firmly a moment later. "But that is not why I say you are great. I say you are _great_ because _you are_. Because you and Noah are the two boys I love the most in the whole world, and that is not because you are my brother, is...is because of who you are. Is because of the boy you are growing up to be, and it's because...I love you, and because I'm proud of you with my every bone, Max. I don't say nice things because I _have_ to; I say those things because I feel them, all right? You...You have, nothing, _nothing_ to hide about. You can't doubt that, you hear me?" She asked with a smile, although somewhere along the way tears had started filling her eyes.

Max nodded warily, and Sawyer knew just how much he was fighting back his own tears as well. "I want momma," He said a moment later before a sob got in his way, and his body started shaking lightly beneath his sister's.

"_No," Ellie replied at last as she let one tear fell down to her cheek. She wipe it away harshly with her palm, and turned her head to look over at Peyton. "I don't want you to go," She said taking a deep breath in an attempt to keep her emotions in check._

"_What do you want then?" Peyton asked simply, and slightly shrugging her shoulders._

_Ellie stayed quiet for a moment, just watching into her eyes. "I want you to shut up," She said shaking her head a little, and she actually wasn't lying._

_Peyton knew at least that much so she obliged. She shifted her eyes off of her daughter's eyes and back to the river before them. In some way, she wanted to tell her what Brooke once told her in that very spot. Or at the very least, something like that. She'd like to tell Ellie that she wasn't going to lose her just as Peyton had lost her moms. _

_But she couldn't._

_She didn't know that._

"_Can I ask why?" Ellie asked softly after a few minutes of silence._

_Her voice wasn't carrying well. It wasn't carrying any kind of tease and playfulness as it most of the times did. The anger, and somehow even passion it carried before was gone too._

_Her voice was quiet, timid, and…full of fear._

"_It was my decision," Peyton replied her honestly and just as softly. "I'm not going to apologize for that,"_

_Ellie shook her head slowly at her words. "I don't understand." She admitted closing her eyes tightly, and taking in yet another deep breath. "You...We are your daughters, we are your family, and you simply shut us out...That was not fair mom, I...You should have told us. You should have trust us, and you shouldn't have lied. You really shouldn't."_

"_I heard it from your Dad, you know?" Peyton noted after a moment, trying somehow to ignore the guilt she couldn't not feel at Ellie's statement._

"_What exactly?" Ellie asked back without meeting her gaze._

_Peyton heaved a long sigh as though pulling herself together before replying. "About Ellie, that she was sick, I..."_

"_Were you mad at her? For not telling you herself? For..."_

"_Hide it for me?" Peyton filled in with a question she was mostly sure Ellie was going to ask._

"_Yeah," Ellie replied nodding, as she looked up fixing her eyes finally on Peyton's. _

"_Yeah, I guess I was, but I...I don't think I was precisely mad at her for not telling me, or because I heard it from Lucas, I...I was mad because she was sick." Peyton stated sincerely offering Ellie a helpless shrug._

_She honestly didn't know what else to tell her. The truth seemed as the only thing that might work, and what Ellie might actually need._

_In only seconds however, Ellie's eyes began to well with tears and all Peyton wanted to do was pull her into her arms and tell her things were going to be all right. _

_She didn't do it though; she just painfully saw as the tears little by little started falling. "I am mad that you are sick, too." Ellie said biting angrily her bottom lip. "I...I actually __hate__ that you are sick. And I hate that you've been dealing with all this on your own...You and Dad. You can say all you want, but I don't care if it was your decision or not, I think we deserved to know even if it hurts."_

_Reaching out her hand Peyton wiped a tear away from Ellie's cheek, and lingered her touch on her soggy skin. "You've been difficult from the start, you know?" Peyton pointed out rather casually and Ellie couldn't stop the bitter chuckle that escape her throat mixed with her tears._

"_Do you really think that's what I need to hear right now?" Ellie asked back incredulously. _

_Peyton faintly matched her chuckling, but shook her head. "No," She said with a small smile. "But it's the truth baby. Things with you were never easy. I loved you from the very moment I knew you were inside of me, but that didn't mean I was happy about everything that came along with you. You were stubborn, and willful long before you were even born. I don't think I've ever known another girl who got exactly what she wanted from the very moment she was born. You got me, your daddy, and your sister wrapped around that little finger of yours, and there was never a thing you didn't get one way or the other. I guess I always knew things with you were never going to be easy, but you know still I wouldn't trade the way you are for the world. You are who you are, and…You are a lot like..."_

_"I'm a lot like you are," Ellie filled in nodding her head a bit. _

"_Yeah," Peyton said softly, matching her motion. "For that I am sorry Ellie." _

"_You wish I wasn't?" Ellie asked shrugging her shoulder slightly._

_Without thinking Peyton's head start shaking a little from side to side. "No," She said decisively. "But...because of that I guess it is why I know exactly how you are feeling, and that...I swear I'd never wanted that for you baby."_

"She actually promised so," Maxie said a few minutes later when his weeping had died a little.

"I know monkey, but you know that wasn't her fault. I..." Sawyer trailed off looking down at him, and somehow studying his small features. He seemed so sad when he honestly shouldn't. "I _do_ know just how much she wanted to be with you today, buddy...Maybe she is, you know?"

Shaking his head slightly Max looked down, somehow burrowing himself deeper in Sawyer's embrace. "I don't wanna go out,"

"Come on, Max." Sawyer said trying as hell to sound hopeful. "We can't stay in the basement all day sweetie. It's...dark, and cold, and…It's your birthday Monkey. You know everybody is gonna want to see you, and hug you, and wish you '_Happy Birthday'_. Today's your day and…I told you, you really don't have anything to hide in here. What do you say Maxie? We don't have to do anything you don't want. We can stay snuggle in bed doing nothing if that's what you want, but let's get out of here, okay?"

"You'd lay with me?" Max asked back in response and all Sawyer could do was nod her head a couple times. His voice was so small, and carried such ache, and…fear.

"Of course, baby." Sawyer said sweetly kissing fondly to top of his head. "Whatever you like." She said as she gently moved his arms off of her, and stood up after him. Without really thinking, she scooped him up into her arms, and cradled him as closer to her body as she possibly could. A quiet chuckle escaped her lips as she made her way with him up the stairs though.

"What?" Maxie asked fairly puzzled, and with quite a questioning look on his face.

Sawyer allowed another chuckle to escape before actually replying. "You're getting big kid," She noted playfully as she adjusted him just right on her hip.

Max chuckled a little but did no attempt to lose Sawyer's hold for once second. For the contrary, as she finished talking he managed to wrap his arms around her neck even tighter than before.

"You know..." Sawyer began as they reached the boy's bedroom, and she settled him first on the bed. "I remember exactly the day that you were born,"

"You do?" Max asked back curiously, as he moved a little making space for Sawyer in his bed.

"Yeah," She said simply, adjusting herself on the bed, and pulling Max back into her arms. The boy rested his whole body against hers, and she instinctively started toying gently with his unruly curls. "We were all at Aunt Haley's..."

"Barbecue?" Max tried with a smile his sister matched.

"Barbecue," Sawyer agreed with a nod. "We were all there, and when I say all I mean _all _of us. Grandpa was even there, and Aunt Brooke, and Uncle Derek, even Will's parents were there. You weren't supposed to be born in another...like two days I think, but…then you just decided to come out sooner. It was still early when we had to run to the hospital, none of us actually got to eat," She said growling playfully. "But I don't know. I remember mom said she wasn't feeling very well since before we even left the house, but she then also said how much she wanted to go. She'd said in the end that she was just tired but still okay so we went. We were all by the pool; the boys and...well, and _Ellie_, they were playing ball in the water. I was with Kate, and Julie, and Alex sitting by the edge just talking and stuff. Mom had been out by the lounge seats with Aunt Brooke, and Aunt Haley— I only remember that one moment she was drinking lemonade, and the other she was calling out Dad to the side of the pool. I was looking right in their direction, and the look in Daddy's face was just _priceless_. In only mere seconds he went from overly flushed, to scary pale..."

"Why?" Max asked her with genuine curiosity carrying through his voice.

"He just had never been good for that kind of stuff, you know? Mom said he freaked out too when Ellie was going to be born. She said I should remember since I was there too, but between you and me, I don't," Sawyer said with a small chuckle, causing Maxie to laugh a little as well.

"What?" Ellie asked from the doorway startling them two a bit.

Sawyer looked up at her from the bed, and couldn't help but smile. "When you were born goof," She said with a small smirk, as she motioned Ellie to come and join them by the bed.

"Oh," Ellie said thoughtfully with a sheepish smile. She reached the bed, and sat at the edge silently for a few seconds before smiling in Max's direction. "Happy birthday little bud," She said sweetly, leaning forward and giving one fond kiss to her little brother's forehead.

Max smiled coyly as she pulled back from him and managed a smile. "Thank you," He said simply with a shrug.

Ellie simply nodded, and returned him the smile. "So," She said shifting her eyes up at Sawyer. "We're telling stories?" She asked rather happily, causing a smile to spread across her sister's face.

"Yeah, kinda," Sawyer replied with a nod. "I was telling him about the day he was born, but for some reason you ended up appearing in his story," She said somewhat jokingly before letting out a chuckle.

"Daddy was pretty freaked out," Ellie said knowingly looking back down at Max. "I've never seen him act so...I don't know, crazy, yet, ecstatic. That was still a pretty good day Maxie. We didn't get to eat anything though, but it was still quite an awesome day." She said firmly, and nodding as she spoke.

"It was," Sawyer agreed looking down at her baby brother. "Mom...God, she was brave," She said nodding strongly. "I...I mean...It hurts, you know?"

"He doesn't need to know that!" Ellie chimed in shaking her head goofily. "Mom didn't care it hurt Max," She said firmly looking at the boy and then up somewhat disapprovingly at Sawyer. "She was just happy she was finally going to meet you. We...We stayed most of the time with her, right?"

"Yeah," Sawyer replied with a nod. "We and Daddy, none of us moved from her side until they took her up so that the doctors could actually take you out. You were..."She paused looking up the ceiling and biting slightly her lower lip.

"He was bigger than you or me where when we were born," Ellie helped.

"He was," Sawyer agreed, but still kept trying to come out with just the right fact. "You were almost nine pounds when you were born I think. You were actually a pretty, _pretty_ big chubby boy." She said smiling down at Max.

"I think Mom hold you all that night. She…She was really in awe because you were finally in her arms. You should have seen that smile on her face as she held you. That…That's one of those things that stuck with you, you know?" Ellie said more to herself than to her siblings, but still the emotion her voice was carrying wasn't lost on anyone. "She was happy, like _really_ happy that day and you…You were the cutest little boy," She said with a chuckle finally focusing back in her brother.

Maxie chuckled as well but didn't hesitate in shaking his head a bit at her statement. "You said the same thing of Noah when he was born. I remember," He said pointing to his head.

Ellie chuckled at his comment, but nodded her head.

He was right. Damn kid was always right!

"Noah's a pretty cute boy too, I…I guess I only said that so Sawyer wouldn't feel bad," Ellie fixed it for the boy teasingly, and earned a smack to her arm from her sister. "What? I can't please you all, now can I?" She cried jokingly before she started chuckling.

Maxie and Sawyer matched her laughter but all three of them paused all too soon when Lucas peeked his head into the room.

"_I hate when you guys cry; you, Sawyer, Maxie." Peyton started firmly, after a few silent moments. "I simply can't take it."_

_Ellie looked over at her eyes, and for a few seconds she remained quiet as well. "I hate lies," She said genuinely trying not to sound sarcastic but the roll of Peyton's eyes let her know just how much she'd failed._

"_I know that," Peyton said pointedly. "Try another one. What else do you hate Ellie Scott?"_

_The question lingered in the air for a moment before Ellie let out an ironic laugh. "I hate, but like really hate, when people thinks...actually when people __**assumes**__ my name is Elizabeth," She bit out before closing her eyes tightly somewhat apologetically at the look Peyton put on her face at her words. "No offence," She added quite smugly as she reopened her eyes. "But I actually do. I go by Ellie but that doesn't mean my name is Elizabeth, and that actually bugs me." She stated firmly but Peyton couldn't stop a chuckle from escaping her lips._

_As her chuckles died, Ellie's did too so she brushed off the horrific pain she was feeling and asked again. "What else do you hate?"_

"_I too hate lies," Peyton said after a moment of musing over her answer._

_Ellie shook her head at her words and attempted to stand up from her spot. Peyton grabbed her wrist strongly and Ellie closed her eyes tightly letting out a breath. "I hate that you are sick." She said shakily, just as Peyton pulled her back down, and grabbed her tightly into her arms at last._

"_I hate it too, baby." She said into Ellie's hair, as she stroked gently her back. "I...I am sorry,"_

_Ellie shook her head again, and with tear tracks staining her cheeks, she looked up at Peyton. "Is it...is it...bad?" She asked so softly as if fearing for the answer._

_Peyton took a deep breath at her question, and somehow that was enough answer for Ellie. She tried to pull away from Peyton's embrace, but she didn't let her. Instead, held her even tighter to her body as her girl finally let go of everything she was carrying inside, and started crying._

_A few minutes went by, and when Ellie was seemingly calmed, Peyton pushed away slowly from her and tenderly brushed some straight blond locks off her face. "I'm sorry Ellie, all right? I am sorry I lied to you and your sister and…I'm sorry this had to happen. I...I don't know what's going to happen next but I...You and your Daddy…and Maxie and Sawyer, if I'm going down, I'm going down fighting baby. I don't want to leave you. Any of you."_

"And so I thought I was going to be the first one congratulating you big man," Lucas said by the doorway, and for some reason, the hope his voice was carrying did nothing short of miracles putting smiles on all his three children's faces.

Maxie shrugged his shoulders from the bed where he was well snuggled in between his sisters, and sent a teeny smirk in his father's direction. "They beat you Daddy," He said simply and Lucas had to smile as he walked closer to them and then swiftly pulled Max out of the bed, and into his arms for a hug.

Wordlessly, he held the boy close to his body for some good minutes until Maxie growled lightly upon being left without air. Lucas let out a watery chuckle, and slightly let go of him. When Max caught sight of Lucas' eyes, his smile almost immediately changed for an uneasy twist. "It's okay, Daddy," He said softly, reaching out his hand, and wiping one lone tear that had fallen from Lucas' eyes. "Momma always kept her promises. She never lied." He said shaking his head just a bit."She said she'd be here for my birthday, so...Sawyer said so, maybe she is somehow." He said softly, and Lucas could only nod in response as he rubbed small, lazy circles on his little boy's back.

Both girls then stood up from the bed as well, and quietly the two of them made their way to where Lucas and Maxie stood, and without really thinking they wrapped their arms tightly around both boys, pulling them all in that once familiar hug they used to share but that now somehow wasn't whole anymore.

Something was missing— Something was always missing now.

_The flying souls and silent nights, reach on until lonely hours.  
All alone these soldiers will march, because they're the lonely soldiers. _

* * *

**AN : **Both flashbacks are from the day of Maxie's birthday, just with a two year gap. Next chapter is like a "To be continued" to this one. We're still on Maxie's birthday, & will get a few more flashbacks. (Only one more with Ellie&Peyton by the bridge) Thanks for reading :D


	13. Always

**Author's Note : **It took me a while to update, I know. I suck a little, but a lot has been going on lately, so I apologize. Next update is going to be up sooner than this one did, I promise.

All in all, I hope you are still enjoying this story. This one isn't a happy chapter per se, but I'll try so the next one isn't at least as sad. Hope you all like it of course :)

Flashbacks are in Italics. The first one is a continuation from Peyton/Ellie's conversation in the last chapter after she found out Peyton had been 'lying' to them. The second flashback happened way before, and in fact was kind of fun and cute to write. Hopefully you'll like it!

* * *

_I thought it would never happen…at least not to us.  
I thought you'd always be here.  
What happened just isn't fair.  
I never thought this could hurt so much_

**Always**

"_So this isn't the first time?"_

"_No," Peyton replied solemnly. Her face was down, but she wasn't ashamed, she just felt...sad, and maybe disappointed on herself at some level too even though she had yet to figure out the reason to that._

"_You…You must have been like five-years-old I think...I remember because at the time you were still like attached at my hip or something; we still hang out together like all the time." Peyton said only half-serious with a chuckle Ellie couldn't really match for the life of her. "Your Daddy was actually out of town. He'd gone to LA so it was just you, your sister and me for a while. It had been quite a crazy few weeks without Lucas, but he was anyway coming home in only a couple more weeks so we were hanging in there– It was a bit past noon one day –a Wednesday, when I had your sister waking me up. She was just nine at the time. I remember her still on her PJs climbing up on the bed with me. She pulled my arm up and…just wrapped herself under it and snuggled next to me…I woke up then…Sawyer told me that everything was okay, that I just had overslept a little. She told me that she had tried calling your Daddy to tell him I've slept in, but that he hadn't answer, that his 'funny machine' had picked up instead, so she decided she'd help me out a little. She fixed you both some cereal that morning, and when I asked for you, she told me you were in your room napping. She said she'd just thought she'd keep me company since apparently I was so tired– I knew then things were wrong." _

"_I don't remember," Ellie chimed in quietly, shaking her head slightly._

"_You were too little," Peyton explained looking up at her eyes. "There is no reason why you should remember; for you, Mommy was just tired as Sawyer told you. Things...It wasn't as bad though. At least not then. It was actually caught early on, and four months later I was cleared up, but..."_

"_It came back," Ellie filled in for Peyton when her voice faded._

_Slowly, Peyton managed a nod as she let out a quiet "Yeah."_

"_You thought this time it was going to be like the last time?" Ellie asked, moving closer to her mom, as though knowing she needed the closeness._

"_Not really," Peyton replied after a moment, as she instinctively wrapped her arms around Ellie's frame. "This time from the beginning we knew just how bad it was. I...The day Sawyer came home from DC–"_

"_That was just a few days after my birthday," Ellie interrupted thoughtfully. "You were okay that day. We went out for dinner, and you...you were happy." She said rather puzzled as she pushed away slightly from her mom's arms and stared into her eyes dubiously._

"_I was happy that day," Peyton granted simply, with a small shrug of her shoulders. "Your sister was getting married, I...I wasn't going to ruin that. I couldn't, I was happy for her, and..."_

"_If Sawyer hadn't showed up?" Ellie interrupted pointedly once again. "If it would have been a regular day, you think you would have told us then?" She asked, narrowing her eyes a little._

_Peyton stayed silent for a moment before shaking her head. "I wouldn't have," She said simply. "I wouldn't have told you today if it had been in my power."_

"_Mom…" Ellie somewhat pleaded uneasily._

"_I wouldn't have," Peyton repeated. "I would have done everything to save you from all that you are feeling right now."_

_Ellie opened her mouth to retort, but closed it back again when she realized she really didn't know what else to say._

_With a soft smile, Peyton stood up from her spot and reached her hand out for Ellie to grab, and stand up as well. "We gotta go Ellie-boo. I don't want Maxie thinking I'm skipping his own birthday."_

"You know you got it after your Mommy, right?"

Maxie smiled a little to himself before turning around to look at her. "She once told me so," He said quietly.

Brooke matched his little smile, and nodded her head. "I can remember finding your mom just this way a lot of times when we were younger. She used to say how the darkness felt somehow safe. What do you have to say about that, huh?" She asked, as she sat down next to him back in the corner of his cupboard.

"I guess it's easy," Max replied taking Brooke a little aback. The boy could hardly be eight years old, and yet he could easily come out with comments that left her hanging for a bit more of explanation.

All in all, she couldn't honestly expect any less though; he was Lucas and Peyton's child ultimately.

"Easy?" Brooke asked a moment later with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah," Max replied simply turning slightly so that he was seeing right into his Aunt's eyes. "Here you can pretend all those people aren't outside, you can pretend nothing is as scary…" He said seriously, and for some reason tears built immediately in the corners of Brooke's eyes. "I could stay here forever if only it stopped being scary…"

"Your Mommy told you all that, didn't she?" Brooke asked even though she already knew the answer to that.

"Yep," Max replied quietly. "She said you used to hide from it all with her. She…She was eight too when she knew you were always going to be her best friend."

Brooke smiled a little, even though she was having a really hard time stopping her tears from falling. "I think we hid because we were afraid, too." She admitted looking tenderly in the boy's direction.

Max stared thoughtfully into her eyes for a few moments before his eyes fell into a squint. "Afraid of what?"

Taking a deep breath, Brooke pulled him into her arms, and instinctively rubbed small circles to his back. "Afraid of everything that we didn't know could happen next, you know? I think we were somehow worried of how our lives where going to turn out like. But…You know what I think now about that?"

"What?" Max asked softly looking up at her.

"That we shouldn't have been all that scared," Brooke replied with a small smile. "We were never sure how our lives were going to be, but now, after all these years, and even though it hasn't been easy, I'm sure your mom wouldn't have been scared if she'd know just everything she was gonna get. _You_…" She said sweetly, tapping Maxie's nose. "Your Daddy, your sisters…There was a time when it was just the two of us, you know? We really didn't have anyone else to rely on; it was she and I only. Every time the world became too scary to deal with, we always had each other's back, and…that was enough most of the times. Your Mommy was there every single time that I needed her, and although I know how what happened to her wasn't fair, I…I wouldn't trade any of the days I spent with her for the world."

"Me either," Max said softly, snuggling deeper into Brooke's embrace. "Where you there?" He asked a moment later, lifting his head slightly.

"There where?" Brooke asked back a little confused, shaking her head.

"When Mommy was eight?" Max elaborated simply.

Brooke looked up thoughtfully for a second before nodding. "I actually was," She said firmly. "You…Your grandma was still around at the time."

"Mommy's mom?" Max chimed in asking sadly.

"Yeah, buddy." Brooke said somewhat apologetically. She'd know just how much Peyton had wanted to be there for that little boy's birthday, and the fact that she couldn't broke her heart a little bit more every time the thought crossed her mind.

Twelve days was all she would have needed. Twelve.

"What did she do for her?" Max asked when his aunt's voice faded.

"Oh," Brooke said shaking her head a little as reality set back in. "I remember there was a small party. In the backyard of their house, we…there were a lot of kids from our classroom, but your mom wasn't all too keen about them," She said growling playfully. "I remember that against _my_ wishes actually, your mom and I spent most part of the party with your grandma by the kitchen, or upstairs in her room…Let's say your mama was a little more eager about some of her presents than the party downstairs too…"

"What did they give her?"

"A keepsake box actually," Brooke replied rather thoughtfully. "At least that was what your Grandma gave her. She made it herself, you know? She told Peyton how every little girl should have a special place to keep all those little things that made life important."

Maxie smiled at her words, and nodded his head a bit. "I bet she was a cool momma," He mused, and Brooke couldn't stop the chuckle from escaping her throat.

"She was buddy," She said sweetly, leaning forward and kissing Max's head. "So how about we go out now and you get to see what you are getting this year?" Brooke tried happily, but it took her longer to say the words than for Max's face to fell. "We can stay a little bit longer in your room if you want?" She tried once again. "But you still need to know how your Aunt Haley sent me especially to take you down to her. She made a cake for you, you know?"

Coyly, Max managed a smile. "She always ended up making it anyway," He noted and Brooke chuckled.

That boy hadn't spoken truer words.

"Baking just wasn't your mom's thing, but she always still managed to make your birthdays pretty special, didn't she?" Brooke asked raising playfully her eyebrows. Max simply nodded with a small smile tugging on his lips. "Your mom really loved that keepsake your Grandma gave her, you know? What about you? Do you have a gift your mom gave you that you think you love as much as she loved that li'l box?"

"Yeah," Max replied quietly, looking up slowly to meet Brooke's gaze. "My book"

"_Eeeek,"_

"_No, no 'eek', and no 'ew', you hear me?" Peyton tried strongly but all she got in response was her son bursting into laughter in her face. "It isn't funny!" She said seriously, taking a dishcloth from the counter. "It's not funny!" She cried again as she –attempted– to clean up Maxie's mucky hands…and face, and hair, and lap…_

"_Ohhh," Max cried playfully patting Peyton's head with both his clammy hands._

"_You're making me all…sticky," Peyton whined pulling away from his hold on her. "You…you are a mess kid, but just because you are one, it doesn't mean I have to be too." She stated trying to sound as serious as she could, but Max's mischievous grin let her know just how he was taking her everything but serious. "You need to eat, all right? Just a bit?" She tried holding his spoon up one more time._

"_Agh," Max said from his highchair, shaking his head from side to side, and lifting his hand in front of his face so the spoon couldn't make its way to his mouth._

_Peyton rolled her eyes a little, and before she could say another word, Sawyer waltzing into the kitchen made her close her mouth._

"_That kid is so gonna be the death of you," _

_Peyton couldn't help herself and had to roll her eyes one more time although a small chuckle escaped her lips as well. "I doubt it," She bit out playfully, attempting for what seemed the hundredth time that evening to clean up b__utternut squash __off Max's face. "He thinks he's so smart but he doesn't know me all that well still. I ain't giving in to you mister." She stated goofily. "I'm certainly not letting a smug-nine-month-old sidekick beat me–"_

"_Eeeee!" Max interrupted his mom's ramble as if he honestly hadn't listen to a word she'd spoken. "Eee" He said again squirming and reaching his arms out in Sawyer's direction._

"_No!" Peyton called strongly, turning to glare –slightly- at Sawyer as she attempted to oblige Max's wishes, and pick him up._

"_Okay! I won't lift him, promise!" Sawyer said mocking surrender with both her hands up in the air._

_Peyton shook her head as she returned her attention to the boy. "Listen to me; you are gonna eat now, and then we're both gonna take a shower. What do you say?" She asked staring powerfully into his bright blue eyes._

_Max stared back at her just as serious, but still his focus was fast taken away. "Dada, dada, dada!" He called up impatiently when Lucas and Ellie made their way into the kitchen as well._

_When his words left his muggy mouth, Peyton's face fell inevitably. She could glare all she wanted in Lucas' direction...He would pick him up either way._

"_He's trying to eat," She cried helplessly when Maxie started giggling when Lucas lifted him up._

"_I think he's full enough already, aren't you?" Lucas said triumphantly to the boy in his arms, before he bent forward and dropped a kiss to Peyton's head. "Hi," He mumbled against her hair and she growled, smacking him softly with the dishcloth she still was holding in her hands._

"_But…he…ah, yeah whatever...Hi," Peyton greeted Lucas at last as she turned and caught sight of Ellie for the first time that evening. "What's with the face?" She asked sounding maybe just a little more annoyed that she'd intended._

_But in all honesty, who could blame her? Spend two hours or so trying vainly to feed a boy, and then you'll know what annoyance is._

"_Nothing," Ellie said scoffing slightly as she moved closer to her sister by the fridge. "You remember that movie...? The one of the baby loose in the city?" She asked more so into the air as she took a box of juice out of the fridge._

_As she turned around again all she found were confused looks –including Max's- so she decided to elaborate. "Baby's Day Out. You know, the kid who's kidnapped and stuff. Maxie reminded me of him. That boy has antics worth a whole movie and even more. I'm sure people could use the laugh." She said with a chuckle before moving closer to Peyton, and wrapping her arm around her shoulders sympathetically. "It'd be a hit."_

"Your mom was the one who got the idea, you know?" Lucas chimed in peeking his head inside his boy's dark closet.

Max looked up at him with a small smile on his face. "She told me it had been Ellie's." He told him back pointedly.

"Well...Yeah," Lucas let out thoughtfully. "But not really," He added as he lifted Maxie up from the floor. Before he stepped back into the bedroom however, he offered Brooke a soft smile, and motioned her with his head to get up and come with them too. "Ellie wanted to make a whole movie about you," He continued as they reached the boy's bed, and he took a seat at the edge with Max in his lap. "Your mom was the one who thought of a book."

"That was when he was...?" Brooke trailed off asking, as she sat herself on the bed as well.

"He was about two when the book finally came out," Lucas replied simply. "He wouldn't stop saying _"Me, me, me_." Every time he caught sight of the book showcased anywhere." He said with a chuckle Brooke tried to match.

"I actually do remember that," She said looking down fondly at Max anyway. "I don't think I ever saw Peyton prouder than when that book was finally published."

Lucas nodded his head at her words and at the memory before instinctively kissing the top of Max's head. "I think she was prouder of you though," He mumbled with a smile as he pulled back from the boy.

Brooke ruffled playfully Max's curls, and nodded her head as well. "That's very true," She said smiling softly.

"The beginning is my favorite part," Ellie chimed in from the doorway. All three looked at her from the bed and she simply shrugged smiling sheepishly. "What? That's the part where Sawyer and I appear the most," She justified as she moved to the bed.

"Haley...?" Lucas asked giving Ellie a knowing look.

Ellie smiled at him and nodded her head. "Yup," She said simply squishing her nose up. "She's getting a little edgy downstairs, so she asked me to come and get you all. She said Sara's been asking for you," She said sweetly, patting her little brother's nose.

Max looked at her twisting his lips a little before he lifted his head meeting Lucas' eyes. "The first part is my favorite too, it's fun." He said flashing a tiny smile and not even attempting to hide the fact that he simply didn't want to go down.

Lucas huffed but smiled back at the boy. "Those were some pretty crazy months before you were born kiddo. I think your sisters were pretty close to drive your mom nuts–"

"Hey!" Ellie cried indignantly smacking slightly Lucas' arm. "_You_ were the one who told us how we _had_ to take care of mom_ all_ the time; we were just doing what you told us." She said pouting just a bit.

"Okay, yes," Lucas granted rolling his eyes a little. "We just didn't want anything to happen to you, or…her." He explained honestly but those last words alone were enough to make silence overtake them all.

"_Whoa, so this is quiet." Lucas noted with a chuckle by the doorway._

_Peyton jumped a little on her spot, but turned to look at him with a small smile on her face. "Shush…" She called with her forefinger over her lips, and gesturing him to Max soundly asleep at her side of the bed._

_Lucas formed a perfect 'O' with his lips as realization hit him. "Sorry," He amended quietly, as he moved closer to the bed,_

_He dropped a kiss against Peyton's head, before leaning down and pressing a soft one to Maxie's cheek as well. "Nine-thirty," He whispered just loud enough for her to listen._

_Peyton let out a quiet chuckle nodding her head. "I know," She said widening her own eyes. "Gotta be a new record,"_

_Lucas matched her chuckling as he settled down beside her, pulling her body into his. "What you're working on?" He asked taking a sketchbook off her lap._

"_Nothing," Peyton said softly taking it back – far too quickly. "Just…Ellie..."_

_Lucas interrupted her with a chuckle as he lifted the sketchbook from her hands again, and at last caught proper sight of her doodle. "Max," He pointed out looking down into her eyes._

_Peyton looked up at him smiling sheepishly. "What?" She said shrugging a little, trying not to care about the way he was staring at her. It was cute...but it also a little taunting. "Elle's right, you know? And since I can't make movies, this is what I got. Plus, this ain't the first time I draw them and you kn–"_

"_Hey, shush!" Lucas hushed her putting his finger over her lips. "I was just saying," He said jokingly. "It is kind of beautiful," He noted as he saw the drawing properly one more time –every detail of it. "Love the pea tangled in your hair," He added laughing slightly, upon seeing the very playful sketch of the scene that had just unfolded between his family downstairs._

"_Well...I kinda like it," Peyton said as she too looked over at her drawing. "Maxie kind of pictures well, doesn't he?" She asked needlessly. Of course she knew the answer, but it never harm listen to the answer again._

"_He does." Lucas agreed letting out the smallest of chuckles. "I think the boy would like to see all the horseplay he's putting us all through when he gets older. It may be a little embarrassing too, I guess, but I think it'll also be a nice memory for him to have. Who would want photographs when they have Peyton Sawyer as their mom, huh?" He asked kinking playfully his eyebrows. "Oh, well...Unless Sawyer is the one taking the pictures, of course," He added pointedly and Peyton had to laugh._

_After her chuckles died, she nodded her head smugly though. "Well, yeah," She said winking at him, before smiling thoughtfully. "It still works the same, you know?" She said shrugging slightly a moment later._

"_What is that?" Lucas asked softly as he leaned back on the bed with Peyton safely locked in his arms._

"_Drawing, it…It still takes my mind away of things, and it's mine. I do what I do, and I do what I want." She stated with a goofy smirk on her lips, and Lucas so had to kiss her._

"_Well, I'm glad you still do." He said against her lips, and for some reason she couldn't stop the giggle that escaped her throat. "You know I can always help you,"_

"_Oh, yeah?" Peyton asked fairly mischievously as she turned in his arms so that she was facing him. "How could you do that? I'm sorry to break this to you babe, but you suck at any attempt of scribbling," She stated, goofily patting his cheek._

"_Ha-ha," Lucas growled playfully, shaking his head. "First of all, I do not suck!" He said pouting slightly. "And secondly, I didn't mean by drawing, dork! I mean...We could make it right, you know? The real thing; you'd do the funny doodles, and I'd do the legends. We might not be able to please Ellie making a whole movie out of Maxie, but we might as well tell the world the story of our boy in our own way together. After all, you're an artist, and I'm a writer, we'd make an awesome team. We already are actually," He stated so seriously, his words even took Peyton a little aback._

"_We actually are a pretty good team," She agreed sheepishly a moment later anyways. "Maybe we could. Maybe it'll be fun and even kind of therapeutic to share with everybody just how crazy these months with him had been." She said only half-serious, as she turned around snuggling back into his arms. With a smile, she reached her hand out and brushed away gently some of Maxie's clammy curls off his forehead. "I don't care what people have to say. This feels right no matter what."_

_Lucas smiled and nodded his head at her words. "It is right," He agreed simply. "I don't think nobody can truthfully tell you when the right time to have babies is. And yet, if someone happened to ask me that question now, I'd say the feeling is the same whether you are 20 or 30something or 40 or 60…When they smile at you and make you smile back at them, I'd say we are doing just the right thing."_

"_Yeah...Yeah, we are."_

"We can step outside if you want to buddy," Brooke offered upon the hesitation she was seeing on her nephew's face.

"Yeah, we should." Lucas agreed with her standing up from the bed already, and motioning Sawyer and Ellie to do so as well.

"No, Daddy." Maxie spoke at last shifting his eyes from the envelope in his hands, and instead looking up at his dad's eyes. "I think you all should stay,"

"You sure?" Sawyer asked softly looking right into the boy's eyes.

Max smiled at her nodding his head a little bit. "Yup," He said simply. "I don't think momma would mind…"

Lucas took a deep breath at his words, but just after a moment took again his seat on the boy's bed the same way as everybody else did. Max was in the center holding a letter with his name written after a colorful '_Happy Birthday'_.

Lucas gave it to Maxie right before he'd agreed to come down after Sawyer came into the room calling out for him as well. Surprisingly enough, it hadn't been so hard for Lucas not to read the letter before that day. Of course he wanted to know what she wrote, but…it just wasn't his place. She'd written it for Maxie, and Lucas was only conceding her wishes.

She wrote more letters, or so she'd told him so. Peyton had told him one day, in absolute jest in spite of it all, how he wasn't the only one in the family who could put a couple words together, and made them sound nicely. Lucas had barely smile at her comment, but it was simply _too_ damn hard to do something more back then– even now it was still _hard_.

"I'll read it aloud?" Max asked a few seconds later, his voice carried uneasy, and in more than one way, they all knew he really wasn't asking. Maybe it was easy if they all listen to whatever she wrote at the same time.

"Only if you want to, Bud," Lucas fixed it for him with a small shrug of his shoulders.

Max nodded his head looking down at the letter. It took him at least a couple more minutes to open the envelope, and at least six more to take the piece of paper out of it.

It was silly somehow. He wanted badly to read it, more than anything else actually. Yet he couldn't find in himself the might to read it as fast as his heart was telling him so.

It maybe seemed so..._final._

A squeeze to his knee made Max look up. He shook his head a little looking right into Ellie's eyes. She smiled softly at him and he tried his best to smile back.

–_Dear Maxie,_

_I know you shouldn't be reading this, I should actually be telling it to you instead, but...I guess we both know by now how things not always turn out the way we wanted them to. It's okay though buddy, that doesn't mean we can't be happy, or not enjoy what we do have, okay?_

_As a matter of fact, I guess we are lucky because we now know just how very important is each second that we spend with the people we love. I know that because of that you'll appreciate them more…_

_Today is your birthday Monkey Boy and that's anyway the point of this letter. You can ask your Daddy, or any of your sisters, I'm sure they'll agree with me in this one; but it does feel like yesterday that we brought you home from the hospital– do not mind your mama being a cliché herself, but I'm not lying. You were this wrinkled little bundle that we all loved from the very start and that's the truth kiddo, so you can't ever doubt it, okay?_

_Today is your birthday and I just want you to know how much I love you– I always have. I love you so, so much that it hurts sometimes. But it is not a bad kind of hurt. It is in a good way, just like with your Daddy, and Sawyer, and Ellie…You know how I can't have a favorite daughter, right? But nobody ever told me there is something wrong if I say you are my favorite son. You know you are my favorite boy in the whole world and you are always going to be, all right? Don't tell your Daddy that though, but we'll both know that's the truth. And if he happens to be next to you as you read this...Hmm, tell him then that I am sorry but that you got a bit more of my heart than he does..._

_I'm sorry for many things right now; mostly I'm sorry you are reading this today. You shouldn't be, so...for that I am sorry, baby. I don't know if it's selfish or not, but I know that wherever I am when you are reading this, I'd want to be holding you instead. I hate that, I hate that I'm not there wishing you a happy birthday the way I should but...One way or the other I promise you I'd be there with you the day of your birthday –this year and until you're a wrinkled old man again. I'm always going to be there for you. I don't care if I have to put up a fuss with the man upstairs, all right? You are always going to have me, baby. All of me._

_But okay… before you end up having a letter stained with your momma's tears_**–**_or your Daddy wakes up next to me– Whatever happens first_**–**_ I guess I'd just say one last thing; that I love you and that not one day has passed by when I have not felt incredibly blessed for having you in my life._

_I'm so, so sorry I put you through so much, but…You gotta remember, okay? If you get through this graciously as I know you are, then I'm sure you'll get through whatever life decides to put on your way today and always, Monkey. _

_Happy Birthday…_

_I love you._

_PS: Eat all the cake you want, you hear me? Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Today is your day, baby..._

_Love_

–_Mom_

"I love you, too."

_I wish I could see you again; see you laugh and smile.  
And when things go wrong; I wish you were here to say, "It's okay." and give me a big hug.  
I wish I could change what happened..._


	14. Solace

**Author's Note : **You know I'd love to say that this is the kind of story where things have to get worse before they get better, but sadly I think we've already seen as better as it could get, and instead, what's left now it's pretty much rock-bottom (I'm sorry! lol) -This chapter is a little 'lighter' than the rest that are yet to come, and actually wasn't in the original plan of this fic, but upon too much sadness I decided to write it in, and it was really quite nice to write anyways so hopefully you'll like it hehe! :D

Two timelines, both happened in the past {no more present time} **:** + Since the last few chapters have been a bit 'heavy' on the Ellie side, we got Sawyer in this one :) Hope you like it!

PS : Around OneYear ago I actually began writing "Far Away" , so it is pretty cool I kept writing more stories and you guys actually read them! THANKS!

* * *

_Life does not consist mainly, or even largely, of facts and happenings.  
It consists mainly of the storm of thought that is forever flowing through one's head_

**Solace**

"_Come on, take it," Peyton said giving her daughter a knowing look. "You know it helps," She added, sheepishly shrugging her shoulders, as she handed her over a big bowl of ice-cream**—** it was her favorite; cookies n cream- the girl had to take it, Peyton knew that._

_Sawyer however, sighed heavily before even looking up at her. She did so eventually anyway, and with a pout on her lips she grabbed the bowl from her mom's hands. "It does," She agreed grumpily._

_Peyton smiled just a little as she sat down next to Sawyer on the bed. It was a Saturday night no less, and it wasn't as she minded her daughter was at home, that wasn't it, she loved having her oldest around, it was just that Peyton would honestly give anything so she weren't there._

_That hint of sadness in Sawyer's eyes was something Peyton wasn't used to look at, and when she did, it simply broke her heart. "You know you could solve all of it if you only talk to him, right?" She said more so into the air, but still reaching her hand out, and squeezing timidly Sawyer's knee. "You just gotta...you know, let go of your pride kid."_

_Sawyer let out a shaky breath putting down the ice-cream. "You know that's not true," She said firmly although she was looking down at her lap._

_With a sigh, Peyton moved closer to her and wrapped tightly her arms around Sawyer's small frame. It was a bit strange, sometimes when she hold her like that it was as if she was back with the six-year-old version of her daughter needing the closeness when something just hadn't go her way._

_This time it was different still. Peyton knew Sawyer was actually hurting right now and although in Peyton's eyes the solution was right there, easy for her to take, she knew than in the eyes of her sixteen-year-old daughter everything didn't seem all that easy and all that clear._

_She still wanted to help. All that much she had clear in her own mind._

"_Maybe so," Peyton said a moment later as she tenderly stroked her girl's back. "But I do know is part of it. If you'd..." Closing her eyes, she paused upon the quiet sniffle that escaped her daughter. Peyton heaved a long sigh looking down at her. She tucked a few of her curls behind her ear, and with a sad smile on her face made her look up at her. "Things are only as bad as you wanna see them, baby." She said soothingly wiping a lone tear off her daughter's cheek. "Or they can just be as easy as you want instead,"_

_Sawyer shook her head decisively, burrowing it even deeper in her mom's chest. "It's not easy," She mumbled quietly, never stopping her motion with her head. "He...He's leaving mom."_

_Peyton sighed once again, and nodded her head. If she were being honest with herself, she knew she didn't know exactly how to answer her, or what was that right thing that she should tell Sawyer. It was a fact Peyton could never master the art of long-distance relationships herself…but then again, even if from afar it didn't work out all so well between her and Lucas, the fact that she was there now holding their daughter must meant something anyway, right?_

_They've got over those years, and hopefully, if only what she thought Sawyer felt for William was what she really felt, maybe…just maybe, they could get over it too._

"_Yeah, but that doesn't mean he's leaving you, is he?" Peyton asked a little more stronger than she intended to, but she still needed to get her point across. _

"_Mom..." Sawyer pleaded softly, looking up into her eyes._

_Peyton felt her heart break a little more at the way Sawyer's eyes glistened with unshed tears. She closed her own eyes for a moment shaking her head a few times. "You made a decision," She said with a sigh pushing away slightly so that the two of them could see into each other's eyes._

_Sawyer obliged, and sat up on the bed. She then nodded her head, uneasily looking down at her lap, and toying with the edge of the blanket that was barely covering her legs._

"_Then...You just gotta deal with the consequences of it," Peyton said somewhat apologetically. "I'm not saying you shouldn't be sad, or that you shouldn't cry. I'm only saying that you should deal with it, and not hide from it..."_

"_I..." Sawyer began, but Peyton held her hand up in the air causing her to close back her mouth._

"_And I know you're going to tell me that you're not hiding from anything." Peyton said knowingly. "And I don't doubt that's what you think you are doing; you think you're protecting yourself, but I just...I just don't want to see you letting go of the boy you love because of the wrong reasons...just because you are scared." She stated firmly, and for a few minutes the room felt silent as her words somehow sunk in._

"_I...I thought I was okay with it, I did...I," Sawyer trailed off heaving a long sigh. "I just don't want him to go," She admitted biting uneasily her bottom lip._

_Peyton twisted her lips at her words, and couldn't do anything other than pull her back into her arms. She waited a moment, but she still had to say what was in her mind. "You don't want him to go so you pushed him away instead?" She then vividly started feeling Sawyer shaking her head strongly against her chest, but Peyton still decisively refused to let go of her. _

"_I didn't," Sawyer cried somewhat angrily. "I didn't. I...He's going away, and I'm staying, and I...I can't," She said firmly, as she finally pushed away from Peyton's arms, and sat up straight on the bed, looking everywhere but her mom's eyes. "I can't."_

"_You know I wish I could tell you what to do, right? That 'something' that would make all that you're feeling go away?" Peyton asked softly after some moments of silence. _

_Sawyer nodded her head fighting hard the tears that for obvious reasons threatened to fall from her eyes. _

"_But I can't. I can only tell you that you are better sure of what you are doing." Peyton said sternly looking firmly into those girl's sad blue eyes. "Sawyer…You are better sure you are not going to regret this a few years from now. I mean…it's one year, and he's not going to be all that far, you–"_

"_Mom," Sawyer interrupted pointedly and strongly, although her eyes were mostly pleading for her to stop._

"_Okay," Peyton said simply shrugging her shoulders. "I'll drop it, but I just want you to be sure." She added and Sawyer slowly nodded her head._

"_I am, I...I think I am. And besides, it...it is going to get better- easier with time, right?" She asked hopeful, and all that Peyton could do at that was smile sadly at her._

"_No if he's the one..."_

"Okay, I really don't wanna guess, but cold feet, really?" Peyton said mockingly as she entered the living room. "Sawyer Scott getting cold feet..." She paused looking up thoughtfully. She'd been lying to herself if she didn't admit just how much she wanted to laugh. "…Only seven hours before the wedding?" She asked looking right into her daughter's eyes, and with both her eyebrows raised.

"Funny!" Sawyer grumbled playfully from her spot on the couch. "I do not have cold feet or anything, thank you very much…I just..." She said looking up at Peyton, and without really wanting, a pout formed on her lips. "I just can't sleep!" She said as firmly as she could, shifting her eyes from her mom's.

At the sight, Peyton couldn't stop a chuckle from escaping her lips. "Sorry," She said rather sheepishly as she sat down right next to Sawyer. "Are you scared?" She asked softly, but actually really meaning to ask _that_ question.

She knew she was herself a little scared. Just a _little _though, but really, who could blame her? Her daughter was getting married in just a matter of hours. That certainly didn't happen every day, and although maybe a little selfish, Peyton was in fact having a hard time being completely okay letting go.

That girl, now woman before her eyes was _her_ daughter, her baby girl, and now all of a sudden she was ready to say _'I do'_ to a boy.

Of course she was happy for Sawyer; _really_ happy for her actually. But it was indeed a little scary.

"No, not scared" Sawyer replied really quietly, after just a few seconds of musing over her mom's question. "I wanna do it. I'm _damn_ certain he's what I want, and what I need, is just..." She trailed off taking a deep breath, and for a reason she really couldn't explain, Peyton had to match her action.

It was so heartwarming; hearing _her_ daughter, her very own daughter talking so passionately, and so sure about what she wanted and needed. In a way, that just let Peyton know that maybe, just _maybe_ she did her job right with that girl. She was ready to commit her whole life, her everything to the boy she had always love.

In all honesty Peyton couldn't feel more proud of that girl.

"Is just that..." Sawyer continued a moment later, but paused as she shifted so that she could snuggle into her mom's arms as she had done so many times before. "Is just that I _really _love him, you know? It's crazy, I think back, and I don't think I haven't ever been not in love with him. I'm sure we are going to work out, because...Actually, I don't know _why_, because really? Who can tell you that? But...I just think I know we are going to be okay, and that...that seems...I mean..."

"Baby," Peyton called softly as she unconsciously started toying with Sawyer's unruly curls. Sawyer looked up at her, and couldn't hide the sheepish grin that graced her lips as she did so.

"I'm rambling," Sawyer said back and Peyton had to chuckle. "I'm sorry, I know," She said looking back down, and also wrapping her arms tightly around her mom. That was her safe place. It had always been, and she honestly couldn't wish to be somewhere else. That was her place to be right now, with her mom, telling her everything that was in her mind.

Peyton had always have that power over her. Sawyer couldn't remember a time when a hug from Peyton didn't make her feel a hell of a lot better.

She was glad it still worked. She was glad that it didn't matter that she was twenty-one years old, and about to get married, it still did the trick and made her feel so much better- so much more secure in herself.

"You are," Peyton replied smiling. "But I do get it, you know?"

"You do?" Sawyer asked back, her eyes falling into a squint as she looked up at her mom expectantly.

"Yeah," Peyton said simply shrugging one shoulder. "You feel so many things for him that it is simply too damn hard to put that feeling into words. Not all of us have the power to do that, we...we can..."

"Let that to Daddy," Sawyer filled in for Peyton, and couldn't stop the chuckle that escaped her lips next.

"Yes," Peyton agreed matching her chuckling. "He's good putting his feelings into words. You and I, well...We just gotta settle with deeds, okay?"

"Okay," Sawyer replied nodding, and not even attempting not to smile. "But mom...?" She asked a moment later when she felt Peyton starting to lose herself in her own thoughts.

"Yeah?" She said looking back down at Sawyer and at her sparkling blue eyes. There are some things you just can not hide; happiness is one of them. And the kind of happiness Peyton was seeing right then in her daughter's eyes, was simply everything she had always wished for her.

"What about you?" Sawyer asked quietly, but never losing her mom's eyes from hers. "Were you... you know? _Scared_ when you were about to marry Dad?"

Peyton opened her mouth to reply but closed it back again only a second later. There were so many ways she could answer that question, yet the '_right'_ one didn't come so easily for her in that moment. "I...No, I wasn't." She replied at last, slightly narrowing her eyes. "I love your Dad. I always have. I've never been not in love with him." She said with a smile, parroting goofily somehow Sawyer's earlier words, but ultimately that was the way she felt too about Lucas, so what was the problem in '_borrowing_' her daughter's explanation? "So, no, I wasn't scared because I was marrying him. I don't think I have ever been more sure about anything else. I wanted to be his wife. That was the sheer true, kid."

"Yeah…" Sawyer drawled softly nodding her head ever so slightly. "What about me?" She asked again, but this time it had been the question she'd been holding back for as long as she could remember.

Yes, Sawyer had always known just how happy she'd supposedly made her parents when she was born. Yes, she knew they wouldn't give her away for the world; they told her so. But…her mom had almost died because of her. That wasn't something she could sink in completely back in the day, and couldn't right now either.

"Sure I was scared," Peyton replied at last with a sigh. "But I wasn't scared about _you_ precisely. I was scared of everything that could never be, you know? Of everything I would miss out on. Not being able to know you..._that _was scary. But not you, baby," She said sweetly, reaching out her hand, and caressing softly her daughter's cheek. "Not you." She said again slightly shaking her head.

Sawyer let her mom's words set in for a few moments. She certainly wished one day she could speak as convinced and sure as Peyton would always speak to her. "Daddy still said you pretty much freaked out." She noted a moment later, as she pulled back from her mom's arms, and stared playfully into her eyes.

"What?" Peyton asked back, a little confused at the sudden way Sawyer changed the subject. She still couldn't find in herself the might not to smile though.

In spite of everything else that was going on, she felt fine. She felt _happy_.

Sawyer chuckled, but nodded her head acknowledging how Peyton would still need a little bit more of elaboration. "When you found out about me? About...being _pregnant_," She stressed out, and chuckled at the face her mom made when realization hit her.

"I didn't '_freak out'_," Peyton grumbled rolling her eyes. "I was…_surprised_, but happy too. I just...I just didn't see it coming, kid. I mean...is not as if we were trying to have a baby, or anything. We hadn't even gotten married at the time. Wedding date was pretty far away still, and I...it was just that a baby seemed quite suddenly back then." She explained shrugging a little her shoulders. "That still never, _ever_ meant I wasn't happy about you. You can ask Lucas that much if you don't trust me." She said scrunching her nose up playfully.

Sawyer chuckled slightly, and nodded her head.

Silence settled next, and it was only natural for Peyton to pull her little girl back into her arms.

She caressed the apple of her girl's cheek, and smiled when Sawyer closed her eyes sighing _oh-so_ heavily. "What about you? Did _you_ freak out?" Peyton asked casually, and yet she couldn't honestly hold back laughter at how fast Sawyer pushed away from her, and with quite a horror face ended up sitting at the other end of the couch.

"What?" Sawyer asked back between a few coughs that got in her way out of the blue.

Peyton sobered slightly, and simply shrugged her shoulders helplessly in her daughter's direction. "You _really_ thought I didn't know?" She asked feigning being hurt by her not telling her before.

Sawyer opened her mouth to retort but closed it again a second later when she realized she really didn't know what to say.

"I'm your mom remember." Peyton said giving her a knowing look. "You can hide that kind of things from me, I've known you all your life…" She said fighting back a chuckle at the way Sawyer was looking back at her.

They stared into each other's eyes for moment until Sawyer cracked the smallest of grins shaking her head a bit.

"You _are_ pregnant, aren't you, Sawyer Scott?" Peyton asked needlessly, but still feeling as though she _had_ to hear her respond the question. It felt surreal in a lot of senses; she didn't even want to imagine what Lucas was going to say. Sawyer was only twenty-one after all, but ultimately Peyton knew it were good news, and having in mind the last few months she couldn't be more glad they were getting them.

Sawyer brought her eyes down, but never really stopped smiling. "A little," She whispered so softly that Peyton _almost_ missed it, but of course she didn't.

"A little," Peyton echoed goofily a moment later. She could have jump immediately to Sawyer's side of the couch, and wrap her arms tightly around her neck just as she knew she wanted to do, but she didn't. She fought back that need she was feeling, because she knew Sawyer's words were still sinking in, and not only for Peyton, but especially in her daughter.

She was having a baby, a little one of her very own, and even though Peyton was well aware Sawyer had known it for at least a few days, she also knew it hadn't been real until she'd said the two little words to her.

"Mom, I..." Sawyer said softly, as she little by little lifted her head meeting Peyton's eyes. "I...I wanted–"

"It's okay, I know you did." Peyton said just as softly as she finally moved closer to her daughter. "I'm happy for you, you know? But...I kinda care more about what _you_ are feeling right now. Are you happy about it?"

Sawyer looked steadily back into her eyes biting playfully her lower lip, before she slowly nodded her head. "I am," She said at last smiling genuinely as she said those two words.

In all honesty, that was all Peyton needed to hear. That and seeing that little crooked smile Sawyer was wearing. In spite of the fact that she was scared, because she was, Peyton could tell that much, she was still more than okay with the idea and that was all that mattered.

Wordlessly, but still wearing the biggest smile she had worn in quite a long time already, Peyton pulled strongly Sawyer into her arms. The girl burrowed her head in the crook of her neck, and although she didn't want to, Peyton's eyes fairly welled up with tears in just a few seconds. She wasn't sad, the polar opposite actually, but in any case she was simply finding it hard to keep her emotions in check. "I...I think you are going to be a great mom," She stated, before leaning in and kiss fondly the top of her head.

"_I don't wanna lose him, mom." Sawyer confessed quietly after a moment of silence between the two of them._

_Peyton smiled sadly in her direction, and couldn't do anything other than shrug her shoulders. It really was easy. "Then don't. If you don't wanna lose him, if you are sure of what you feel for him, then...fight for it. If not I'd say you are making a big mistake, and I...I know you are better than that."_

_Sawyer stared back at Peyton with unexpected tears clouding her eyes. She desperately wanted to do the right thing; it was just that it was hard. It was hard letting go of her fears, and of all those thoughts that told her that just maybe they weren't meant to be in the end. It's hard actually, you have parents with an epic love story, in which pretty much everything was overcome, and ultimately both their dreams came true with one another. That was something hard to top, and it wasn't as if she purposely had gone through life looking out for just the same kind of love her parents shared, but every now and again, when Sawyer looked at them, and then when she looked back at her life, back at her life __**with**__ William, she thought that just maybe she had found it too._

_But now...now he was leaving, and she was staying. She knew it should be easy, it was just a year; she'd meet him halfway eventually, but what about the mean time? What would happen when her heart start breaking since she is not going to be able to see him the way she's used to anymore?_

_It really wasn't as easy as she knew her mom saw it._

"_What are you really scared of?" Peyton asked upon her daughter's silence. She'd be lying if she said her heart wasn't breaking at that sad look in her eyes, but she still knew that if there was something she could do to help Sawyer, that was help her understand her own feelings. "You'd known all year long he was going to DC. You helped him with his essay; you went with him scouting colleges, what changed? Because I really don't understand. Not a month ago you were bubbling around at how proud of him you were. And I know you still are but for some reason you decided things aren't as simple as they were anymore. Just say so…why?" Peyton all but ordered, although her voice was firm, and she wasn't kidding at all._

_Peyton simply needed Sawyer to see just what she was doing._

"_I...I," Sawyer began, but paused squeezing her eyes closed tightly. She was getting angry, and Peyton knew that much. She wasn't backing off anyway. She knew that girl just as much as she knew herself, and she needed this._

"_Say so," Peyton insisted fixing strongly her eyes on Sawyer even if the girl's eyes were still tightly closed._

"_I just...I wanna be mad at him, all right." Sawyer bit out angrily at last, and she couldn't stop a few tears from falling down to her cheeks. "I want him to go, of course I do, he...he's going to do great. And I am so, so proud of him, but I...I'll be here, and he'll be there…I'm going to miss him and wish everyday he were here instead…and I don't want that, I..."_

"_So you'd rather blame him for leaving?" Peyton interrupted pointedly, widening her eyes as she spoke. "Things, life…what you are doing…you are quitting. Relationships that matter aren't meant to be easy. You are supposed to work every day on them…some days are going to be hard, but…that doesn't mean you quit and back off only because it's not rainbows and smiles anymore. Sometimes it's hard but that doesn't mean you mask your feelings and pretend you don't care." She said firmly, and really believing what she was saying._

_Sawyer stared at her mutely and the tears were still there– steadily pooling in her eyes._

"_You are not going to solve anything this way Sawyer, and I know you already know that." Peyton said softening the urgency in her voice a little, and nodding her head. "You may not see it right now, but I do. I do see the way you look at him, and the way he looks back at you. You've been in love with that boy from the moment you realized what love was, and I know that just as much as I know you do. The fact that he's there, and you are here doesn't mean your feelings are going to change, are they?"_

_Sawyer sighed closing her eyes, but after just a moment, she started shaking her head. "I love him." She said simply, and in a way not really understanding how much those words meant._

"_Then what are you still doing here weeping with your mom?" Peyton asked seriously, lifting Sawyer's head with her finger, and forcing her that way to meet her eyes. "If you really love him, I know you are not going to let him go." She stated at last, as she stood up from the bed, and before exiting the bedroom, Peyton kissed the top of her daughter's head._

_That was at best the most she could do, help her see for herself the facts, and then simply hope she'll make the right decisions._

"Okay, now do you care to tell me everything, kid." Peyton said fairly jokingly pulling away from Sawyer so the two of them were seeing into each other's eyes. "Oh, baby…" She said softly, upon catching sight of the few tears staining her daughter's cheeks. "You know I can't handle those," Peyton noted as she reached out her hand, and gently wiped Sawyer's flushed cheek. "I know you are going to be okay, okay? You are going to be an _amazing_ mom, and I really, _really _believe that. You do trust me, don't you?" She said so strongly hoping her daughter would believe her that way easily.

"Of course," Sawyer replied softly, leaning into her mom's touch and closing again her eyes. "I just..." She began a moment later, as bit by bit her eyes flew open. "I do know things are going to be okay, you know? I can feel that much. I got William, and I…I know it's soon, but I know I got _him_ too," She said pressing her hand to her stomach, and then it was Peyton who _had_ to bit her lower lip in an attempt not to cry. In that very moment it became real for her. "And I got Daddy, and Ellie, and everybody, and…I know I got _you_," Sawyer said fighting back more of her own tears. "I've learned from the best, and I really, really _believe_ that. You've taught me all I know, so I guess we are going to be just fine. You wouldn't expect any less from me, would you now?" She said smirking just a bit with her eyes still glittering with unshed tears.

"Thank you, you know?" Peyton replied after a moment saying the only words she could thought of say at that moment.

Sawyer smiled squinting her eyes a little bit. "Why?" She asked warily, tilting her head curiously to one side.

"Just because baby," Peyton said softly, pulling her back into her arms. "For made of my life what it is today. For always being that special little girl I held all those years ago. I don't know what it'd be of our lives if you hadn't jumped into them…I, I just know how very lucky I am, and how I'd give everything to stay here and be here for you at every step of the way, Sawyer Scott…"

"Mom..." Sawyer called softly, lifting her head a little so that she was meeting Peyton's eyes. "You know I can't handle those either," She said only half-teasingly reaching out now her own hand, and wiping the few tears that had fallen from her mom's eyes.

"I know." Peyton said letting out a small chuckle, before she also started wiping her own eyes. "I just..I just want you to be happy because you've made _me_ happy…Don't you ever forget that, okay?"

* * *

**AN : **Oh, I dunno, what do you think? Fluff was in the air tonight! :)

I'm heading on last-minute roadtrip this weekend (getting back my stolen long weekened this one lol) So the next update should be up as soon as I get back.


	15. Broken

**Author's Note : **I'm back from vacations! lol! Probably you don't care at all, but still! I've been meaning to update for a while, just didn't have the mind to do it, so I'm sorry! I was away for a while, but wont be again for another while, so in the mean time, I'll focus properly again on my stories! I'm in writing mode right now, but will still review and edit the last few chapters of this story so you can also read them asap.

A part of me is probably dreading it, you'd read why, happy times are certainly in the past, but I still hope you can anyway find the rest of this story worth to read.

That's enough for me for tonight anyways. Let me know what you think if you like it!** :)**

* * *

_Hearts are broken so easily.  
Is love alive...a reality?  
If I give my heart to you  
Will you be faithful...will you be true?_

**Broken**

Running... that was exactly what she was doing. For a long time already, she had known she couldn't be one to do that. So she didn't. She had instead been the one who stayed strong and standing tall through _everything_. She had learned over the months what it was like to fight back your own emotions, and simply be strong for the ones who needed her.

That was what she'd been doing for the last few months anyway. She had remained strong for her mom, and for her brother, and for her sister and father. She didn't run. She faced things and dealt with them as she had been taught to do all those years ago.

But there was still something she couldn't explain at that moment; something she couldn't even understand herself, why their lives had turned into the awful nightmare they were all living at that moment?

In only seconds, their lives went wrong in that very same way they had all been dreading for months it would.

Slowly, Ellie slid down the side of the wall and hugged her knees close to her chest strongly. She buried her head on top of her knees and simply let her tears fall. If she was being honest, she knew she hadn't really cried until that evening. It was seeing Peyton like that that got the best of her; seeing her mom there, in that bed, with all those wires and machines hooked to her body made the reality of it all to sneak up on her. She had really believed things were going to work out.

Of course she did.

It was Peyton; it was_ her_ mom for God's sake…

Ellie would be lying to herself and to everybody else, if she said she didn't think they were going to overcome that mess all together as they always had.

But the reality was now different. Things weren't working themselves out as they once thought they would.

Things were getting worse and worse with every day that passed, and today had been the day when none of them were able to ignore it any longer.

She was dying, she was, and although Ellie had said the words before, she hadn't really believed them until today.

"Get out!" Ellie cried into her knees, not bothering at all to look up, but knowing exactly who had just walked into her mom's office anyway. "I want you gone! Get the hell out!"

She received silence in response, and it all honestly it only made her madder. She knew however, that she wasn't mad at Sawyer precisely, that wasn't it.

That wasn't it at all.

She was mad at everything else.

She was mad at the world, and at how unfair that world was being with her, and her family.

Sawyer then sat down wordlessly next to Ellie on the floor, and rested her head back against the cold wall. She didn't know what to say either. She didn't. She'd give everything to have all the answers her little sister was aching so badly for, but she didn't.

She didn't know anything herself.

She only knew one thing, and that was how wrong everything was.

"She's gonna die, isn't she?" Ellie asked fighting back the sobs that wanted so badly to escape her throat. She knew Sawyer didn't care she'd yelled at her only mere moments ago, she knew she didn't care she had yelled at her back in the hospital too, she knew she didn't care about everything she had said, or the way she had acted.

All her sister cared was about that question. She cared because she knew the answer, and just as it was doing to Ellie, it was killing Sawyer as well.

It had been two years and nine months in which they have dealt with almost everything. First with the truth, they've dealt with the idea of knowing their mom was sick, that she had cancer, and that it was bad.

But then again, at the time they had also dealt with the fact that there was always hope. If only with the right treatment, surgery in time maybe, she was going to be okay.

That was what they knew. Or at least what they wanted to know.

They knew who their mother was, they knew just who Peyton Sawyer was, and they knew she wasn't giving up.

They were sure she was going to fight until she'd beat it, or until there was nothing else she could do more.

Even knowing things were bad, they never really believed the latter would come sooner than the first.

They had trusted their mom to be strong enough, and to conquer that new bump that had been put on her road.

A lone tear streaked down Ellie's cheek when she realized that maybe all of this was actually a whole lot more strong that her mom was.

She hated herself for that.

"She did it for us, she did, and now…" Ellie tried but trailed off looking up from her knees at last. She bit harshly her bottom lip but not even that prevented more tears to fall from her eyes. She looked over at Sawyer, and she could swear her heart sank at the sight. This was the same of hard on _all_ of them and not just her. And although she knew she had been selfish rushing out of the hospital the way she did when everything became too much, Ellie still wasn't sorry for it.

She simply couldn't be there a second more.

She simply couldn't see Peyton that way anymore.

Sawyer stayed quiet the whole time, yet, a thick trail of tears were falling freely down to her cheeks the whole time she'd been there in that office.

In her mom's office; she had been there so many times before, she had so many good memories in that place, she did. She would spend summers at the time helping her aunt and her mom with the '_business_'. She'd do of secretary, of messenger girl, or of simply company for her mom. She liked being there. She always had but now for some reason all those good memories only made her heart ache a little bit more with each passing second.

How was she supposed to deal with something like that? How do you deal with the fact that one of the people you love more than life itself in just a matter of time is not going to be there anymore?

How you deal with the pain? How to deal with the feeling...with the _impotence_?

There was nothing else either of them could do, her mom had done all the fighting she had in herself, and that for Sawyer was easily the hardest thing she'd ever had to accept.

She was _her_ mom after all.

* * *

"Hey, don't cry…" Peyton said earnestly reaching out her hand, and pressing it softly against his cheek.

It was moist, and she'd be the biggest liars if she said that feel didn't just break her heart in a thousand pieces.

It wasn't her fault, she knew that, or…at least she was trying to make herself believe that.

It simply was hard. It was hard seeing her family hurt because of _her_. Because of something she was, one way or another, doing to them.

She hadn't called for the sickness, yet she hadn't been strong enough to beat it either. Maybe it was a little her fault in the end.

Peyton shifted then a little in the bed so that she was properly facing Lucas. He stayed quiet, his own hand reached hers, but he kept his eyes down.

For as long as he could remember he had always –_or at least most of the times_– do what she had asked him for. This time however, '_don't cry'_, felt as though it was something impossible for him to grant.

He was losing her. She was slipping out of his life and there was nothing he could do to save her.

He knew without a shadow of a doubt how a part of him, the _biggest_ part of him was dying along with her in that bed.

"I hate this," Lucas muttered under his breath, and he didn't even attempt to wipe away the tears that freely fell from his eyes. Truth be told, he did hate this, the situation, she being sick, everything, but mainly he hated himself for making this about _him_, when it clearly wasn't.

He was hating every bit of himself because he was being selfish and he honestly didn't care. He wanted her. He wanted her more than he wanted to live himself. He knew just through what she had gone through in the last months…in the last years, but he still couldn't bear the idea of give up and don't do more.

He couldn't imagine a world in which she wasn't by his side. He simply couldn't, so he wanted her to keep fighting. He wanted her to stay with him even if she was already too tired to do so.

He refused to let go of her, he refused to give up on them and on everything he knew the two of them could _still_ be.

Lucas hated himself because thinking like that was hurting her too. She had maybe came to terms with everything already, it was her body after all, she was the only one who knew what she was feeling, but the fact that she was peaceful at some level, and…ready to let go didn't mean at all Lucas could do it too.

He simply couldn't. It hurt too much. "I…Peyt, I can't." He whispered leaning his head into her touch. He closed his eyes, and when her other hand cupped the other side of his face; he let himself rest his head against her body. "I can't," He muttered again, his voice was rather hoarse, but he couldn't let it crack either.

He was hurting, all he wanted was to break down in front of her and tell her just how much he wanted to be selfish with her, but…at least for the time being, he was still Lucas Scott and she was still Peyton Sawyer, he was the one who still _had_ to look after her.

The reality was that he had failed, and the thought alone had been killing him inside ever since that doctor's appointment all those months ago.

"Luke…" She whispered, and he vividly felt his heart breaking some more. Her voice was weak, and pleading…and tired. If he didn't know for sure that small frame on that awful tiny hospital bed was his wife, he could swear she was someone else.

She stroked softly his cheek with her thumb; the truth of the matter was that she wished she could do so much more. She wished she could sit up, and pull that sad little boy into her arms, and hold him as tightly as she possibly could.

But…She couldn't, her body in more than one way wasn't hers anymore, and saying she depicted the fact was an understatement.

"I'm _so_ sorry." Peyton whispered then in spite of herself and in spite of Lucas. She knew that was the last thing he wanted to hear right then.

"No," Lucas cried shaking his head weakly from side to side. "No, I…Just don't," He said decisively although his voice, and himself were simply breaking.

She still knew she needed to say the words. She needed to let him know just how very sorry she was for the way things had turned out to be.

She'd give anything for…time. For a little bit more. Actually, that was a lie. She'd give anything for _time_ alone. For the time she had promised him so long ago. She'd give anything for the time to do all the things she knew the two of them were meant to do.

She'd give anything to have just enough time to see her daughters and her little boy grow up to be the man and women she was so sure the three of them were going to be someday.

Yet, she also knew that it didn't matter just what she wanted. Whatever that was bound to happen next was going to happen whether she, or Lucas, or her kids for that matter too, were okay with it.

She was dying, and that was a truth she'd been dealing with since the day hope had become a far dream all her family wished so desperately to believe in, but that she deep inside always knew was already gone.

There was no more hope; there were only tears, and wires, and sickness and machines left. There was no sense in think in tomorrow's when you aren't even sure of the next few hours.

All that was left was waiting...wait for that '_something_' they've all dreaded for years, but now was sneaking up on them in the worst way.

How do you get ready to die? Do you start saying 'Good-bye' to everybody? Write letters? Say all the '_I love yous'_ you didn't say when you thought you were okay, and supposedly leading that perfect life you'd always dreamed about?

What exactly comes along with the territory of death?

Sadness? Regret? Pain? Anger? Denial?

Maybe all of it. Or maybe any of that. Maybe all that comes is _finality_. And maybe whatever time she had left wasn't supposed to be spent between tears, and '_I'm sorrys'_ but with more and more '_I love yous_'. Because that, she was sure of. One-hundred-percent, she loved that boy she had wrapped in her arms.

She loved every bit of him that was there to be loved; she loved every single little thing he had given to her life. From those first words he said to her, to that first kiss, to their children.

She couldn't waste any time thinking in all that couldn't be now. She had to focus on him, in wanting him, and loving him for as little or as much as she could.

She didn't want to bring to their lives more regret and pain with her tears...Given the fact their lives were already plagued with it, she knew there was only one thing she could ask him to do for her at that moment.

It was in all honesty, everything she needed. "Just be with me, okay?"

_A piece of paper I do not need  
I vow my love in ways and deeds  
Upon my sleeve I wear my heart...  
_  
Twenty-one whole minutes of silence went by; all they heard for what seemed a lifetime, were each other's soft sniffles, and echoes from music down the stairs.

Nothing had gone as planned; everything their lives had been built up from was crumbling down as one of those houses of cards.

Sawyer still knew it didn't mean they were giving up; it didn't mean they were leaving her alone now that she needed them most.

"Get up," Sawyer ordered sounding just as harshly as she indented to sound. She knew her sister almost as much as she knew the palm of her hand, and because of that, she was sure soothing words and hugs weren't going to work with her today.

She _needed_ to realize just what was happening.

Ellie looked up at Sawyer shaking her head vigorously at her words. She couldn't go back there, she simply couldn't. "I–" She tried but without giving her a chance, Sawyer had already began again, looking deathly serious into her eyes.

"You think I don't know what you mean?" Sawyer snapped feeling completely out of sorts, but still trying as hell to keep herself together. Hot tears were building behind her eyes, but she simply refused to let them fall. "She went through _hell_ and more because of _us_. Because she didn't want to leave us alone..._none_ of us. You think I don't know just how painful and agonizing those treatments were on her? How little by little those supposed medicines were killing her just as slowly? Because I do Ellie. I've seen her forcing smiles on her face for _months_, telling us just how it wasn't as bad as it seemed. I saw her throw her guts out every time she came back from the hospital after a new round of chemo. I saw her going and coming back from hell for months at the time, but now...Now that's over, and _she_ needs us." A tear fell from her eyes, and she hastily wiped it away with the back of her hand. "I honestly Ellie, I don't give a damn about what you have to say. You are gonna get up, and we are going to go and be with mom. We are not leaving her alone right now, we are gonna be there, and it is going to hurt like hell, but we are going to be there for her even when it does. Because wanna know something? This is ten times worse in mom and _you_ know it."

Ellie take in and out a few elaborated breaths, before she let her head fell and a few more tears to roll down to her cheeks.

Sawyer sighed, and for a moment made herself forget how just terrified _she_ was. "I know you are scared, Elle." She said so softly she was even a little scared Ellie wasn't going to her hear. She still hoped she did. "I am too, but, I...we just need to be with her right now...Come on," She said reaching her hand down for Ellie to take. "You know you need to."

Nodding a little her head, Ellie looked up at her eyes for the first time since they'd reached the office that day. "I don't want her to die." She stated as she took her sister's hand into her own, and without thinking twice wrapped her arms weakly around her neck as soon as she was on her feet. "I don't want to." She repeated and all Sawyer could do was hold her back as tightly as she could.

"Neither do I." She whispered into her hair. "Neither do I."

_I know love can survive somehow  
Remember each day, always to say  
I love you, I need you, and I'll always be true._

"I...I am. I am with you." Lucas said at last, sitting up slightly, and locking eyes for the first time in what felt like a lifetime with that girl before him. "I always will. You know that," He said with tears in his eyes, and Peyton had to look away from them in an attempt_ not_ to match his tears.

Lucas didn't think at that moment; he simply stood up from his chair, and carefully moved all the wires away and sat himself gently behind her. She was so light; lifting her had felt as if he was lifting a child.

He hated this.

"I'm not leaving you," He said softly into her hair, and it was then when her body started shaking slightly against his. "I'm not." He said again, trying to sound as firmly as he could. "I won't. I...I'm just _so_ scared."

Peyton attempted a '_Yeah_', but all that escape her lips was a soft sob. Of course she was scared too, but...it wasn't precisely because of her. It was because of _him_.

It was hard to understand even. Why if they have come such long way together they had now to part ways? Why if they had overcome so much together she couldn't just _stay_?

Why they were supposed to say '_Good-Bye'_ before either one of them was ready to do it?

Why they couldn't make things work their way?

"I love you,"

Three words and three words only she could find in herself to say.

Truer truth. Truer feeling. Truer Pain. Truer Joy.

All that and so much more were what those three words meant.

She felt him breathing harshly against the back of her neck, and she knew just how much he was struggling to keep his emotions in check.

He was trying for her, but it still made her feel a hell of a lot worse for some reason.

She turned slightly, burying her head in the crook of his neck, and grasping as tightly as she could on the edge of his shirt.

He took a few shaky breaths before bending his head down, and kissing her head. "I love you too," He said, his voice cracked but he simply couldn't help it. "I do. More than anything else." He promised believing those words more than he believed in his life itself.

_My Love for you will not depart  
Don't promise forever...just promise me now._

An hour, or maybe more went by in which Lucas simply held her tightly to his chest, as they both were trembling, and breathing hard. Her left hand was like clutched to his heart, and he simply didn't let go of her for a split second. Although strange, a part of him felt a little bit closer to her as the minutes kept passing by. She molded perfectly into him, just as the very first time he was lucky enough to have that girl in his arms.

She had slowly calmed down, although her body continued to heave up and down uneasily. She was done crying at least; a part of her was actually surprised all her tears hadn't dry completely quite yet.

Truth be told, she was sure she hadn't cried as much as she had cried that day in a very long time. Some might call it denial, some strength, for her it was simply what she had to do.

She knew how much her family was hurting because of her, the less she could do for them was deal with it all head on, and believe along with them that things were going to be all right in the end.

But now...now that the so-called _'end'_ was actually here for her, she couldn't take it anymore. She honestly didn't want to go away.

She didn't want to leave them alone quite yet.

"I am scared," Peyton admitted painfully, at a mere whisper. She sighed heavily before she lifted up her head slightly, and made her eyes meet his. "I'm scared of what is going to happen. And I also hate there is nothing we can do to fix it anymore." She said so softy, reaching out her hand, so that she could rest it on his cheek. Lucas closed his eyes allowing a couple tears to fell from them as he also leaned his head into her touch. "But I...I don't want you to be angry, okay? I know this isn't fair, but it's the way things are and we...we..." She paused heaving another long sigh. Half of it was because of the words she was saying; it made it all feel so..._final_. But the other half...that one was because she simply was finding it hard to say too much without leaving herself without any breath.

"We just gotta keep dealing with it as it comes," She said managing a small smile as his eyes fluttered open slowly. "I just...I love you," She said cracking the first, and most honest smile she'd smiled in what seemed forever. "And you...You are gonna take care of them, right?" She asked biting her bottom lip, as tears started welling up in the corners of her eyes again. "And let them take care of you too, I...Luke, plea–"

"Yeah," Lucas breathed interrupting her from saying all those final words he most certainly didn't want to hear. He still forced himself to nod a little bit. Of course he would take care of them, they were _their_ children ultimately. "Yeah," He said once again not stopping his motion with his head.

Peyton formed a small smile on her lips, but before she could say anything else, slowly and so quietly her room door opened. Sawyer stepped in first, but Ellie followed her closely behind. The two of them stood by the doorway for a just a few seconds looking over at their parents, before Ellie forced a small smile to her face. "We're here, all right." She said simply nodding her head.

"We are. And we are not going anywhere."

_That is what I do believe; put your love, always first.  
You'll find it will quench love's thirst._

* * *

**AN : **Still not sure how I feel about this chapter, let alone how _you_ will feel about it, but I still hope it was okay. I know I like very much at least one part, so let's see what you think!

FYI, there are only 2more chapters to go (are long tho!) This was kind of the preface so beware...lol

Thank so much for reading regardless if you loved it or hated it though lol** :)**


	16. Home I

**Author's Note :** "Carry You Home" & "Goodbye my Lover" by James Blunt are the two songs I used to go with these two upcoming chapters. 'Carry You Home' is actually one of the few songs that has literally made me bawl (in a total different context) and yet as I listened to it one day, I thought it fitted rather well this story, and so here I used some lines of it :) {For what it's worth, I really believe it's awesome}

There is a flashback in the chapter too btw. That one goes in Italics as always, and yet there are a few lines I 'borrowed' from the show -you'd see what I mean :) Go on reading now anyways...I hope you like it even though I'm still not sure about it =) Thanks so much for reading too :)

* * *

_Trouble is her only friend and he's back again.  
Makes her body older than it really is.  
She says it's high time she went away,  
No one's got much to say in this town._

**Home**

Breathe was allegedly something _easy_ to do, she'd always known it, without really realizing it at some point maybe. But she knew it; people simply do it, they don't think about it, or stop to think about any reason to do it either; their bodies just _know_ how breathing is something everybody _has_ to do in order to stay _alive _so they do it.

That was still the tricky part for Peyton; seemingly is simple. And in more than one way, it is. Yet, sometimes, without you really grasping the fact; you reach a point when that _dull _task becomes apparently the hardest part of your day.

She didn't want to stop doing so, of course not. The rational part of her _knew_ very well how if she stopped breathing, if she gave in to whatever force that was pulling her out of herself, she'll die, and…she simply couldn't do that.

She couldn't do it quite _yet_ anyway. And if she were one to stop breathing ultimately, it certainly wasn't going to be because she _chose _to; it would be because there was simply something much more powerful than herself and her wishes that made her do so.

She wished there was a way she could explain that to the people she loved...to Lucas, to their kids. She wished she could find just the right words to let them know how if the choice was really in her power, she'd never stop doing it, she'd never ever stop breathing. She'd fight harder, and hold on tighter to all of them.

But the moment letting out and taking in that everyday breath made her every bone ache, she'd come to realize how things weren't exactly as easy as she once thought they would.

She'd wonder how would it be like taking in that last breath? If she'd be alone or not? If it would hurt or not? If she would actually know what was happening, or simply not? If there was going to be someone there to help her...help her _go_?

Max had asked her that question, and she just couldn't answer him.

Actually, Peyton knew she could have; she could have said _yes_, or _maybe_. But she didn't. She stayed quiet looking down at him in her arms. In fact, Max was the one who stayed with her for the most part of the time actually. Most of the times, he wouldn't say anything; he'd just match Peyton's silence, and wordlessly slip underneath her arms as carefully as he possibly could.

Max was after all the _only one_ who still fit perfectly enough under her arms and who in a way could still be there next to Peyton, without breaking down before her.

That had been a constant for Peyton lately, everybody tried to hide it; they certainly did. Leave the room pretending smiles when everything became _too_ much. Bite their lips and look away when the word '_Goodbye'_ was in someone's lips or even minds. Taking pretty deep breaths every too often when the words simply couldn't come out.

Peyton had gotten used to that in the last couple of weeks. A part of her wished it would all just happen for once and for all so she could take them all out of their misery as well as herself.

But then Max would come along; he'd look at her with those eyes of his, and they would always be carrying nothing other than..._hope_.

Just with looking at her, smiling and saying one of those little things only _he_ could say; it was then when in more than one ways he was telling Peyton – more than that actually, _pleading_ her to make it through just _another_ day and be with _him_.

Sometimes –_all too often actually_– she'd started thinking in how for everybody else _but_ Max for some reason, it was still easier not to accept the truth within their hearts.

They all knew what was going to happen, and yet, sometimes, she'd seen them still pretending as if things were going to be all right again.

They weren't.

Peyton simply knew that much already –even when it hurt more than breathing itself sometimes.

_As strong as you were, tender you go.  
I'm watching you breathing for the last time.  
A song for your heart, but when it is quiet,  
I know what it means and I'll carry you home…  
I'll carry you home._

"_...So, if you flunk a big test, or you have a really bad break up...or you just miss someone so bad, it hurts..."_

_Most of the times, Peyton loved going into the bedroom of her daughters -today hadn't been one of those days though._

_When Peyton stepped into their bedroom that day, things weren't as she was used to in that girls' bedroom. For starters, the room was silent. That almost never, ever happened. Yet today it was; Sawyer was by her bed allegedly reading a book, while Ellie was sitting on a beanbag-chair at the other side of the room, quite serious with a frown set on her face and all._

_Peyton stayed quiet for a good moment just looking over at them before she let out a long breath calling both their attentions that way. Sawyer lowered her book and actually met Peyton's expectant stare for a moment before she shrugged her shoulders. Ellie on the other hand, hardly even acknowledge her presence but instead chose to look the other way._

_Letting out yet another breath, Peyton moved and sat at the end of Sawyer's bed. Maybe it was the mom thing, or maybe just the fact that she knew her girls oh-so well, but in any case, Peyton could vividly feel the way Ellie's eyes narrowed when she chose to sit with Sawyer, and not with her._

_Ellie was hardly four years old and yet, she didn't have one bit of silly in her. _

"_Who's gonna tell me what's going on?" Peyton said simply, still letting out a sigh. She was looking at Sawyer's eyes, but the first one who spoke was Ellie nearly shouting at the other side of the room._

"_She said you are gonna die!" Ellie stated before standing up from her chair, and running all the way in front of the bed Peyton and Sawyer were._

"_I didn't say that!" Sawyer spat out, sitting up on the bed as well, and raising her voice enough to match Ellie's tone. "I didn't!" She cried again, when she noticed Ellie's attempts to retort. _

"_You did!"_

_"Hey, enough you two…" Peyton said calmly, yet at the same time quite stonily, first looking firmly into Ellie's eyes, and just after she'd closed her mouth again, she turned to look at Sawyer's eyes. "I don't think you said that," She stated sincerely looking back and forth between the two of them._

"_Mom, she–"_

"_Ellie," Peyton cut her short once again. She knew that girl well enough not to let her start rambling in how she was right, and Sawyer wasn't. The times when Peyton was put in that position between her two daughters weren't that many, yet when she was put in it, Peyton still found it a little hard to decide just who was ultimately right. "What did she tell you?"_

"_I didn't–"_

"_Sawyer," Now it was Peyton's turn to stop short her oldest daughter. Sawyer's eyes rolled slightly but she still remained quiet as Ellie replied._

"_She said you are gonna die–"_

"_Was, __was__ Ellie," Sawyer interrupted crawling in the bed so that she was right in front of her sister. "I said, she __**was**__ going to die, was, not anymore, okay?"_

_Ellie stayed quiet, and simply stared at Sawyer with her eyes awfully narrowed. She hated to be yelled at, and that certainly was no secret. _

_Peyton took a deep breath, and shifted her eyes so that she was looking at Sawyer. "Why did you tell her that?" She asked not wanting to sound accusing or anything, but just curious._

"_I didn't want to, Mom," Sawyer replied rather uneasily, looking over at everything, but at Peyton's eyes. "She...Ellie just went all snoopy into my cupboard, and she–"_

"_She said you gave her that box cause you are gonna die, Momma..." Ellie chimed in once again, but this time around actually pouting, and pointing with her finger towards the opened cupboard, and the scattered objects of the infamous box._

_At the sight, Peyton simply shook her head a little when she finally put two and two together. "Your box," She said to Sawyer and actually sending in her direction an understanding look._

_Sawyer then just nodded her head, and twisted her lips a bit. "I didn't want to open it yet, Ellie just..." She let her sentence trail off when she realized she was getting angry once again._

_Without more words, Peyton stood up from the bed and walked all her way to the girl's cupboard, and picked up the box putting back in everything that had been taken out already. When she reached back the bed, she placed the box right in the middle, and then lifted Ellie up sitting her right beside her sister. "You are not suppose to get into your sister's things, you know that," Peyton said in Ellie's direction, looking firmly at the frown set on her face, as well as the way her arms were tightly folded over her chest._

"_It just fell," Ellie explained still with a pout on her lips, first looking at Peyton's eyes, and then at her right at Sawyer's. "It really just fell," She said again, and it actually amazed Peyton how fast Sawyer's features softened at Ellie's words. If well it was true they disagreed a little too often these days, they couldn't stay mad at each for so long either._

"_Whatever," Sawyer settled simply, shaking her head a bit, before her eyes traveled to the inside of the box. "I didn't even see what is in there," She promised as if she really thought Peyton was going to be upset the box had been opened already._

_After all, her mom had actually told her how she was supposed to wait until she was "ready" to open that box; that the box was hers, but that she shouldn't rush to open it. That she had all the time she needed and that nobody would mess with it._

_Apparently Peyton had had it wrong a bit though, but Sawyer still didn't blame her, Ellie either, truth be told, she had been curious about that box since the afternoon her mother gave it to her, she just hadn't known when 'being ready' exactly was._

"_You wanna see it now?" Peyton asked at noticing how fixed Sawyer's eyes were in the box, as well as Ellie's. "It's okay, you know? I'm right here; I'm not going anywhere…" She said sending a small smile in Sawyer's direction._

"_Okay," Sawyer replied at last with a sigh, and also returning a little the smile her mom was offering her._

"_I got to go?" Ellie chimed in with yet another pout asking a question she really didn't want the answer._

"_You don't have to go," Peyton said looking at her pointedly. "This was supposed to be yours too, but..."_

"_When you got older," Sawyer filled in for Peyton looking just as firmly as her mom was doing in Ellie's direction. _

_Ellie thought for a moment; her eyes darting back and forth between her mom and sister before the pout on her lips formed again. "Am I older now?"_

_Peyton shook her head at how innocently she actually asked the question, but still couldn't help but let out a chuckle. "You are not, but if Sawyer's okay with you staying then you'll sta–"_

"_Can I Sawie? Please!" Ellie nearly begged kneeling up in the bed, so that she was at Sawyer's eyes level. "Please," She said once again, and it was now Sawyer's turn to let out a chuckle of her own._

_She didn't admit it all that often, especially not lately when her 'meek' little sister was growing into an attitude of her own, but she actually did have the softest of spots for that little one._

_She was her baby sister in the end._

"_Sure," Sawyer replied simply; her voice carrying only a bit of exasperation._

_Peyton smiled at the pair, and then simply moved in the bed so that she was sitting right behind them and she could wrap both her arms around the two. She snuggled them deeply into her arms, and kissed one by one the tops of their heads. Ellie naturally let out a good bunch of giggles, and Sawyer simply smiled shaking her head a bit._

_Apparently, at eight having your mom being all mushy on you is not so cool._

"_Now go on, put on the DVD," Peyton said handing over to Ellie the first DVD that was on top of her sketches…and photographs and…memories…and just her whole life really._

_Ellie nodded her head with quite a grin on her face before taking the DVD into her hands, and running in the TV's direction putting fairly carefully the DVD into the player._

_She ran back to the bed in just a few seconds, and the uneasy feeling that washed over Peyton as soon as her voice started filling the bedroom was actually hard for her to bear._

_It was actually impressive how hearing yourself in one of the toughest moments of your life can actually affect you even after eight years or so._

_She had to close her eyes for a moment, and for some reason the looks both her daughters were sending in her direction were killing her even though she actually wasn't seeing them._

"_...I really hope that we get to share all these things together, but just in case...It's all right here..."_

_If she had wings she would fly away,  
And another day God will give her some.  
Trouble is the only way is down…  
Down, down…_

"This is wrong."

"Yeah, yes it is," Peyton agreed simply, unable to come up with any other response. It was all wrong indeed.

"I'm not sure what I am supposed to–"

"You are not supposed to say anything," Peyton stopped her mid–sentence knowing well enough where she was going. And being completely honest to herself, she'd rather Ellie staying quiet the whole time, instead of having her saying all that she was allegedly _'supposed'_ to say.

That would certainly make that whole situation even worse.

It wasn't awkward or uncomfortable though, but silence settled next between the two of them in the dark of Peyton's bedroom.

Ellie however _knew_ she _should_ be saying everything to Peyton and even more in that moment— no one could be sure anymore about just how much time they all have left with her mother so they might as well take advantage of it, but…right then, Ellie couldn't honestly think in just the right thing to say to Peyton.

Ellie was sure though, that in a week's…even some day's time, when her mom _couldn't_ hold her into her arms the way she was doing at that moment; she would regret choosing to stay quiet. She would regret every little thing she was keeping to herself, and she'd probably hate herself when a question filled her mind, and there was going to be no Peyton beside her to answer it.

"Tell me about your first kiss…" Ellie said after a moment. Peyton let out a small chuckle at her words, but still Ellie only felt her eyes filling with even more tears at the sound of her laughter.

How was she supposed to go on in life without it?

How was she supposed to grow out of love of that one?

"My first kiss?" Peyton echoed looking down curiously into her daughter's eyes.

Ellie shifted her eyes up a little, but didn't quite meet Peyton's. Maybe it was better that way; she'd hate if her mom actually saw more of her tears that evening. "Not really," She replied quietly at last. "I meant your first kiss with _Daddy_,"

Peyton's mouth opened a bit to answer right away, but she closed it back again letting a small smile tugged in the corners of her lips. That had been over thirty years ago, yet, in her lips and in her heart, it still felt as if had been that very same morning.

"You _do_ know that story already, don't you? One of you was _almost_ made that day," Peyton said quietly, but still with a chuckle Ellie faintly matched.

"I know that mom," Ellie said locking eyes with Peyton at last. "But I...I–"

"–It was at a party, not a really good one per se, but a party nonetheless. It was at your Uncle Nate's house at that time," Peyton began, saving Ellie from giving further explanations. "I actually had mainly invited your Daddy to go even though he had made his point very clear about how much he didn't want to go. He did go anyway, but all evening everything and anything happened so we couldn't share a single word –or could be in the same space for that matter either. I could be with your Uncle Nate, or he could well be with your Aunt Brooke. Don't ever tell her it was me who broke this to you Elle, but at the time, she actually liked to hit the booze every too often, kid." She paused chuckling when she felt Ellie chuckling as well against her own body.

That was really no secret, but giving Brooke had two –_still_– teenage daughter's to raise, stories of her high school days were better let locked deep down somewhere in memory lane.

"She was having a _'blast'_ giving everybody so-called '_dares_'," Peyton continued after just a few seconds when Ellie's snickering died down. "I was standing next to Luke, and then your Aunt simply made me kiss him," She said right before she leaned down and kissed the crown of Ellie's head just because she wanted to— needed to even maybe.

"You make it sound as if that kiss hadn't been exactly what you wanted," Ellie pointed out rather knowingly. If she could be sure of one thing and one thing only, that was without a doubt of just how much both her parents had love each other from the very start.

"True, but then again…you already knew that, right?" Peyton asked needlessly, looking down at Ellie who simply nodded her head in return. "I was pretty much a mess that night; I wasn't sure what I wanted –let alone what I was feeling. I only knew –until just one point though," She added thoughtfully before she shook her head a bit, and kept going. "That kissing your Daddy that night had been the best part of my night…" She let her sentence trail off for a few seconds just looking at how thoughtful Ellie was staring back at her. "After that everything got messy again, and it shouldn't have, but after all we weren't even seventeen at the time."

"It…I mean, that night, it changed it, right?" Ellie asked fairly softly, but still moving a bit so that she was sitting properly on the bed.

Peyton quite painfully followed her lead, and sat up a little against some pillows. "It changed it _all,_" She replied quite pointedly after a beat. "But it was not just the kiss, or the fact that it was _me_ who kissed him and not the other way around. It made things change because of everything his lips on mine made me feel. All of that was _new_, and it was…so much for me to understand or even bear at that moment, but it still managed to be _everything_ from that moment on. I spent...a lot of time being...honestly, being stupid, and scared, and you...I don't want that for you, buddy," Peyton promised reaching up her hand, and resting it gently upon Ellie's cheek.

Finally, Peyton completely understood just why Ellie had asked her that question about that kiss in the first place.

"I know you, I...I know you a whole lot more than you know yourself right now Ellie Scott; I know that you can't stand lies, but...sometimes what you overlook, is that _you_ lie to yourself every too often kid. You want to make things right, you want to succeed and make things your way, pretending you don't need anyone else to do it, but the truth is, and we _both_ know that..." Peyton stated nodding her head a little bit, but at doing so, a few tears made its way down to her cheeks. "Is that you do _need_ people around you far more than anyone of us does…much more than your sister or even your Daddy does. You need people there to help you remind yourself just _why_ you are special because forgetting that is easy and I should know that," Peyton said, shifting her eyes down, and closing them tightly when a lump formed in her throat at the sight of Ellie's big green eyes staring back at her.

"Mom…" Ellie nearly pleaded but when her voice cracked, and without intending to do so, she matched her mom's tears, all she could do then was reach out for her mom's arms, and cradle as deeply in them as she could. "I..."

"Don't say anything, buddy," Peyton said with a quivering voice, gasping a little. Ellie nodded her head a bit, and Peyton just matched her motion. "You shouldn't _ever_ doubt a person can love you just because of who you are, and more than what you even love yourself. And –that's wrong, you should love yourself before loving anyone else, but...sometimes we actually do need the help, don't we?" Peyton asked trying with all her might to smile. She succeeded, yet stopping the tears that were falling from her eyes at that point was merely impossible.

"Yeah…" Ellie replied anyway, nodding her head a few times, and closing her eyes tightly when her own tears just wouldn't stop falling. "I don't know how to do it, mom. I...I don't, you..."

"It's okay." Peyton said shaking her head, and pulling Ellie strongly into her arms. "You are gonna be _okay_,"

"No, no I'm not," Ellie fought back shaking her head fiercely against Peyton's chest. "It's not going to be okay, mom. Things...you are the one who keeps us together, if you go–"

"Look at me," Peyton demanded before Ellie could even finish her sentence. She shook her head a few times, and hastily wiped away her own tears. "Just do it," Peyton all but ordered, with the one firm voice she still had. She cupped Ellie's face with both her hands, and just forced her to look at her eyes when she decisively refused to do so. "I raised you, remember? I was the very first person who held you, and I know very well just of what you're capable of, getting through this? That is certainly one of those things." She said looking firmly into Ellie's eyes. "There are quite a few things you didn't get from Lucas, you know? And…that is actually a good thing. I know this all is not going to be easy, it hasn't been a bit easy so far, but you are one of the reasons I got this far. I wouldn't have even _try_ as hard as I did if it hadn't been for _you_ pushing me and bossing me around, telling me just how I _had_ to do it, and you...you were right. I had to, I did, and..." She trailed off biting strongly her bottom lip when more tears wanted to fall. "And I am so, so sorry I couldn't do it anymore, but...as long as you don't shut everyone else out, and help a bit your Dad get out his shell once things get really rough, then I know you all are going to be okay. You just gotta..."

"It's okay, I promise," Ellie said nodding her head slightly when her mom's voice faded. For some reason she knew exactly where she wanted to go, but...maybe guilt didn't let her. "I will,"

"...You and your sister, you know…just...make sure she knows too how every once in a while it_ is_ okay for you two to break down and let go of everything from time to time...Sometimes, both of you actually believe you can carry the weight of the world all by yourself, but…you can't...none of us can, so... Just promise me you'll stick together, all of you, and…that's all I need,"

She wanted to cry, to just let all those tears that were filling her eyes fall for once and for all. She wanted to say no; she wanted to say that she couldn't do it, that she _needed_ her, that she needed her to keep them all together, but Ellie didn't do any of those things.

Instead, she simply swallowed hard the lump in her throat and managed a nod with her head. That was the very least she could do.

"I will…I promise,"

_It may be over but it won't stop there,  
I am here for you if you'd only care._

"_...Being a kid without a mom really sucks. And I know this because I've been there...Twice. And if you are watching this, then it means that you are in that place, too. And I'm so sorry for that..."_

"_Are you gonna die Momma?"_

_Ellie's soft question was what broke the silence that had settled in the room just after Peyton's image in the TV faded to black. The three of them stayed in silence for what felt a lifetime for Peyton, but that couldn't be more than a few minutes in reality. She didn't even know when the video had ended, for some reason her eyes had to remain shut for the longest part of her 'speech'. _

_It all felt so final there, she was truthfully saying goodbye to her unborn baby._

_Saying that after watching –hearing, really– that video and then looking at her right side and having there the daughter she was saying goodbye to beside her, eight plus years later, felt surreal was certainly an understatement._

_She had not only met her daughter, she'd lived her daughter, and saw her grown, and starting to become that smart, talented, gracious young lady that in more than one ways was just starting her life._

"_I'm certainly not." Peyton replied at last staring rather strongly into Ellie's big green orbs._

_She wasn't saying a lie. She was just taking a risk, trusting the universe was not as unfair as she had sometimes put it._

_She could well say then and there to her four-year-old daughter that she didn't know. Or actually, she could tell her the absolute truth; that of course she was going to die._

_Eventually._

_But how could she really explain 'eventually' to a girl whose whole life was her parents and sister? And to whom the idea of dying meant finding her mom in the middle of the night with tears on her cheeks only because she missed her own mother?_

_Peyton would choose the 'easy' truth over any other at any time. For the two of them actually; if it was true Sawyer was over eight-years-old already, that didn't mean –at all– Peyton could break to her 'actual truths' just because she was a little older._

_So although saying she wasn't going to die was partly a lie, she'd keep saying it for as long as that 'lie' was true for her, because...Peyton simply owed those little girls that much._

_She was her mother after all. If she didn't protect them while she could, who would?_

"_But you almost did," Sawyer noted really quietly after yet another good moment of silence. Her eyes were down, and the way she unconsciously started toying with the fridge of the blanket beside them, let Peyton know how that hadn't been the first time she'd been thinking about the past._

_Maybe she felt responsible; maybe give her that box when she was barely eight-years-old hadn't been a good idea, but in any case, Peyton somehow needed to make that right._

_Better sooner rather than later, right?_

"_Yeah, I did." Peyton replied honestly at last. Her voice carried firm through the room but it still managed to stay soft, and understanding at some level too. "I told you it hadn't been yo–"_

"_I know it wasn't my fault," Sawyer stopped her mom mid-sentence, lifting her head a little, and at last meeting her eyes._

_Peyton wasn't sure exactly why, but she simply had to let out a sigh at her words._

"_I just…" Sawyer continued, but her voice had actually softened a bit more if that was even possible. "You were going to die momma, and I don't…"_

"_I don't want that either. I don't want you to ever die, mama..." Ellie filled in for Sawyer, first sending in her sister's direction a small smile, and then moving in the bed so that she could land in Peyton's lap comfortably._

_Peyton didn't hesitate one second in taking Ellie into her arms, and snuggle her closer to her body. _

_She didn't want that either._

_She kissed the top of Ellie's head strongly for a long moment, before lifting her head, and reaching out her arm pulling Sawyer into a hug as well._

_The girl didn't hesitate either in accept her mom's hug that time, and instead complied hugging her back as tightly as she could._

_Maybe none of them were entirely ready to face the facts of just 'Why' that box was resting atop their bed quite yet…but maybe a hug, and a kiss reassuring them that for as long as it was in her power Peyton wasn't going anywhere, was enough to soothe them all if only for the time being…_

_Sometimes hoping was at best all Peyton could do –she could never know what could happen tomorrow after all._

_No one did._

* * *

**AN : **That scene in 622 with the video is SO heartbreaking! I always wanted to use it. Hope you enjoyed this. Thanks for reading :)


	17. Home II · Final Chapter

**Author's Note : **Oh boy...saying goodbye to this story is certainly not easy -it wasnt easy for me at least. You know me, you know how much I love LP, but oh well...sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do and for me that meant writing this story. I'm really very sorry for every time it was too sad to read -it was indeed too sad to write sometimes too, but still...all in all, I'm sure this story will still be one of those I'll remember a little too many years from now HEE :D

So yep, this is the last chapter. I really hope you get to like it, either way, THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading this story till now. For liking it and for always giving me such amazing input and reviews in spite of the chapter. You guys are great, and I'm very very thankful, which is why I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint.

Currently I'm working in _"For Blue Skies_" which really isn't as fluffy as I wish it were to be honest, but hopefully I will be able to properly start posting that story soon now that "_I Can't Fix Us Two_" is _almost_ over. hee!

Anyways, enough of me. Hope you like this last chapter :D

* * *

_You touched my heart you touched my soul.  
You changed my life and all my goals._

**Home (II)**

"Drop it,"

That actually escaped her lips as an order. It felt strange; she had always been bossy. She knew that of herself; she liked things going _her_ way. She liked when people think the way _she _did. She liked when they agreed her ideas even when she wasn't sure of them. She wouldn't admit that too often, but she did. Yet, for a long time, just for a few months actually, she had stopped telling people what to do all together. In truth, she had stopped telling people things and instead had opted better to just listen to them. Listen even to their quietness sometimes; to their silence around her. This time around that was exactly what Peyton had been doing for the last half an hour or so; her own thoughts had quieted so that she could listen to Brooke's.

Without trying hard, Peyton could actually listen to every thought that was crossing Brooke's mind.

Maybe the brunette was thinking just _too_ loud.

Either way Peyton needed her to drop it. To let it go. To just be there with her, and…not hurt.

It had felt rather foreign ordering her to do so anyway.

Maybe what Peyton was fearing was actually a fact already and her flame was genuinely dying down slowly.

She took a breath and stopped thinking about all that for a moment, and simply tried to focus in her friend before her.

Took a few seconds for Brooke to actually make words out of Peyton's voice; as far as she knew, the petit blonde was sleeping. She could say soundly, but that'd be a lie.

She looked up at Peyton's opened eyes anyway. The room was a little too dark, it wasn't even six o'clock, yet almost all lights in her room were already off. Including Peyton's very own, and that was certainly killing Brooke inside. She could still see Peyton's hollow eyes staring into hers, and that alone made her want to cry. "…Peyt I'm…" She began but trailed off when Peyton started sitting up herself on the bed.

The full of concern look Brooke gave Peyton would have even been ironic had her not almost fall at attempting to sit up by herself. Not wanting to lie to herself at that moment, Peyton simply agreed to hate that fragile version of herself she had become.

She hated it. And the reason to that was actually simple; that person just_ wasn't_ her.

"You can think all you want, you can spend hours at the time next to my bed, but…that's not going to change what it's going on." Peyton stated in spite of herself and in spite of the tears filling Brooke's eyes. "I know you are angry, you know? I know you are angry at me, and –Just let me," She all but pleaded when Brooke's mouth opened at her words. "And I am angry at myself too, don't you ever think I'm don't," She said in a failed attempt to humor. "But I am sorry too, I– I am," She said as her own eyes started filling with tears yet again.

Someone once told her, it must have been at the hospital maybe, in one of the many visits Peyton did there recently...Someone anyway told her that we all die with tears in our eyes. It wasn't as if Peyton hadn't believed those words then, she really didn't think about it much since at the time she still had a _'chance' _to make through it all. Now that she didn't anymore, the statement was starting to become true to her too.

With every passing minute, with every shallow breath, and with _every _single tear that filled her eyes, she was starting to feel it all coming too fast.

She was feeling her very end coming all too fast already.

What else other than _'I'm sorry'_ was she supposed to say, really?

"But it is okay to let me go," Peyton whispered when not only Brooke's cheeks, but also her own were stained with tears. It didn't feel right...saying good-bye, but she felt as though she _had_ to do it now or else she'd miss the chance. She couldn't bear that; not when it was Brooke Davis before her. "You were my best friend...a-always…You meant everything to me, having you by my side…growing up with you, see you became who you are today, I…I'm _so_ proud of you," Her voice cracked a bit, but in any way she made herself smile softly looking steadily at Brooke's eyes. "I am, and I…I hate everything I'm going to miss out from your life, and your girls, and…mine, and…" Shaking her head slightly, Peyton stopped noting; that would only make her cry harder, and she _needed _to reach her point. "But I know you'd be okay, and I know you are going to make sure everybody else is okay too 'cause that's who you are Brooke Davis, and I, I...I just love you, all right..."

For what felt a long moment, but that could have only been a few minutes, all Brooke could hear were the sounds of her own and Peyton's tears falling, and the echo of her friend's elaborated breathings carrying through the dark room. "I...I'm scared, P." Brooke confessed fighting back a sob with all she got. "I'm scared for you, for me, for us, I...I don't know what it'll be like...losing you," She cried bowing her head and just letting her tears keep falling. "I'm scared of waking up one day and not being able to call you and tell you all the things I have to tell you over and over again until neither one of us knows anymore what the heck I was talking about...I'm scared because I don't know a life without you and I don't wanna know it...I'm scared I'm not gonna be able to be okay again and make it all okay for everybody else...I...damn it...I'm just scared,"

Silence settled again for a moment until Peyton's hand reached Brooke's over the bed, and the two of them simply locked eyes. "I am scared," Brooke stated again, and her head just couldn't stop shaking at just how surreal all of this felt.

Peyton's eyes shifted down for just a split second before slowly she shrugged her shoulder. "Don't be," She said simply, with the softest of smiles painted on her face. "Don't be...I promise I won't _ever_ leave you alone. I...I can't do that. I won't…"

That was much more than just a promise, and they both knew it; it was a fact –one both of them ached to believe.

_...Love is blind and that I knew when,  
My heart was blinded by you._

"Why?"

It was barely a question at this point. It was one word, but considering she hadn't said anything else since she walked into the bedroom, Peyton was taking it as if that fragile word was everything.

Yet, she wasn't entirely sure she understood the question.

It could honestly mean anything right then.

'_Why are you dying?_' Or _'Why did you get sick in the first place?_' Or _'Why couldn't you just keep your promise and stay here with us?'_

Or a thousand other little things Peyton didn't have a single clue as in just _'How'_ she'd reply to, but she still knew she wanted to.

"Why what?" She asked back looking back into her daughter's eyes.

It was a little strange; they reached a point when Sawyer's eyes were as light as the clearest of blues that sometimes they didn't even looked blue anymore, but somehow grayer or something.

In the past year that Peyton had seen her daughter almost every day, she had been there seeing just how her eyes went back to be piercing blue just like her father's little by little.

As she grew up, Peyton also grew to realize how Sawyer had gotten the better share of her personality from Lucas after all. Sometimes for Peyton the two of them were like two little raindrops hardly impossible to tell apart from the other –at least in the inside. Sometimes Peyton would find herself having two different conversations with the two of them, at two different times, and without them actually talking to one another in the mean time…both Sawyer and Lucas would still tell her the very same thing in response at least one time.

They've wanted her to keep fighting. They said she couldn't give up. They said they _needed_ her.

Peyton had told them both how she had fought already; how she wasn't giving up and how she needed them _just _as much.

But then she had also said that she needed _them_ to live in spite of herself and that if she was being honest with herself and with them, they would know the life all of them had been leading for the past months hadn't been living at all.

Those words had been the point of no return.

Peyton had been right, and they had known it –they hadn't been living…none of them had.

_A song for your heart, but when it is quiet,  
I know what it means and I'll carry you home…I'll carry you home._

"There is this thing Noah does, you know? It's even a little weird and…random. I don't think I ever thought about it really until today…"

"What is that?" Peyton asked softly encouraging Sawyer to go on after her voice faded. It took a moment, but then Sawyer's head turned to Peyton. She looked so somber and just…_sad_. Seeing her like that never get easier…it was the hardest thing in the world to bear for Peyton once when Sawyer was only a little girl, and it was genuinely just as hard right now when her baby girl was already a woman of her own.

Sawyer anyway stayed quiet looking somberly at Peyton for a couple more minutes. At last, she chewed on her lip nervously before she shook her head as she also swallowed hard. "There are times when we are both doing different things –Noah and I, he'll be playing or running around while I get things done around the house or something. But then, sometimes all of sudden he will just _stop_ completely what he's doing and just stand seriously at the other side of the room just…_looking_. He stares at me quite steady for a few seconds before he simply bursts into laughter and runs to me. I…I usually hold him then and just laugh along with him. He loves it when I catch him and hug him close to me until after a little while we're both ready to go back to our things and so we do –every time. I know why he does that, I'm his mother, he would be playing with his Dad, or even Ellie or whoever is babysitting him at the time, but sometimes he will just need _me_ because…well because I _am_ his mom and sometimes I am the _only_ one he needs…I'm his mom, mom…" Her voice was by then breaking a bit as she spoke, and tears were steadily pooling in her eyes as she struggled not to let them fall.

Peyton on the other hand, had long since given in to tears tracking down her cheeks. She understood –she understood exactly everything that Sawyer was saying and that _hurt_. "I'm always going to be your mom–"

"But you are not going to _be here_," Sawyer cried not missing a beat, as she looked up to meet strongly Peyton's eyes. She knew she had no right whatsoever to be angry and yet she was. She really, really was.

It wasn't fair.

Her lip was quivering, but even so Sawyer managed to ask as her heart ached to know. "Who am I gonna go running to?"

Peyton looked down almost immediately –as an instinct, out of even shame maybe. "You were the first person in the whole world who I loved more than I _ever _thought I could love someone Sawyer Scott…" Peyton promised weakly, even though there was not a single bit of hesitation in her voice.

Sawyer didn't know what to do with that in reality –her words only made her heart ache harder and yet she stayed quiet and just listened. She swallowed hard and wiped away from her cheeks the tears that inadvertently had fallen, before fixing again her broken blue eyes in her mother.

"There was this one time at the mall. You weren't even two at the time** –**we were all three of us there with your Daddy, and you…there was this guy dressed up like a clown or something…he was dancing and throwing things up in the air and stuff. Luke was holding your hand but there was this moment when you just let go of him and walked forward and just started dancing along with the clown guy…I," A lump in her throat and yet more tears filling her eyes prevented Peyton from carrying on. She waited a moment gaining control over her emotions again before she continued.

"That was the first time in my whole life when all I wanted to do was tell whoever was next to me, I didn't care who it was, your father or not, that that little girl was _my_ daughter. You…I don't know how many times I wanted to say to the world those little words out loud; _'she's my daughter'_. You are _my_ daughter and you were the beginning of everything I cherished in this life…" Peyton let her sentence trail off when Sawyer started shaking slowly her head at her words. She waited a moment in silence looking over at the girl, and knowing exactly what was going through that head of hers.

Peyton after all had been there in her place already –as much as that knowledge hurt, it was still the truth nonetheless.

"Mom…" Sawyer began, but she hadn't stopped her motion with her head, nor had opened her eyes. "I just don't understand why you are telling me that, I…"

"When Ellie died, I…um," Peyton began speaking softly after a good moment. Maybe her last job as Sawyer's mother was to make all this a little bit easier for her.

Or at the very least, a little bit less hard.

"After she died all I could think were the things I didn't say to her, or ask or did. I…I was sad because she was gone but mostly I was just _mad_ with myself and the world and…even her, because...in three weeks I gained a mom, and in what seemed a blink I lost her too. I…I don't want you carrying with that feeling the way I did…" Sawyer slowly, yet surely opened her eyes and lifted her face until her eyes and Peyton's were steadily locked. "I guess you could tell me whatever now…Anything that is in your mind right now, you know? But even if you did, I still know that the day you take that _one _single most amazing picture that'd become the reason why you became a photographer in the first place, you are going to think of me anyway and in that moment you'd wonder what I'd tell you if I were there –if I could see you then. I know that there are going to be many days when I'd be in your mind but I'm not going to be there and that's going to make you sad…I know that some days you'd want to ask me just how you are doing. How I think you are leading your life and if I'm proud of you and what you're doing…If I think you're doing a mistake or not…If I think you are good mother…" One more time a lump formed in Peyton's throat at those last words, and everything honestly she could do was take a minute or two to pull herself back together before keep going.

Whoever said that goodbyes are harder in the ones who stay than in the ones who go, had been utterly mistaken —Peyton was completely sure of that at that moment. It gave her perspective somehow. All her life she'd hold blames against all the people in her life who left. Now that she was the one who was leaving, she could actually see things a little bit different.

Being on the other side wasn't easy either.

It wasn't easy _at all._

"And now I'm not gonna tell you that is going to be easy, because it is _not_ going to be. I asked myself all those same questions many times over the years, I…I actually still do. So…as I told to your sister, I'm not going to tell you that you _need_ to ask me things or talk to me right now or…whatever. I just…I guess I'm just going to tell you the answer to all those questions already, because it is actually really easy baby…" Peyton promised sincerely, before taking in a shaky breath, and closing her eyes tightly just for a second.

"Every time that you ask yourself any of those questions Sawyer Scott, I just want you to remember that _I love you_. That I have always loved you and that I _always _will and that even though I won't be there to tell you how much, it will still stay true _forever_. Things…feelings so big just can't be shatter. Not even death, and distance, and pain can get in the way of that…I love you and that's _all _you should know…"

_I've kissed your lips and held your hand.  
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.  
I know you well; I know your smell.  
I've been addicted to you._

He would look at her, but he would not only see a fragile woman sleeping on her side. He would not only see the way her hand was tucked under her cheek, the way her eyes were just softly closed and the way her body unevenly heaved up and down as she breathed.

As she _tried_ to breathe.

Lucas would see that, and simply so much more. He honestly was seeing at that moment the girl he had _always_ loved vanishing slowly before his bare eyes.

There was not a chance in hell Lucas could count just how many times he had seen her sleeping. In the twenty-three years or so the two of them had been married, he had always –_sans a few couple of time maybe_– opened his eyes in the morning before her. Those precious little moments in the morning when he'd found her lying asleep over his chest had been so many for him to count and _yet_, for Lucas at that moment those times didn't seem as fairly enough at all.

He had watched her sleep endless times; he had watched her laugh more times than he'd watched her cry. In the last few days, every single time that he would seen her doing each and any of those things; sleep, laugh, cry, simply breathe, and a thousand other more, he couldn't stop himself from thinking how chances were that would maybe be the last time he would seen her doing so.

He could go to bed with her that night, as he knew he wanted so badly to do, but he really just couldn't do it. He couldn't lie down in bed with _her_ by his side right now when there was anything or anyone who could honestly tell him that she would still be there in the morning.

Lucas hadn't before admit it –_not to himself, not to anyone else. Most certainly, not to Peyton_– But it was true and he now knew that. He knew that what they all had been doing for the past weeks –_months really_– hadn't been living. _She_ hadn't been living; she had only been _surviving_.

They all had.

The reality hurt; hurt more than it was possible for them bear.

Yet all of it was a few thousand times worse in her and just knowing that 'simple' fact killed Lucas too.

He would do _anything_ – Actually, a whole lot more than just anything, he'd do _everything_ to take her away to that place where there were no wires, no medicines, no needles, and no pain. Where she could be his alone, just how it _should_ be.

He'd give his life even if only she could stay a little while longer.

If only she wasn't in pain. If only her heart didn't have to break a little bit more every second that passed. If only they could have _one_ more chance.

He would give away his world; he'd give away all that he owed. He'd give away his pride, his success, his soul...he would give away his dreams if only he could keep the most important one.

If only he could keep _her_.

He had vowed his life to her a very long time ago. He had promised her _and_ himself that she'd be happy. That _he_ would make her happy.

The person she was, the person she had always been, the person he...loved, was slowly disappearing before his eyes and there was anything, _anything _he could do more now to keep himself true to everything he had vowed once.

There was nothing he could do to fix her.

He couldn't save her anymore.

_And as you move on, remember me,  
Remember us and all we used to be..._

Not wasting yet another beat, Lucas leaned in a little on the bed they have shared so many times before...so many summer days and nights, and on which she now simply lay alone _waiting_. Waiting for something to happen, hoping for the worst to happen for once and for all if that was what was meant to happen.

He took a deep breath, and then just gently reached out for her free hand. It was a little cold despite being at least a hundred degrees outside. The blanket that covered her body was thin, and fairly little. Barely covering her long legs, and a little bit of her mid-section. They were at their beach-house after all. It was summertime in the end; why would she need anything different?

In any way she did.

Her body was cold, and little by little, she was slipping out of his hands…

Out of his life…she was dying.

And all he could do was hold her hand, and run his thumbs over her skin pretending he could do this.

Pretending he could live a life without her.

–_He couldn't–_

Pretending he'll be okay after all that madness was over.

–_He won't–_

Pretending he didn't love her as much as he did.

–_That...that simply was not possible–_

"There's nothing in the world that I want more than to be with you…"

_I know your fears and you know mine.  
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,  
And I love you, I swear that's true.  
I cannot live without you._

Her voice was soft...weak, yet gentle and full of love.

Full of sincerity.

Lucas lifted up a little his head from their intertwined hands. His eyes were filled with tears, and he was sure only one more word from her lips, and he'd break down then and there. He wanted _so_ badly to tell her that he knew. That despite the final outcome he knew she had done everything in her power to stay with him.

He _wanted_ to tell her that; yet, the irrational part inside him didn't let him.

That part wanted to hold everything that was happening against _her_. Tell her he didn't know, and that she _should_ just stay if that was really what she wanted.

Lucas didn't say any of that either though.

He stayed quiet, and after a moment, just when her hand reached out his sore cheek, he let his tears fall.

He cried and let _her_ hold _him_.

How screwed up that was?

How selfish? How...?

She was the one for him. The only one and now he was losing her without a real fighting chance for _him_ to save her this time.

He couldn't stop to care how selfish it was; he _needed_ her. She was supposed to be with him forever. They were supposed to be together forever.

She wasn't supposed to leave sooner without him.

_She just wasn't._

Yet, the truth was that she was, and any of it was fair.

Not to Peyton, not to Lucas, not to them, not to their kids, to...anybody.

At that moment tears were falling also from Peyton's eyes and Lucas knew that much. He was shaking; he was, but...so was she.

Leaving him had never, not ever, being an option for her.

It still wasn't an option.

It was just reality.

"Haley once asked me _'Why'_?

_I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.  
I've watched you sleeping for a while..._

Tears kept falling from both their sets of eyes by the time Lucas spoke softly, but seemingly, that was an inner war the two of them were fighting against themselves –they didn't want to keep crying and yet it was far too hard not to do so.

Peyton knew then how maybe she should have asked Lucas a _'Why, What?_' after his words, but deep down she knew that wasn't needed. He would explain whether she asked so or not.

She knew him.

"Haley said she didn't understand why I wanted to be with you. She said you were kinda _too_ bitchy, and…how you seemed as if you were always mad at the world; as if you didn't care about anything other than yourself. That...that you took out that anger towards the world and everybody else. I...I didn't answer her right away," Lucas said rather huskily, slowly pulling away from Peyton until he was sat up properly on the bed, and their eyes were locked. "I didn't know how to answer to that then so I just...left. But…the next day, or maybe the day after that, I saw _you_...I really did, and then I was able to answer Haley's statement...I told her that '_Why'_ was really simple...I told her that I could see my whole life in your eyes...My past, my present, my...future. I told her that for as long as I could see my real self in your eyes then I'd know just why I wanted _you_..." His words lingered in the air for a moment as both their tears kept falling. Her head bowed, but his didn't. Lucas couldn't look away from her at that moment.

Being honest, he had never been able to do that.

His hand reached out and touched slightly the soft skin of her face. Peyton's own hand reached up cupping his over her face. She leaned into their intertwined hands, and just closed her eyes as tightly as she could.

"Maybe in another life you and I weren't supposed to be together, but...not in this life Peyton Sawyer, not in this one…" His voice caught on a small sob, but he still forced himself to keep going. "I–I can't live a life without you, I don't know how, I don't know what I'd do without you, I...I just can't," He stated before his own eyes fell shut.

"You love me...?" Peyton said far too softly, speaking for the second time that evening.

It wasn't a question though. She knew the answer. Of course she did. She still needed him to say the words even if it hurt as much as she knew it did.

Wordlessly Lucas' head started moving slightly up and down, but without missing another beat, he opened his eyes and fixed them firmly on Peyton's. "You shouldn't ask me that," He said fairly quietly, his eyes shifting to his lap for only a moment. "I love you more than I love life itself, I do, I do and you know that," He promised never before meaning some words more than he meant those.

"Then..." Peyton began, shrugging just a little bit one of her shoulders. "Then you'll do it, you'll make it, you'll be okay...I know that," She said actually smiling softly in his direction.

He wanted to tell her otherwise. He did, but he honestly just didn't have the might to do so.

A few seconds passed by with the two of them in silence. Lucas swallowed hard the lump in his throat and still with tears in his eyes; he sat up a bit more, and moved closer to Peyton. His hand rested on the back of her head, and with the other he simply helped her lean down a little against the pillows. Their lips met; it wasn't a passionate full of lust kind of kiss. That wasn't it at all. That one was a kiss full of despair, full of vanished hope. Full of ache, and driven by two broken hearts.

It was a kiss they both wanted though. It was a kiss they both _needed._

He didn't want her to die, and she didn't want to die, yet she _was_ dying, and in that kiss all what they were doing was pouring out every bit of emotion they had into it.

Her tears fell, and so did his, but they didn't pull away. They didn't. Not for a split second. Her lips were on his, and his were on hers; the whole world outside disappeared at that moment.

It was just them and everything they felt for one another.

It hurt. It hurt more than either one of them could bear. It hurt to love him and have to go away. It hurt to love her and have to see her go.

It hurt kiss her lips because that might as well be the last time he could feel her so close to him.

It hurt more than anything else hurt, knowing that the moment he had been dreading was finally so close that he could feel it in the way her lips kissed his. The way she was hanging onto him with everything and whatever she still had left inside. She wanted to fight it, she did, and Lucas could feel it. But she couldn't.

She couldn't do it anymore, and in that moment, he just knew it.

In that moment Lucas saw things the way things were for the first time in what felt a lifetime. Painfully he pulled away from her, his breath catching in his throat but that still didn't mean he couldn't lock eyes with that woman.

With that girl he had fell in love with all so many years ago.

He looked into her eyes, and his features stiffened slightly for a moment. He had accepted at last what was happening, and if that were even possible, he was also hurting more than he did before at that moment. He still couldn't show it. He had to stay strong for her. He needed to be firm; he needed to show her how she didn't have to worry for him. How she didn't have to be sorry, or regretful about anything she had done or hadn't done. He needed her to just let go and be free. Be free from all the pain and ache.

Be free from all the hurting; just…be _free _at last.

"I got you," He whispered quietly and simply when her eyes shifted down. "I got you now, and I _always_ will. I'm here, I _will _be here," He promised earnestly reaching out for her small frame one more time. She didn't fight him.

She _couldn't_ fight him.

She also knew what that sudden racking weakness meant. She knew it, and in an odd way, it hurt that she felt comforted by his words. It hurt that she felt better the moment his arms wrapped around her waist, and her head burrowed in the crook of his neck.

It hurt she _had_ to leave him.

She could look up at him, look into his eyes, and tell him that she loved him one last time. She _did _love him. She could tell him that much. Maybe she even _should_, but she didn't do it.

Lucas already knew that.

Peyton could say the words again but they wouldn't be anything new.

_"We'd see each other again…"_

Five words. Five words and only five. It wasn't an '_I love you'_; it was a promise of her love for him. It was a promise she would keep… one way or another. And Lucas believed in her.

He believed her words were true, he believed _she_ believed the words she had said, and that was enough for him.

He believed that everything he felt for Peyton wasn't something death could take away. He believed he was_ never_ going to stop loving her.

Not ever. Days, weeks, months and years could pass by but his feelings for her would never disappear.

They would only grow if he could even say so himself.

In that moment, he simply believed in her.

He believed she was right; he believed they would see each other again.

_One day._

Lucas didn't respond back; he just held her even tighter. Tilting his head down a little, he kissed her lips one l_ast_ time; his finger lingered in her still warm lips for a moment. Her eyes closed, and she curled closer to his body with her lips slightly curled. She sighed when her breaths became even shallower, she sighed and one lone tear fell from her eyes.

That tear was for all the dreams and hopes that died with her that night.

That tear was for the life she would never live.

That tear was for everything she wouldn't do anymore.

That tear was for leaving behind the boy she loved.

_And they were all born pretty in New York City tonight  
…someone's little girl was taken from the world tonight  
Under the Stars and Stripes._

Lucas hardly made sense of everything that happened next; it could have been some minutes, an hour, even a whole day, he honestly couldn't tell.

People came and went away; people gasped, people cried, people said things to him, and some even wrapped their arms around both their bodies.

The difference however, only _he_ was able to feel it. And yet, he didn't. He didn't feel anything other than the numb weight of the girl he _loved_ laying in his arms.

He didn't cry, he didn't move, he just held her.

He held her and drifted away for the time being.

She was gone, she _really_ was, and he had not an honest idea of what to do next.

She was his life.

His life lay lifeless in his arms and he couldn't even shed a tear.

He couldn't.

He could only ignore the others, and pretend it was still only the two of them against the world.

Just the two of them.

The two of them and _no one_ else. His head leaned down only enough to have to top of her head close to his lips. He kissed her. He kissed her strongly and for a long time before pulling away and looking steadily at her softly closed eyes.

"I'm sorry I couldn't save you..."

_A song for your heart, but when it is quiet,  
I know what it means and I'll carry you home…  
I'll carry you home…_

–_Fin–_


End file.
